


And the Violence Caused Such Silence

by jaybaker



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because he's isolated, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, Depressed Remus, Hope Lupin is alive because I love her, M/M, Minor Violence, Mostly Canon Compliant, NaNoWriMo, RS Fireside Tales, but from Remus perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 51,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22146877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaybaker/pseuds/jaybaker
Summary: "Remus had read the news of Sirius' escape in the Daily Prophet the day Albus Dumbledore approached him with a job offer. His timing was quite obvious and both men were very aware of this. This employment would mean surveillance, but it would also mean security. And if it only meant financial security, it would probably have been enough to have Remus accept it. Also it was not as if he was abandoning anything – or anyone – if he left for Hogwarts on September 1. So he said yes, despite the news.They had stirred up again everything Remus had tried to contain in the far end of his mind, of course they had. He was in for a lot of sleepless nights, he was sure. And so, when it was time to go to bed Remus lied awake, the faces of Harry Potter and Sirius black ghosting through his mind, invading his dreams and waking him up drenched in sweat from the horrors his subconscious imagined would follow soon."A re-telling of Prisoner of Azkaban from Remus' perspective.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 51
Collections: RS Fireside Tales Vol.2





	And the Violence Caused Such Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!
> 
> Before you read this I'd like you to know that I send all my love to:  
> \- Kerstin, who made me participate (she asked me for a good reason not to do it, because we were actually both really busy and then we both signed up, haha) and who edited this! Thanks so much! :)  
> \- all the other participants, especially everyone in the discord server. I am not really good with using discord but I enjoyed to read how it was going for you and getting to see pictures of your pets and snowy forests and so much more. Thank you, guys! :)  
> \- our mods, Muse and Gloom for organizing this, for your help and support! Thank you as well! :)
> 
> I inserted my picture prompt in the beginning.
> 
> Now, I hope you enjoy! :)

**And the Violence Caused Such Silence **

Remus had read the news in the _Daily Prophet_ the day Albus Dumbledore approached him with a job offer. They had been sitting in the only two chairs in the shabby room Remus called a home and Dumbledore – who had turned up quite unexpectedly – was drinking Earl Grey from Remus’ only tea cup that did not spot a crack.

Actually it was not all that surprising, that Dumbledore had come to him. His timing was quite obvious and both men were very aware of this. Everyone would probably be aware of this should he choose to take the headmaster up on his offer. Most of Remus’ former teachers were still working in Hogwarts and he knew that Severus Snape was teaching there as well. This made the decision even harder. Their personal history would create tensions that were hindering to their jobs, _but_ – and this was something Dumbledore had told him very pointedly – Snape was an excellent potioneer who was clearly able to brew anything Remus would need to keep his wits about him.

“I do hope you consider my offer, Remus. I know it is not a decision made lightly, but I am sure you would be a benevolent addition to our staff. I know for sure Professor McGonagall would be delighted to see you again,” Dumbledore set down his now empty tea cup with a quiet _chunk!,_ watching Remus from behind his oddly-shaped glasses.

“I would think for everyone who might be happy to see me return there is another one who would rather see me stay far away,” Remus answered, but in a tone not unfriendly. He sat down his own cup that was leaking a bit onto the cover of the book he set it upon. “I will owl you within the next few days about my decision.”

Dumbledore smiled at him, both of them getting up from their seats – the armchair the professor had been sitting in spouted off a sad sound that filled the silence. “I am looking forward to hearing from you, then.” And with that he was as good as gone, save for a good-bye and a last knowing smile. It took only three steps to reach the door of his apartment and as the hallway was rather narrow Remus remained standing where he was, looking after Dumbledore with a frown etched onto his forehead.

 _Of course_ , Dumbledore had come to him. While Remus had not expected it, it still did not seem far-fetched what had happened. There was a whole list piecing itself together when Remus thought about reasons for his visit and reasons for his offer. If Remus took the headmaster up on his offer, he would be employed in a very public place under the eyes of some of the sharpest wizards and witches, amongst them his former head of house and an old enemy from his school days. As far as he knew, Snape would have not forgotten and neither forgiven anything from the past. This employment would mean surveillance, but it would also mean security. And if it only meant financial security, it would probably have been enough to have Remus accept it. Also it was not as if he was abandoning anything – or anyone – if he left for Hogwarts on September 1.

The thought of his old school awoke an ache he had not felt this intensely recently. The days at Hogwarts had been the happiest of his life. All of his friends had been alive and well. They had wasted their days with the carefree attitude only adolescence was able to equip anyone with. The future had been a thought of tomorrow, something loose plans existed of that all ended in the lot of them facing what was to come together. Now, that Remus was living in this future, in the time they had kept imagining, he was first and foremost one thing he had not planned to ever be: utterly alone.

He had been living with this void inside him for a considerable time now; it had been years since everything had fallen apart. Years that – in his memory – blurred together in a sense of loneliness and boredom. And while the days passing became undistinguishable from each other the emptiness inside him had become his remote setting. Remus could not remember the better days without risking his heart breaking – all over again and again.

In the end, the decision to be made was fairly clear. Hogwarts had been his home before so maybe it could harbor him again. At least he would have a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning. All the downsides Remus was able to come up with could not balance out the blatantly obvious advantages of good food, a good salary and the possibility to escape his second nature regularly with the help of a potioneer around. He needed a job and the last decade of trying to make a living had proven to him that he was as good as unemployable if it wasn’t for people like Dumbledore. Remus decided to owl him in the morning – he would walk down to the post office in the morning, when there weren’t many people out.

There were two things that haunted his thoughts for the rest of the night:

One was the face of James’ and Lily’s son. He had seen a picture of Harry in the _Prophet_ a few months ago. It was unbelievable how much he resembled his father. The familiar aching took over Remus’ insides until he was able to fall into a fitful sleep. He would meet Harry after all – and after all these years. Remus was not able to tell if this was something to dread or to look forward to.

The other thing was something that – honestly – was always somewhere in the back of his mind, tumbling around ready to flash forward every now and then, ripping Remus’ heart wide open. Grey eyes in a face framed by black locks, glittering in the sunlight, their gaze solely fixed on him. These eyes, this face, all the love Remus had felt for this man and all he was still feeling. The hurt that had come with the betrayal and the shame that came with the longing he still sometimes woke up to.

The news had stirred up again everything Remus had tried to contain in the far end of his mind, of course they had. He was in for a lot of sleepless nights, he was sure. And so, when it was time to go to bed Remus lied awake the faces of Harry Potter and Sirius black ghosting through his mind, invading his dreams and waking him up drenched in sweat from the horrors his subconscious imagined would follow soon.

***

Remus had not been prepared to meet Harry Potter this early. He had been prepared to first see the boy from afar – in the Great Hall – before he would actually meet him. He was so easy recognizable for everyone who had known his parents it hurt in the eyes and in Remus’ gut. Their first meeting had been – well, not a worst case scenario, but at least a _worse_ case scenario.

Remus had fallen asleep as soon as he had sat down in the train carriage only to dream of Sirius, of all people. It had not been a nightmare, exactly, which was way worse, because the happy dreams he had about Sirius, the ones filled with memories of laughing and loving, fun and feelings, they made his heart constrict with guilt and self-loathing as soon as he opened his eyes. So when he woke up from this dream he had felt shame rise in him and it got worse when he recognized who he was sitting with and then it got _even worse_ when he identified the depressing aura of Dementors cooling the atmosphere around them.

And Harry – seeing him had been a shock to Remus but he had been able to get over it quickly as the situation called for it. The Dementor had attacked him, an 11-year old boy, probably because it could sense the loss and pain this boy had been through even this young of age. Remus tried not to overthink this, he was actively trying to not let his heart break and what helped was that there were a lot of other children around them when this happened. They were Harry’s friends, worrying about him, caring for him.

The group was a nice mix of children Remus only recognized later as Alice and Frank Longbottom’s son and two children of Gideon and Fabian Prewett’s sister as well as another girl he did not know by way of family. But thinking of the Longbottoms and the Prewetts just brought Remus back to the same heart-ache Harry’s similarities to his parents caused and he could do nothing else but try to smile his hurt away.

Dumbledore had told him that there would be Dementors ordered to guard the school grounds by the Ministry. The headmaster had not been happy with this decision, but he knew there were good arguments in favor of this arrangement and Minister Fudge was a stubborn man. Even if Dumbledore had not allowed them to guard the school grounds, they would have still been ordered to stay in Hogsmeade and near the school grounds and sooner or later at least some of the students would have met the guards of Azkaban. Agreeing to this arrangement had at least given Dumbledore some control about the situation and leverage for further arrangements with the Minister and his office. Still, Dumbledore had asked Remus to teach the Patronus charm to any student qualified enough or interested.

“It is never too early to learn of your own happiness,” he had said and in his philosophic/poetic speak it meant that as many students as possible should be prepared to protect each other from the Dementors’ influence.

It was not hard to make out which of his students would be able to learn the Patronus charm over the year, even in Remus’ first week. He easily fell into the routine of the lessons and break times, it was a soothing experience as it came with a clearly structured schedule and a rhythm he found easy to accommodate to. He had always loved Hogwarts and he was pretty sure being a teacher was something he would love to do but he had never actively sought out this career path as he had known he was as good as unemployable. He was still unsure how Dumbledore had convinced the other staff and the school board to let him hire a werewolf as a teacher and if he was absolutely honest with himself he did not want to know exactly. What he knew was that he felt a severe gratitude towards his old teacher – this was his dream, he had always wanted to be a teacher and for a short time in his life he had even been led to believe that this could be possible but then…then Lily had died before she they could have ended werewolf discrimination together ( _“We can do this, Remus! We will organize rallies, we will lobby with the people from the Wizengamot! You are not creatures! You are human beings and wizards and you did not choose this!”_ ); and Sirius – who had been his stabilizing factor in the approach of this fight – had been sent away, guilty of betraying him and everyone Remus thought the other man had loved.

So, Remus had never thought about trying to get a teaching job after this. Instead he had kept himself alive on part-time jobs which allowed him to take days off around the full moon and home office gigs like translations and lecturing. It had worked out like that for more than ten years and while he had not been _happy_ Remus had at least been alive and also feeling like that was a good thing most of the time. And now, now he had a teaching job. And when he was sitting at the desk in his office, preparing lessons and grading tests he thought of how happy and proud Lily and James would have been. Memories of them were haunting him whatever he was doing and it caused a constant feeling of nagging inside of him but it was a good kind. Whilst in Hogwarts he had been happy, their group of friends full of live, love, idealism, ideas and plans. It had been the good times – the best times – thus the _goodness_ of the nagging. It was a good pain, he was hurting, because he had reason to be happy but those he would have liked to share his happiness with were not around anymore. He found himself smiling, most of the time; he was content with how his life was right now. After years of solitude and just _getting by_ financially and emotionally he had to admit to himself that it did not take much to make him feel better.

It only took a regular job, some companionship and happy memories to be mixed with the hurtful dreams and longings to get him to smile – and Hogwarts was able to provide him with all of that for now.

With the full moon came Remus’ other demons, those were always walking hand in hand. So, while his body was fighting itself _not to change_ into the monstrous form that was its second nature his mind was involved in a battle of its own. The wolfsbane helped with the physical part of it. Sure, it made him lethargic and tired, had him unable to take in food or even drinks, but it was a catalyst for his humanity, working against the influence of the moon. The psychological part was a torture of its own kind.

With the waxing gibbous came the nightmares and also the daydreams. Remus’ found it harder and harder to concentrate on anything without his mind wandering. And where it wandered was another source of shame for him; the past, his school days and the short time period after, Lily’s and James’ wedding and most of all everything _Sirius_ in these days. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius… He could not keep himself from missing him, longing for him, his voice, his smile, his touch. But he knew it was wrong. There was no excuse for what Sirius had done and while Remus’ heart found it hard to believe that all of it was true – even after all this time – his mind was aware how faulted his feelings were.

The guilt made Remus almost long for the transition into the monster. His werewolf persona was not burdened by the feelings of his human form, the transition had – partly – always been freeing in a certain way. Being an animal was far less complex than being a human and the idea was compelling sometimes. Coming to this conclusion, however, ended in shame and guilt as well. It was a vicious cycle Remus was trapped into. No matter how long this had been going on, he always ended up at the same dead ends he had run into countless times before. It numbed his mind and his feelings, but not enough to let him sleep or eat or be.

Often he had wondered if it would not be easier to end it all, step out of this cycle on his own terms. But he could not possibly follow through with this idea. Blame it on the Gryffindor in him he knew if he was to die it had to be for a cause other than his demons whispering into his ear. He owed it to his friends – James and Lily and Peter, Alice and Frank Longbottom – to try and live. Also, he was able to remind himself on the good days, if he was to end his life it would _not_ be on his own terms. It would be on the terms of his demons, of the evil in the world, of the monster who had turned him into what he was. He could not let them win over him, over his humanity.

This was what kept him sane most of the time. And now, in Hogwarts there was also the Wolfsbane. He had barely ever been able to afford the potion before. It was a special brew, something only really good potioneers would dare to even try and Remus was really grateful for Severus Snape to be as good of a brew master as he was. He knew Severus only spitefully followed Dumbledore’s orders to brew this, which actually only deepened the thankfulness Remus was feeling towards him.

The potion was bitter, as if lycanthropy was not awful enough the only aid a werewolf could get not to turn into a human-hunting monster was of an awful taste and had lots of side effects – nausea, dizziness, headaches, severe exhaustion, etc. It was just another thing in this world that was unsettlingly unfair, but Remus did not want to complain. It was still helpful and better than ‘haunting’ the Shrieking Shackle as he had done in his youth. For once, it would possibly arise suspicion that the ‘ghost’ of the Shackle returned once Remus had come back to Hogwarts – as far as Remus knew nobody had ever found out about him other than Snape, but this didn’t mean it would stay this way forever.

And also, the Shackle was connected to so many potentially hurtful memories – not only because Sirius, James and Peter had helped him in the full moon nights, no. The Shackle had also proven to be a good hiding spot back in the day. In an uncountable number of nights – and sometimes also days – Sirius and Remus had found themselves in this place, sometimes joined by James or Peter. But more often than not it had been just the two of them. As odd as this would sound to his students, the Shrieking Shackle had been the place Remus had shared his first kiss with Sirius and later other first times. It had been the place where he had first said “I love you” to Sirius and where the latter had returned the words for the first time – a full fortnight later, because he had been stunned by Remus’ words and started overthinking and overanalyzing and worked himself up into a frenzy for two weeks. For a very long time now Remus had been working on pushing these memories away and it got easier with the years but returning to the Shackle – Remus could not be sure what his would mean for his mental state.

Thus, he was infinitely grateful for the Wolfsbane potion and he tried to express this towards Severus, who only sneered at him in response – as always. Remus could not blame the other man for despising him, sometimes he despised himself after all, but he was content with just trying not to give the potioneer another reason to be at odds with him. Dumbledore had told him not to overthink Severus’ attitude, but Remus knew Snape would not ever trust him. The both of them never had gotten along in the first place and now, after all this time there was the additional factor of Sirius’ escape that Severus held against him. It was hard to blame him for that. Whilst Remus knew he had nothing to do with the deed there was no way to prove this and even if there would have been, Severus distrust was running so deep in his veins it would have presumably changed nothing.

The first full moon of the school-year Remus survived without much fuss. He had spent the night in his office, rolled together in his wolf form, sleeping most of the time. And when he had awoken the next day he had already transitioned and everything was as orderly as before. Whilst the side effects of the potion had made the days leading up to the full moon hard – it was harder to concentrate and at times even hard to stay awake – the transition itself had gone perfectly smooth. It was a relaxing though that life could sometimes just be that easy.

***

Remus had always been a chocolate enthusiast but during these days he found his stacks emptying way sooner than ever before. It was the influence of the dementors, mostly. Even though they were forbidden to enter the school grounds by Dumbledore’s rule their sheer presence depressed the mood of everyone and Remus was handing out chocolate to his students and colleagues so often that he found himself on regular trips to Hogsmeade’s _Honeyduke’s_.

Walking down the school grounds towards the village brought up memories of his own time as a student, of Sirius and James talking about what they needed for their next pranks on the way. Those were good memories but upon his arrival in the streets of Hogsmeade those were shoved into his subconscious again by the Wanted-posters with Sirius’ face on them. Every time Remus saw them he could not help but think how bad Sirius looked in the picture. Of course, he was depicted as he would be looking by this time and the inhumane treatment in Azkaban had surely left its marks on a man who had been incarcerated there for about a decade. But still. When Remus thought of Sirius – when he let his heart reign and thought back to who Sirius had been; the Sirius Remus had loved unconditionally – he saw a youthful, beautiful, boyish man. Remus saw the black locks he had tangled his fingers in, the grey eyes that had made his heart race whenever their gaze had been solely focused on him, the mouth that he had kissed, the hands that had held him…all together; the human he had loved so deeply that he still could not shake these feelings off. Even though Sirius was a murderer, even though he had betrayed him, even though Lily and James were dead because of him. It did not change the fact that Remus worried, when he saw these search posters. And he worried not only _about_ Sirius – about him turning up in Hogwarts, about him killing someone else, about him serving Voldemort – but he also could not keep himself from worrying _for_ him.

This made every trip to Hogsmeade hurtful and the gratification the chocolate brought sometimes seemed like too less to keep going with it. It did not help that those walks also served the purpose to show Remus just how lonely he was. Before, he had been living alone, mostly isolated and his everyday life had not offered insight into other people’s living situations. Now, whenever he was in the village, he met other teachers with their significant others, some with their children and grandchildren even; the villagers were there leading their lives unaware of what their routine meant to Remus. But even they were highly disturbed by the presence of the Dementors. Honeyduke’s had stocked up on everything made of chocolate, Remus had been told by the attendant and Rosmerta had started brewing chocolate butter beer that was offered at a discount price for everyone who looked just a teeny tiny bit sad. The neighborhoods had arranged for Patronuses to guard the streets, especially if there were children around. Everyone was looking out for each other and even in the shady Hog’s Head Inn, where there were all kinds of people coming together you found bowls with chocolate truffles on all tables in these days.

Remus knew of this, because on one of his trips he had met Hagrid on his way back towards the school grounds and the other man had talked him into getting a drink with him. He could not say no, as Hagrid had been considerably sad in the last weeks, ever since at the beginning of the school year his first lesson had dramatically ended with an injured student and the prospect of one of his Hippogriffs getting executed. Of course, everyone who knew the full story was aware that this was mostly a power play, initiated by the Malfoy family, trying to prove the supposed incompetence of those who they deemed unworthy. Still, it looked like Hagrid would lose this fight and as he was trying to prepare himself emotionally he needed lots of company and well-meaning appeals to live with it. The night in the Hog’s Head was not the only one Remus spent with Hagrid, trying to comfort him but he rarely ever felt successful when he left the hut to return to the castle. Even worse – most of the times the return trip was filled with the unfathomable feeling of being followed or watched. The woods Remus probably knew better than almost anyone else looked suspicious and dangerously dark in these days and Remus did not know if this new-found paranoia was another side effect of the Dementors’ presence – it would be unusual but not impossible, or even improbable – or his subconscious working through all his worries and fears.

Remus usually made his trips to Hogsmeade every fortnight on Saturdays but in the last week of October he deemed this unnecessary as it would be Halloween – of course – and the feast would provide so much chocolate for the students and staff, that his own stocks would probably last a week longer. This was also positive in respect to this being the first Hogsmeade weekend for the students in this school year. The village would be bursting with people and especially Honeyduke’s would be too crowded and popular to purchase large amounts of chocolate. So, while the student body buzzed with anticipation as the pupils left the school grounds heading towards the village, Remus watched them from a third floor window, cheered up by the sight of their colorful hats and scarfs dancing through the landscape.

Afterwards he headed to the kitchen to get himself some tea and biscuits and to converse with the house elves. Ever since his own third year in Hogwarts he had been to the kitchen fairly regularly – most of the times accompanied by one or more Marauders – and some of the elves were still there and all of them remembered him. He chatted with them for a little while until it was getting late – he was expecting a delivery and did not want to stand up the delivery person. He didn’t. He arrived at the door to his office just in time to let in the witch who brought the Grindylow. She set the tank of water down in the back corner of the room, asked him to sign a slip of paper and then she was gone again. Remus sat down behind his desk and watched the creature intently. It was curious where it had been brought to, peeking through the glass of its container into the new environment of Remus’ office. From the corner of his eyes Remus saw someone passing the still opened door and before his brain had even processed the information he had already called out, “Harry?”

The boy came back immediately, expectant of what Remus wanted to know, but the latter came up blank. So he asked what seemed to be an obvious question, why Harry was alone and of course the answer was that Hermione and Ron had been beneath the students who went to Hogsmeade. Remus did not ask why Harry had not accompanied them. He knew as well as every member of the staff, that even if there had been a signed permission slip that had granted him entrance into Hogsmeade, nobody would have allowed him to actually go. So, the school – aka the headmaster and Professor McGonagall – had been fairly relieved that there had been no such thing and even technically they were not able to let him go there.

Remus knew it had been foolish to call Harry to him. It was his sentimentality that had urged him to call out for the boy. It was James’ looks and Lily’s eyes and their combined mind and heart. Talking to Harry, Remus had noticed, was a great comfort, even though the boy had no idea how much his parents had meant – and still meant – to Remus. He did not want to tell him though. He could not tell him much about his parents without involving stories about Sirius and as far as Remus knew, Harry was only aware that Sirius was a danger to him. Nothing further. Remus would not be able to bear having to break a thirteen-years old’s heart. There should be no need for a cruelty like this and if there was – and Remus knew this was his own cowardice speaking – he did not want to be the one to do it. So Remus showed Harry the Grindylow instead, and he talked with him about Boggarts and he learnt that Harry had the wits of his father and the wisdom of his mother. The Dementors were his greatest fear and he was apparently not even aware of their most devastating powers – the Kiss.

After Harry had left Remus took a nap – Wolfsbane did this to his body every time – and when he woke up it was almost time for the feast. He went down to the Great Hall and his tiring spirit was cheered up again by the students. They were sharing their impressions of the Hogsmeade trip with each other, exchanging candy and _Zonko’s_ articles and chattering and blabbering so much, it was even noisier than regularly. It was heart-warming.

In addition there were the decorations in the Great Hall, the pumpkins Hagrid had grown with much love and expertise – Remus had told him a month ago that he would have the biggest and most beautiful pumpkins in all of Britain but it had not been really comforting. Apparently though, tonight it was. Hagrid was even smiling a little bit and he chugged down the spiced pumpkin juice as he normally only drank fire whiskey – Remus was hoping he had not spiked the drink himself, he was in enough trouble with the Ministry already, there was no need to add trouble with Dumbledore onto that pile. But Hagrid knew that and Remus was sure the other man would behave himself. Maybe – and this was hope speaking from Remus – he was just regularly cheerful tonight. Maybe the buzz of the students gave him as much as it did to Remus.

***

The feast went by as every nice evening goes – faster than you notice and with a feeling of implicitness and naturalness to the ease of the fare – and this made the end of it stick out even more. The whole situation was messy, no one seemed to be sure what exactly had happened, until somehow everybody knew. And through all of the chaos one message arrived in Remus consciousness with priority: Sirius had been there.

He had been on the way back to his quarter when someone had called for him with an urge that told him immediately that he was needed. When he reached the entrance to the Gryffindor quarters – his own former home – he had been hastily informed that the Fat Lady had fled from her painting and that all the other paintings were in turmoil as well. The aura of chaos and panic infected the students, who were waiting for entrance into their rooms. On his way Remus had also met Professor McGonagall and Severus, who had apparently been called upon for help as well. They met Dumbledore in front of the Fat Lady’s empty picture frame – the canvas slashed and strangely empty without the presence of the Lady. The headmaster was talking to Peeves, who was floating over the students’ heads announcing for all of them to hear, that Sirius Black had been the one to attack the Fat Lady.

Remus saw Dumbledore switch into the mode to tackle this crisis, McGonagall was doing the same, first of all scanning the mass of students for Harry, Remus found himself doing the same and the witch and he exchanged a short glance that went with a subtext that was kinship and kindness. Thoroughly opposed to this there was another pair of eyes fixed on Remus. Severus was watching him as if he was waiting for him to do…well, Remus was not entirely sure what the other man was expecting of him. He knew Severus did not trust him, he was fairly certain that he was right now analyzing how Remus could have been helping Sirius, but even if he _was_ , what would it help to observe Remus now?

Remus turned his attention from his spiteful colleague to Dumbledore, who was starting to give commands what to do. By now, there were other teachers present, probably having been alarmed by the elves or the ghosts. Those were the fastest ways to spread news amongst the staff and – if Peeves was not involved – leave the student body in the unknown for what it was worth. Causing a massive panic was something nobody wanted. So, there were commands made to organize all students’ departure to the Great Hall, where they would stay the night under the careful watch of the prefects and some of the staff. The rest of them were dispersed to search the castle for Sirius.

Severus ‘volunteered’ to build a search party with Remus and if Remus had been any less patient he would have probably rolled his eyes. What helped was the little smile Dumbledore showed, when he sent the two off their way with the words: “I trust you two to have faith in each other for doing all you can.” Severus snorted at these words but he kept silent for most of the time and except for some general exchanges of “Nothing here!”s and “Have you looked over there?”s they did not speak for about an hour while they were scanning every corner of their designated area to search. Still, Remus was aware of Severus watching him and of the other man double- and triple-checking Remus’ work. As if he expected Remus to have helped Sirius to hide under a carpet or in this trunk of Binns in the History of Magic classroom. It would have been hilarious had it not been for the realness of their current situation.

Sirius had broken into Hogwarts. Even though the school grounds were guarded by Dementors. Even though the protective spells all around the school were more than twice as strong as they had been back in their days – and those had been the days leading up to a war. But honestly, despite the shock, Remus was not _really_ surprised that Sirius had managed to overcome these obstacles. He had never been anything short of brilliant when it came to doing magic. He was dangerously smart but back in their youth the danger of this attribute had only been in his snarky wit and the attractiveness that came with his high cheekbones and sassy attitude. It had not been until the bitter end that Remus was forced to ask himself how deep his insight into Sirius’ mind and character had actually ever been. He had believed to know him but he was proved otherwise by Sirius’ actions. Still, he was sure that – if anything – he had _under_ estimated Sirius’ wit if he had been deceiving Remus – and James, Peter, Lily, Alice, and so many more – for years before betraying them.

So, Remus found himself searching for Sirius not actually expecting to find him and not sure if he was even hoping he would still come across the other man. He had not seen Sirius since the night before Lily and James had been killed. And the feelings he did have this night all these years ago had been dramatically altered by what happened in between – even though this was not true to all of them and not in their entirety, as Remus was painfully aware. He was torn between hoping to find Sirius – which would mean an end to the whole affair of his escape; of seeing his face everywhere printed on posters; of being watched by everyone who knew even part of their past history together – and the actual in its substance almost tangible fear that was combined with the prospect of finding him – would Remus be able to even move?; would he act in anger or in spite of his anger?; would his heart be able to handle this?

Severus for one seemed to be very certain of what he would do if they came across Sirius. Remus would guess he had planned to stun Sirius into oblivion and probably Remus with him if only for his old grudge’s sake. As an explanation he could always tell anyone who asked that he had thought Remus had been a collaborator. Most people would believe Severus without batting an eye. Compared to Remus Severus was a respected member of the Wizarding Society. And even if they by now held the same position as teachers in Hogwarts Remus was still a werewolf and Severus had – if not friends than at least – acquaintances who were influential – the Malfoys, the Crabbes and whatever all their pureblood family names were. Also Remus relationship to Sirius would be held against him – even though only few people knew it had been more than a friendship that had connected them.

When they came up with nothing after an extensive search Remus had to hold onto himself not to sigh in relief – he could only guess Severus would misinterpret this in a way of his choosing. Severus left him with a last long stare that seemed to try and drill a hole in Remus’ skull to report back to the headmaster. Remus was sure, that the rest of staff had been equally unsuccessful to pin Sirius down – they would have been informed had it been otherwise. So, he followed Severus towards the Great Hall and only the other man’s decidedly hurried strides – of course, Severus would not run in the corridors but power-walk – caused Remus to arrive in the Entrance Hall later than his colleague. The rest of the staff had come together there, whispering with each other and Remus noticed that most of them glanced at him from the corner of their eyes, insufficiently attempting to hide it. He tried to ignore it, joining Professor McGonagall, who was standing afoot from the rest of the staff, instructing the house elves to prepare breakfast a bit later the next day as the students would need time to return to their Houses and use the washing rooms. When she saw Remus approaching she offered him a smile that was as kind as her expressions got – it was soft around the corners of her mouth and reached her eyes with a kind of sadness he remembered from his days as a student who was chronically ill and spent days and nights at the infirmary. He knew, she was aware of the strain the events of the evening had put onto his nerves and of the inconvenient timing of this as the full moon was near again and cost Remus enough nerves and sleep already.

“You should go to bed, Remus,” she told him, her eyebrows knitted together in the stern expression she always carried when she _advised_ – read: commanded – someone. He gave her a weak smile of his own, he appreciated her concern but with casting a glance around the room he declined this.

“I wanted to get an update on the findings, even though I suppose there has been…nothing. Also, I see the rest of staff is still awake-“

“Only because they do not listen to me either,” McGonagall answered with a face that showed amusement, understanding but also some of the sourness her words suggested.

“They probably would not sleep even if they returned to their quarters. I am certain I would neither or at least not for a long time,” Remus answered and he knew she understood. If he were to turn in for the night it seemed impossible to fall asleep. Of course, in the end sleep would most probably claim him but this could also happen while he was sitting on a bench in the Entrance Hall surrounded by his colleagues. Then, he would not have to be alone. He would not have to overthink the personal inclinations that came with the happenings of the night. Also it would help not to arouse suspicions.

Some of the staff members were suspicious enough about him, treading lightly around him as if he was dangerous. Even though Dumbledore had apparently convinced all of them that they were not in imminent danger with Remus around, stereotypes about lycanthropy still persisted. There was a cause-effect relationship between the concerns his colleagues had about him – his lycanthropy and his past with Sirius – and the reason he had been hired by Dumbledore in the first place and Remus felt as if fate – or whatever or whoever was pulling the strings in his existence – was pulling a prank on him. Had he believed in reincarnation or in sin, Remus had probably spent his nights wondering what he had done wrong to deserve this. But he wasn’t. And he knew searching for a reason would not help his sanity. The only thing that helped was getting through.

***

Security measures around campus were strengthened further in the following weeks. This mostly meant stronger spells that were renewed more frequently to strengthen their effects. There was a paranoia spreading throughout the student body and also some of the staff. Every noise and every shadow were suspicious and countless students were living fearful days. Even though it was kind of an open secret that it was Harry who Sirius was after, the idea of him breaking into the school was terrifyingly threatening for all of them. Even Remus’ Slytherin students who were acting the most tough – the indications this gave about their upbringing reminded Remus of Sirius in the worst way possible – were keen on every new lesson, letting the knowledge of defensive techniques calm their minds.

November ended in a foggy cold that was caused by the presence of the Dementors but also reflected the general mood in the castle. With the end of the month the moon became fuller every night and Remus found that this time the Wolfsbane affected him stronger than ever before. He felt so sick that he had to refrain from giving his lessons. His substitute for most of the lessons was Severus which was – of course – not ideal, but there was nothing to do about it and it only lasted a few days, not even a whole week.

Beginning with a Monday he was fitted to meet other people again just in time for the first Quidditch match of the season and he looked forward to watch Harry and the rest of the Gryffindor team play. Seeing the way the boy flew his broom gave Remus flashbacks to James doing the same and he knew his father would have been so proud. The day had been almost too good to be true, so in retrospective Remus thought it was only appropriate for it to end in the chaos it did. This was more cynical than Remus normally allowed himself to be – because it made him sad and because in his head this kind of thing was still reserved for Sirius – but seeing a thirteen-year old getting attacked by Dementors the second time in only three months was a good enough reason for him not to restrain himself.

Remus was probably one of the first in the audience to notice the attack, because he had been watching only Harry for most of the game. So when the Dementor attacked him, Remus jumped up immediately casting his Patronus. Just mere seconds after he saw Professor McGonagall’s Patronus joining his own and again only split seconds passed before there was a whole bunch of Patronuses – produced by the teachers and some of the older students who had grasped the situation and had been taught by Remus – filled the room between the students and the Dementors. Most of the students had never seen a Patronus before and were therefore dumbstruck by the animal figures surrounding them, but Remus was sure they could not _not_ notice the effect the Patronuses had on the atmosphere.

Remus did not take the time to admire the change in atmosphere and the awed expressions of the students around him, though. Instead he headed down to the Quidditch field where Harry’s body was lowered to the ground now by Professor Dumbledore, who had reacted first to not let the boy fall from the sky. Harry was unconscious, as was to be expected, and his face was very pale, his cheeks standing out as they were still reddened by the wind he had faced on the broom. As soon as his body was within reach, Madam Hooch hovered over the boy to check his vital signs, while Dumbledore gave orders to bring him into the infirmary. He saw Remus heading towards them and signaled him to come closer.

“Remus, Minerva will take Harry to the hospital wing,” Professor McGonagall, Remus saw, was already on her way, having the unconscious boy float before her, “and I will have to tend to the Dementors and contact the Ministry about this incident. Please take charge of controlling the situation out here and getting all students back into the castle safely as soon as possible.”

Remus nodded, happy to be able to help. From the headmaster’s tone he could tell, that Dumbledore was furious. Whilst his words were composed, his features spoke of the extent to which this outraged him. His Patronus – a phoenix – was floating in the grey sky above them, equally as forceful as its owner. The Dementors had been forced to retreat by the enormous amount of Patronuses. It was hard to judge if they were still near the stadium, because the Patronuses were giving off such a calming, comforting glow.

Remus and his colleagues decided to send them to accompany the students back to the castle, Professor Sprout and Flitwick taking care of discharging the students in groups, so they could be safely escorted. It took some time to clear the stadium and it went by as uneventful as one could hope. Finally, the last group of students was sent off by Remus, who made his way back following a few steps behind them.

After taking the long way towards the infirmary to get some chocolate from the stocks in his office, he joined Professor McGonagall in the hallway outside the hospital wing. She was resting on one of the benches there, face buried in her hands. She looked exhausted, but not pessimistic. When she noticed Remus approaching, she straightened herself out, but also she smiled.

“He will be fine, says Poppy,” McGonagall tells Remus before he can even ask, “He needs a good night’s rest and some chocolate and then he should be as right as ninepence by this time tomorrow.”

Remus answered with a nod and a smile. “May I sit with you?” He gestured towards the seat next to her on the bench and she answered with a nod.

“How are you, Remus?” she asked. She had asked him the same after every full moon he had spent in this castle. When he had woken up in the infirmary she had been one of the few people who were always there to look after him. Her presence had become something very soothing, only more so after she had been one of the few people who had known about Sirius and him. He could remember Sirius being fickle, scared, when he admitted to Remus, that he had told their Head of House of Remus’ and his relationship.

Back in the day the two of them had decided to keep the nature of their relationship to themselves. Only their closest friends knew – Peter, James, Lily, Alice and Frank – mostly because of Sirius’ familial situation. Both of them were scared that – should the Black family ever find out about the two of them being in love – Sirius relatives would start to look into Remus and his life. And if they did so, they would find out about his lycanthropy and there would be nothing holding them from outing Remus to his school mates. It was hard on them to keep it secret sometimes. And Remus was far from not understanding why Sirius had told Professor McGonagall about them. Sirius had always had a strong connection to her and for him to be able to have a coming-out of sorts that involved a parental figure was something Remus could have only ever wished for him. The circumstances of their relationship – the hiding, the tragedy of Remus’ illness, Sirius family situation – had given Professor McGonagall just another reason to keep a soft spot for Remus.

After what Sirius had done – after the night James and Lily had died and the day Peter was murdered by him out in the open – Professor McGonagall had come to Remus. She came asking for an explanation, for comfort, for understanding. Neither of them was able to believe what had happened to be true, but it was impossible to find an explanation for everything that had happened. It was entirely impossible to understand what had happened. But there had at least been something other than solitude in her company. For Remus, these days had meant losing all three of his best friends at once, all three of the pillars that helped him holding up what he called his life. But the professor had been there, if only to keep him silent company while both of them were trying not to cry. It had been way better than solitude.

They were engaging in something similar this night, in front of the double doors to the hospital wing. It was not as tragic as the last time they had been sitting together, no one was on the verge of tears, but it was still very familiar, the feeling of the world not offering an explanation as to why the bad was happening and how its occurrences were distributed amongst the people in this world.

Professor McGonagall had to ask him again, how he was, because he had been wallowing in the atmosphere of sitting there with her for too long to still remember he was supposed to answer a question. When she asked again, he shrugged. He knew this was no good enough answer, so he tried to put his feelings into words, but there were no words forming in his mind. The professor gave him a kind and understanding smile. Sometimes, there was no answer to a question like this.

“It is strange, seeing the boy on his broomstick,” McGonagall stated instead, changing the topic and Remus could not help but smile nostalgically, “he looks almost like his father and he flies even better.”

“He does. James’ skill on the Quidditch field has always intrigued me, but seeing Harry out there…it was something else. James would be so proud,” he said, and the truth that rang in his words made him unbelievably sad, so he tried to steer away from the topic of James. “I heard he had played since his first year here. An exception to the rule, made possible by you personally.” There was a slight tease in his words that he had only recently discovered he could apply in conversations with his former professor – she did not mind and actually smiled at him a lot more since he had started to see her as more of a friend and less of an authority figure.

She was smiling at him now. “Now, if that is what you heard, Remus,” she answered and then proceeded to tell him how this had come to happen and it was nice to just sit there, listening to her. “He is the best seeker our team has seen in years. There has barely been a game lost since he started playing, except for the game today.”

And that was how Remus learned that Gryffindor had indeed lost the game, as the attack on Harry had only been noticed by the audience and the other players as well as Madam Hooch when the game had already been ended due to the other team’s seeker catching the snitch. It had been split seconds to decide the result of the match and even though this clearly had no importance compared to Harry’s state of health and his well-being it was a hard pill to swallow, because McGonagall was still Head of Gryffindor House – and Remus was still a proud Gryffindor as well – and also because they both could imagine that Harry would feel in some way responsible for what had happened. He had a hero complex far too strong for such a young boy. It would have driven Lily mad if she was there. But then, if Lily were there, maybe Harry would have not been forced to go through all of what had given him this complex.

Remus and Professor McGonagall sat there in silence for a little while longer, until their silence was interrupted by Madam Pomfrey, who pushed open the door to the hospital wing with clear intent on her face. Remus almost laughed, when she startled a bit upon seeing him there. She had clearly been looking for Professor McGonagall and Remus was very certain she had come to berate the Professor for staying up late while nothing could be done by this. He was not wrong and he got his fair share of Madam Pomfrey’s strong-worded speech. She sent both of them off to bed after – and only after some bargaining did she agree to this – letting Remus look after Harry, setting the chocolate he had brought up on the nightstand next to the hospital bed before being ushered out in the most passive aggressive, hushed tone he had ever encountered.

Harry did get better soon to everyone’s relief. According to Madam Pomfrey he had eaten a large amount of the chocolate that had been given to him not only by Remus but apparently also by the rest of the world. Remus took this in with a grain of salt. It was good, that he was not the only person giving Harry something. Even though he was by now known to hand out chocolate to everyone in his vicinity – a first-year student had told him this a few days back – it would have maybe awoken some suspicion in Harry and Remus was still very unsure of how clever it would be to disclose his relationship to James and Lily in front of Harry. Still, it also made him sad to hear of the many people who had the means and money to send Harry chocolate – because there were some very important people missing from this list of people.

When Remus returned to teaching, Harry was back as well. He and his class mates seemed to be happy to see Remus return and it was no surprise as most of Remus’ classes had reacted this way. Apparently Severus had let them read and summarize chapters of their text books, which – honestly – no one had ever found interesting. In the case of his third-years it had been even worse apparently. Not only were they doomed to do this boring text work as well, he had also skipped a considerable amount of chapters to let his students read and write about werewolves. Remus had to hold onto himself really strongly not to give any reaction to this. He knew he should talk to Dumbledore about this and the prospect of this gave him a headache in advance. He did not want to complain about Severus, but the other man’s antics were getting kind of ridiculous in his attempt to passive-aggressively out Remus to his students by these means.

The lesson passed fast after he had amended his students’ concerns for the lesson Snape had given them and afterwards Remus found himself asking Harry to stay for a moment, while the students cleared out. It had been a whim decision and really – he had only wanted to ask how Harry felt. Yet the topic of their conversation inevitably shifted onto the Dementors’ attack and then Harry dropped Sirius name and it made Remus’ insides churn and then he asked to learn the defense against the Dementors and even though Remus told him he was no expert – his Patronus was only strong if he thought of one particular memory, the only happy memory that had not been tainted by memories – and he had pleaded and Remus could see Lily in his eyes and James in the rest of the boy and he wanted to do everything in his power to keep him safe and he said yes. Yes, he would teach him. And that was that.

He knew it would be hard to teach the Patronus to a thirteen-year old boy. This was advanced magic, something even most adult wizards could not do. And it required a source of happiness Remus knew was hard to tap into sometimes. There had been times in his life Remus was sure he would have been totally inept to produce even the shadow of a Patronus. Besides it probably being hard on Harry, Remus was also scared. Scared of what spending more time with Harry would mean for his mental state and for the sake of keeping his connection to Sirius under the radar of the student body – well, especially Harry himself. He knew, it was still the right thing to do but he needed to get some encouragement for really handling the task.

So, he addressed the topic in his next meeting with the headmaster. The two of them had been meeting regularly – after every full moon – throughout the school year and Remus felt it was a practice of taking care as much as it was one of surveillance. He was aware Dumbledore did not only search for conversation with him this often, because he was worried for Remus’ health, but also because he was quite aware of Remus’ past relationship to Sirius. Remus was not sure who had told the headmaster – if anyone had ever told him, maybe he had also just seen the clues.

Dumbledore heard out Remus’ report of his conversation with Harry and judging by the look on his face, he approved of the idea to teach Harry the Patronus charm. This was no surprise to Remus; it was quite obvious for everyone that it would be _useful_ for Harry to learn to defend himself. However, if it was _possible,_ that was a whole other question. Dumbledore had no doubt that it would be hard for Harry to learn a spell this complicated – with his young age and violent history – but he was also confident that he would succeed eventually. The conversation with the headmaster left Remus relieved and _charged_. He felt good. He felt good enough to look forward to the first lesson. He had promised Harry to start soon, but first there was Christmas.

***

Remus went home to his parents for Christmas. He accompanied the students to Hogsmeade on the first day of the holidays and then parted from them to continue his way to the village. Madam Rosmerta had offered him her chimney to floo to his parents’ house from. Apparating and Disapparating were momentarily not possible from Hogsmeade by order of the Ministry. It was one of the security measures taken to protect Hogwarts from Sirius intruding. For the people living in Hogsmeade it was an inconvenience that came coupled with the presence of the Dementors. People in the village were very unhappy with the Ministry because of this but they were at least equally as scared of Sirius Black, so they complained to each other but not to the Ministry itself. They were not comfortable with the situation but at least they were safe. Remus’ inner cynic took the situation as another proof that people were ready to accept all kinds of inconveniences in exchange for a feeling of safety. He pushed the thought away. He did not want to take this attitude nor this atmosphere with him to his parents’ place. He wanted to relax for a few days; he wanted calm and the warmth of his parents around him.

Remus had always loved Christmas. The holidays had always been a big thing in the Lupin household, there were a bunch of traditions – in food, in decorating, in inviting friends and relatives, etc. – that lulled Remus right into the holiday mood every year he spent it with his parents. And there had barely been a year when he had not.

Once, while still in school, all of the marauders had spent Christmas together in Hogwarts. It had been the first year Sirius had not gone back to his family – he had not been outcast by his parents at this point but explicitly asking him not to come home for Christmas was not too far from that. Sirius had been hurt even though he did not show it – he rather coated his feelings in a thick layer of sarcasm and indifference – but his friends saw right through it and stayed with him. He had cried in Remus’ arms this past Christmas Eve. It had not been the worst Christmas Remus had ever had.

This title was reserved for every single year that the full moon intersected with one of the Christmas days. Remus remembered one particularly bad year, a few years before he came to Hogwarts. His parents were still trying to find a cure for his lycanthropy back then and Remus had spent the better part of the year succumbing himself to medical and magical procedures that promised at least _hope_ for a cure. Nothing had helped, though. Still, he participated in another trial run for a treatment in the fall months of the year and by the December full moon – which had been the Day before Christmas Eve – it should have shown its effect. The healer that had proposed this therapy had been positive and optimistic and even though Remus had actually known better than to let himself get infected by these feelings he just could not help himself. He had been so shattered by the failure of the therapy that he had spent all of Christmas this year curled up in thick blankets, drinking tea, crying and sleeping.

Afterwards, whenever the full moon fell on a Christmas Day the family just arranged for their festivities to take place a few days earlier or later. It was a nice gesture and while they were celebrating in these years it had always _felt_ like Christmas. But it had still meant spending the actual Christmas Days in pain and agony. There was no compensation.

This year the full moon in December was closer to New Year’s Eve than to Christmas which was rather convenient for Remus. Severus had stocked him up on enough Wolfsbane so that he could handle this full moon by himself. It had been the best Christmas present even though it had been handed to Remus with a scowl and some subtly passive-aggressive wishes for the holidays. His own smile had gone to waste spent on Severus, but there was no way Remus could have not smiled at him to express at least some of the enormous gratefulness he felt for the other man. He was sure his mother would give him something to pass onto Severus as a note of thanks from his parents – maybe some of her self-made Christmas cookies. Severus would most probably react as if Remus had presented him with poisoned apples. But still, it was something to be said – the “Thank you” Severus always ignored or scoffed at. It was one of the things his parents had told Remus. That you had to thank the people who helped you no matter if they wanted to hear it. Because there were people in this world who had trouble accepting nice words.

“There are people in this world who have never been told that they were valued for who they are or for what they do,” Remus’ mother always said. Back in the days these words had always made Remus think of Sirius first. He had never been valued by his parents and in the first few years of them knowing each other he did have severe trouble at taking compliments and accepting nice words. It was a shame. In this respect Severus and Sirius were not that different from each other. Likely, this was the only similarity between the two of them and Remus took the momentum from this thought to push away the topic of Sirius all-together as he entered Rosmerta’s chimney to floo to his parents’ house.

When he stepped out of the chimney, dusting himself off, his mother was in the living room, setting up the Christmas tree. She turned around as soon as she noticed him approaching, a smile on her face. Hope Lupin was one of those people who you could see by the first glance that they were loving and caring people. She was radiating love and acceptance and warmth. There were not many people like her, who were so honestly giving away a picture of how they really were.

Hope was there to embrace Remus almost immediately. She was way smaller than Remus, only reaching up to his chin and fragile in her figure. But she gave good hugs, using all leverage her short arms gave her and pouring all her love into the contact. She did not let him go for at least a full minute.

“It has been forever,” she stated and Remus answered with a nod that she did not see but feel as his chin was nuzzling her hair in the process, “at least you have written some more.”

As soon as she had let her son go she called out for her husband. “Your father is setting up the decorations in the garden. We are expecting some friends over after Boxing Day, that’s alright with you, yes?” She looked at him over her shoulder, heading back to decorating the tree. Remus set his bags down, taking off his jacket and hanging it over the back of a chair. He picked up some glitter ball to hang in the branches. His mother was still talking, counting who they were expecting to come by over the holidays. It was something so domestic, it made Remus heart ache. He was so happy to be there.

“Now, look who the snow storm has blown in,” Lyall Lupin said, when he entered the living room. There were snowflakes visible on his coat and in the strands of hair that fell into his face. He grabbed Remus by the shoulders and pulled him in for another bone-crushing hug.

“Hi, Dad,” Remus greeted him and when they let go of each other, all three of them smiled.

“You’re looking good. Not as scrawny as the last time we saw you,” Lyall said and Remus cringed internally. Of course, he could not deny his father was right but it still made Remus feel bad to think back to this last meeting. He had just lost his job at the time, having to live off his small savings for a while. His parents always worried too much about him and he only ever asked them for help if it was really his last resort. They were not wealthy themselves, both working in lower middle-class jobs, all their former savings having been spent on treatment for an illness that was incurable.

“Hogwarts is feeding you good, it seems,” Hope – as always – sensed Remus’ tension and gave the conversation another direction. He smiled at her gratefully; she gave him a knowing smirk. Lyall did not notice their exchange as it seemed.

“The food in Hogwarts has not lost anything of its amount and tastefulness,” he answered and it painted smiles on the faces of his parents. There had been a time in his first year in Hogwarts where he had written as much paragraphs about the food in Hogwarts as he had about his friends and schoolwork.

“But your mum still remains the best cook, right?” Lyall answered, putting his arm around his wife’s shoulders and pressing a quick peck on her cheek.

Hope answered with a snort and by playfully pushing her husband away. “He just wants me to make bread and butter pudding for Boxing Day, you know? Even though it’s not treating him very good, that he always asks for it.” She padded her husband’s stomach with a teasing smile on her lips.

Merlin, Remus had missed his parents. Their bantering and bickering with each other was so comforting, it felt so much like home.

The first evening the three of them spent decorating the house and then at the dinner table, sitting there for far longer than they were actually eating just engrossed in conversations – about work, about the neighbors, about everything and anything really. It was nice. It was what Remus had hoped to find there. He slept really well; it was probably the first night since Halloween that he had slept a dreamless sleep from evening to morning. Maybe the comfort of his childhood home had soothed his nerves. He had spent most nights in the last two months lying awake, thinking about Sirius, more specifically about Sirius being an Animagus. Wasn’t this something he should have told Dumbledore? At the very least after Sirius’ attempt to break into Gryffindor tower. But, he was always telling himself, Sirius had apparently not used his ability to transform into a dog to enter the castle – a ghost or one of the portraits would have seen him. Maybe he was not even healthy enough to transform – physically and mentally. This was entirely possible. At least that was what Remus told himself. It worked, most of the times. Sometimes better than other times.

The night spent at his parents’ place had gone by without the subject even coming to his mind. Maybe, and this was a very hopeful maybe, it would not come up as long as he was there. That would not only solve his momentary problem but it would also mean that all this overthinking was due to the presence of the Dementors Remus was exposed to in Hogwarts. His mind was not clouding on its own. The thought was a relief.

Remus slept in the first morning. It was the day before Christmas Eve and when he entered the kitchen where he had expected to find his parents he instead found a note that stated they had gone grocery shopping to avoid the even bigger hazard a day later. So, Remus set up his work on the kitchen table, eating toast while grading some essays of his second-year students. He was almost finished by the time Hope and Lyall returned. Remus helped to unpack the groceries. It was nice how easy it was to re-integrate him into this family life. But that it was so easy also meant that nothing had changed much even though he had been moved out of his parents’ home for approximately fifteen years. Remus tried to shake the thought off – there was a distinctive reason why his life had gone by this path and he did not want to think of Sirius. But not-thinking about him was not really an option. Even in his parents’ house he could not escape his face, it was printed in every damn copy of the Daily Prophet and though his parents had not mentioned him specifically – yet – they had clearly been fishing for information about how Remus was handling the situation.

His parents had been two of the few people who had known about Remus and Sirius. Remus had always trusted them and had been honest with them about his sexual orientation almost as soon as he had figured it out. And then, when he had been talking about Sirius, his parents had soon gotten the idea that Remus was in love with him. The next time he was home, he “had that certain glow” as Hope had called it in front of her son. So, they knew. Remus had even introduced them to each other at their graduation ceremony. They had been shocked severely when they learnt the news. They had immediately packed up an overnight bag and had come to Remus. They had gotten him to come back with them, spending some time there while he was processing, grieving. They had been so worried. Remus noticed signs of those same worries again.

Two days passed, before either of them mentioned Sirius to him. It was not unprompted as there had been more news reports about the search for him – an opinion piece about how his escape and still fugitive state proved the Ministry’s incompetence. Remus repeatedly found himself unable to look away from the picture they had used. For the first time since the reporting had started, they had neither used a picture of Sirius at his trial nor one that had been taken during his incarceration. Instead they had used a picture that showed Sirius on the day they had graduated from Hogwarts. Sirius had been in the prime of his life and happy on that day. Remus asked himself why they would have chosen this picture of all. The Prophet had never before tried to give any other message than that Sirius was a dangerous mad man.

He had probably been staring at the photograph for a long time, when his mother coughed to make her presence known to him. He jumped a little, letting go of the paper. His mother’s gaze flickered back and forth between his face and the picture she could only now see. He heard her sigh sadly.

“How are you handling it?” she asked sitting down next to him, laying a hand on his arm. Her hand was warm and comforting. He smiled a sad smile.

“To be honest, I don’t really know,” Remus said, “I just go on.”

“Are you talking to someone about it?” Remus glanced at her and he knew his face showed the guilt of not following her advice. Hope Lupin was a big fan of therapeutic talking. _‘One should always have friends to talk to about the hardest things.’_ But there was no one left for Remus. He was still acquainted with some of his old school mates but he only saw them like once a year and only by chance and also, he had isolated himself for a too long period of time to expect someone to remember him as a friend.

“Talk to me,” she said and it was as much an offer as it was a plea. Remus could hear sorrow and worries in her voice and he felt bad for being the reason for this. He thought of something to say but instead of words there was a lump forming in his head and his throat tightened. He had to force the words out of his mouth.

“I am scared,” he finally said and it was too less and too much to admit, really. Too less, because it did not explain the complexity of his feelings at all and too much, because saying it out loud made it way more real than it had been just sitting in his head.

“Oh, Remus,” Hope said, scurrying closer to hug him. He leaned into the embrace, resting his face atop her head, hiding his face in her hair, “are you scared of him or of yourself?”

As always, his mother was very aware of Remus’ inner battles. She was empathic to the point that Remus thought she would have been a legilimentor had she not been so adamant it was something no one should learn, because it violated people’s privacy. She always gave good advice due to this, though.

“Both,” Remus finally mumbled, his voice muffled by her hair but he was sure, she had heard him. Her hand was caressing his back in a soothing gesture. She was all comfort, all warm. “I am scared of him coming back to hurt Harry. I am scared of having to face him. I am scared of what I would do. Of what it would feel like. But I’m also scared for him. He will have to go back to Azkaban at least or even worse, he will get the kiss. I am scared of that, too. But it’s not right, I should…” It was hard enough to admit that he still had feelings for Sirius lingering in his heart and his head. It was blatantly obvious what he was meaning, though. It was an issue of common decency to _not be in love with the man who was responsible for the death of more than a dozen people, including three of your best friends_ no matter how much one had loved him before that.

Hope’s embrace tightened around his shoulders. There were tears burning in his eyes and the lump in his throat had only grown. Talking about problems should be freeing for the mind, but he did not feel freed, he felt somehow worse, trapped in his inappropriate feelings. He knew his mother would not judge him for it. None of his parents had ever judged him for anything he felt, he had grown up with the precept that people were by default entitled to their emotions. A small sob escaped Remus’ lips and the tears began welling. He felt so safe here, being able to let go of what had been constricting him for months.

Remus knew there was nothing to hide, no shame in feeling what you were feeling. Coming out to his parents had been mostly a formality there had been no fear, just the confusion he had felt himself. His upbringing had been so full of love and understanding he sometimes forgot it was a privilege. Sirius had always told him that it was only fair for his parents to be the best – there had been a long argument with James afterwards about whether his or Remus’ parents should be called the best, which had ended in a draw – as he was entitled to not much else. Still, it was something Remus found hard to learn, that not everyone was able to feel as loved and accepted as he felt by his parents. It was a shame that there were people in the world who were unable to give love to others. People deserved better – Sirius had deserved better in Remus eyes.

The Black parents had been emotionally abusive and manipulative bigots. All of his youth, Sirius had not shown any inclination, that he had even similar beliefs as they did. In the end, Remus had been proven wrong, but this had always, always been unbelievable. If it weren’t for the fact that there was proof of what had happened, Remus would have not believed it. But if there was any explanation as to what had happened, no one had told Remus about it. He would have believed it readily.

“Remus, my boy, you don’t have to feel ashamed for anything you are feeling, you know that, right?” Hope began talking when Remus’ ragged breathing grew calmer after a while. Her hands were still soothingly rubbing his back and stroking his hair. He felt like he was a little boy again, whenever he felt bad – especially after the full moon – his parents would sit with him for hours, cuddling, reading together, just comforting each other. All these days had started inherently bad but turned out fine. The love and comfort were almost enough to negate the memories of the pain and hurt.

“I know, mum,” he answered. It was a choked whisper but it was all he could give right now.

“You love him. To love someone is never wrong,” she continued reassuringly.

“I still wish I would not.” He was no longer sobbing, but there were still tears running down his cheeks.

“I know, Remus, I know.” Silence fell upon them once again, but it was comfortable. Remus knew, his mother was there to listen if he had something to say, but she was also ready to just sit there with him curled up in her arms, even though he had been too big for this for several years.

“It is hard to see Harry,” he finally said. This topic was a bit lighter, but still something that was constantly on his mind.

“People say he looks exactly like his father, except for-“

“His eyes, yeah,” Remus confirmed and then made a huff, “I bet he is already tired of people telling him that. But it is just so obviously true. Sometimes when I see him in the hallway just from the corner of my eye or something, I think it is James.”

“What is he like? As a person,” Hope asked delicately approaching the subject.

“He is fiery, a bit hot-headed maybe. A good friend, it seems. But he is also very aware of the expectations people have in him, and it is a pressure he cannot always handle well,” Remus answers, “He is also brave. Dumbledore told me that Harry knows Sirius is looking for him, practically the whole school knows. And Harry is handling it very bravely.”

“How much does he know about Sirius?” Remus feels himself go a bit stiff at the question, but it’s not that he does not want to answer her question. It is just so uncommon to hear someone say Sirius name. These days people were only referring to him as ‘Black’ or ‘Sirius Black’; it was impersonal and Remus understood why people did it. It was just, that this was a part of why there was still a distinction made in Remus’ mind between ‘Sirius Black the mass murderer’ and _his Sirius_. Remus shook off this feeling and motioned a bit so his mother would let him go out of her embrace. He was feeling better and also he felt like their conversation should be held face to face. Hope was smiling at him and he smiled back at her. He was still sad, but not as hurt as before.

“According to Dumbledore he only knows that Sirius had been in Hogwarts with James and Lily, that he had betrayed them to Voldemort” – Remus noticed his mother flinching at the name, but didn’t say anything about it – “and that he was in Azkaban for the murder of Peter and the Muggles that died as well. So, basically, he knows everything that has been in the newspaper and that it is probable that Sirius is looking for him to kill him.”

“That seems a lot to take in for such a young boy,” Hope stated. Then, after a minute of silence she added, “So, he doesn’t know about your friendship to James and Lily either.”

“He doesn’t,” Remus confirmed and as an answer to her frown, “it is fine, mum. There would be no way to tell him just part of the truth. He will ask me questions about them and maybe even about Sirius and I don’t want to have to answer him.”

“Alright,” his mother smiles at him again, “do you feel better?” – he nodded – “Do you feel up to baking some Christmas cookies?” And he nodded again.

On Christmas Eve they headed to church together. Remus was not really a Christian – the believe system was mostly for Muggles anyway, because it did not consider magic at all – but it was a family tradition and he went with it. The village his parents lived in was a small community – everybody knew each other. His parents were kind of the village’s ‘odd ones out’ and even more so was Remus, who only came to visit about twice a year. Still, Hope and Lyall were accepted in the community. They were catching side glances from a lot of people – none of their Muggle neighbors knew what they did for a living or understood how they did not have a television or a phone and such stuff – but everybody was nice to them, treating them well. On the way back home it started to snow, perfect Christmas weather.

Remus was very happy for a few days. Both of his parents were not working between Christmas and January 2, so they spent a lot of time just enjoying each other’s company. Remus prepared all of his classes for the first week after the break, writing a letter to Hagrid to thank him for getting some creatures for him, writing Christmas cards to his colleagues and to Alice and Frank. He received some for himself as well. Professor McGonagall even sent a pack of his favorite chocolate.

The month and the year came to an end, which also meant there would be another full moon. He had the Wolfsbane Severus had given him before he went home. The canned potion was not as potent as if it had been freshly made but beggars could not be choosers and really, having even this version of the potion meant so much for him. He spent a night as a wolf curled up on the floor of his childhood bedroom.

Then the New Year began with the idea of spending some of his summer with his parents in the Lake District. They had been there for vacation before – always carefully planned around the full moons – and it was a nice thought to go back there.

***

Remus arrived back in Hogwarts with a good feeling. The post-holiday blues had already blown over for him as he had experienced his own kind of blues in wolf form. It was really noticeable amongst the students though. The first week of lessons went by and everyone seemed to get back into the mind of studying without sudden episodes of sullen nostalgia about the holidays.

Harry Potter, in contrast to his classmates, had been very keen to start school again, staying behind after the first lesson of Defense against the Dark Arts of the New Year to ask for the private lessons Remus had agreed to. In fact, Remus had been thinking about these in the back of his mind for the last few days, not sure yet how to take the approach. Still, he agreed with Harry on a time and place, sure he would find a solution soon.

Remus had the idea when he was walking the grounds in his free period after lunch. He was strolling around the lake from where one was able to spot the Dementors guarding the school gates. As soon as he had thought of it, Remus decided to go on a hunt for a Boggart. He already knew that it would imitate a Dementor, when faced with Harry. And even though the Patronus charm was not the defense against Boggarts it would probably stupefy the creature enough to catch it again for later use.

Now, to find a Boggart in Hogwarts was a job for more than one person. Remus was sure there would be one to find somewhere in the hundreds of rooms the castle held, but to find and catch it, he needed some help. He went looking for Filch, who knew the castle better than most and who would be the one getting informed about sightings of creatures like these.

The caretaker was in his office and from the open door Remus was able to see Filch writing something up, scowling at the paper as if it had offended him in any way. On his lap was Mrs. Norris, his cat lady, who he petted absent-mindedly. She seemed very happy where she was. It was remarkable to Remus that this man, who was grumpy most of the time, held so much love for another being. Remus had to think of the Muggles’ saying that strange people always ended up living with cats, crazy and alone. Maybe it held some truth in this case, the caretaker seemed a bit crazy most of the time but he had always been, even back in Remus’ days as a student. He had been isolated, alone most of the times, there had not yet been a Mrs. Norris and actually, this was sad.

“What are you doing there, lurking around?” The caretaker had spotted Remus and narrowed his eyes in distrust. He obviously remembered Remus from back in the days and did not trust him now, even though he was a teacher now and surely not interested in casting destruction upon the order of the school. Not by default, anyway.

“I am in search of a Boggart,” Remus explained, “for a lesson of mine.”

“A lesson, huh?” Filch was definitely not believing him, but he did not say anything more, “There’s something living in the broom closet next to the portrait of the singing willow trees on the fourth floor. Not sure, if it’s what you’re searching for. Haven’t gotten around to check it out yet.”

“Thank you very much,” Remus answered and headed the way he had been pointed. His feet carried him the way across the castle without much thinking about it; he still knew his ways around the castle by heart. There was no Boggart in the broom closet, but Remus got rid of a few pixies that had infested the room. It was never wrong to try and get the staff on his good side and as he was already there. He headed back to Filch’s office, afterwards but the caretaker was nowhere to be found, so Remus wandered the halls on his own in search of a Boggart. It took him two days to find and catch one, which was just as much time as he had before the agreed-upon meeting time.

Harry was waiting for him in the classroom, apparently equal parts nervous and excited for the lesson to start. Remus probably felt very similar. He was looking forward to this, because it would help Harry and also because his pure existence was soothing, even though it brought its own kind of ache with it. He was also dreading it, though because it would be hard. The Patronus charm was very advanced and it would not be easy for Harry to get the hang of this. Also, watching someone else experiencing a confrontation with their worst fear was almost worse than experiencing it yourself.

After Harry’s first try it became apparent to Remus that he had indeed underestimated the severity of the pain it would cause him to just stand by. Harry was able to hear what had happened the night of his parents’ death when faced with a Dementor. He was able to hear Lily screaming. He was able to hear Voldemort. He was able to hear James. It broke Remus’ heart and he could not control his reaction in a way that didn’t make it blatantly obvious to Harry that he had known Lily and James. So, at last, this was not a secret anymore. They talked about it, shortly, Remus not willing to dive into the topic and Harry not focused enough to ask questions.

Remus ended the lesson after Harry’s third attempt. They boy wanted to go again, but Remus was able to see it would help neither of them to do this up until they were totally exhausted. It had been a good start. There had been a glimmer of a Patronus when Harry tried for the third time and it was enough to show the enormous talent the boy had inherited from both of his parents.

Remus sent him off to bed with another chunk of chocolate and started to pack together his things, when Harry asked about Sirius, if Remus had known him. He was unable to fake indifference. He was unable to control his reaction when a jolt of pain and shame stroke through his body. But apparently Harry had only asked, because he knew Sirius and his parents had gone to school together. So, of course, Remus had to know him as well. Some of the tension left Remus’ body.

“Yes, I knew him. Or I thought I did,” he answered Harry’s question, then sending him off. He hoped his reaction had not been too suspicious. He hoped Harry wouldn’t ask about Sirius again.

Harry did not ask again. They met once every week and Harry was doing great and the topic of Sirius did not come up again for a few sessions until the day the Daily Prophet had run as title story _SIRIUS BLACK ABOUT TO BE KISSED UPON ARREST_. It had not been a surprise – really. It still was a shock though. It stayed on Remus’ mind for the rest of the day and he’d been pushing it to the back of his mind for the lesson with Harry up until the end when Harry began asking questions about the Dementors. Remus told him about the kiss and he could not help but tell Harry about the news as well. He was not sure if Harry read the newspaper, not many of the younger students did, but he had probably heard about it.

Remus had _not_ expected Harry to think that Sirius deserved the kiss; however he had been prepared enough to not let his smile falter or his voice change, when he asked for the reasons. Harry did not give him a clear answer but it seemed he knew more than he let show about what had happened between Sirius and James. However, if he truly did, would he not ask Remus about it? Whatever the reason was, Remus did not want to pressure Harry and also, his mind was boggled with what the boy had said at this point already. So they said good bye and Remus was left with questions to be asked and answers he wished he did not have been given.

***

Time was fleeing and shortly after Gryffindor won the match against Ravenclaw and Harry got to show in practice what he had learned in the lessons with Remus. A group of Slytherin students had tried to scare Harry, so he would not catch the snitch in the game by dressing up as Dementors. It was a disgrace. Professor McGonagall had been furious and so had been Severus. The three boys from his house were punished hard. Their behavior had sullied the good name. Those were Severus words. Remus found the punishment in form of their plan backfiring and Harry’s Patronus scaring them half to death almost enough. His mood was light, Harry had learnt a lot in the short time of their lessons and he had been fit enough to apply his new knowledge when he needed it. It was a good day – until it wasn’t.

Remus was woken up ungently by a house elf shaking his shoulder. He had fallen asleep at his desk and his neck was telling him he had better lied down hours before but every thought of sleep was gone, when the elf told him that Sirius had been in the castle again.

“Mr. Black has broken into the Gryffindor tower, sir,” the little elf told him urgently, “he was seen by a student, who screamed bloody murder when he saw him. He fled. You are needed to search for him, sir.” The elf spoke very fast and he was pulling Remus with him by his hand towards the hallway where the entry to Gryffindor tower was. Professor Dumbledore was there, coordinating search parties. To Remus’ relief Severus had apparently been sent off already with someone else. Professor McGonagall was in the tower, taking care of her students. The Gryffindors were all awake, there was chatter audible in the hallway.

“Professor Lupin, will you accompany Professor Flitwick to search the southern wings, please?” Remus nodded, heading off with his colleague. They worked fast but thorough yet finding nothing. Flitwick trusted Remus more than Severus did and though he double-checked, he also insisted on Remus doing the same. It was routine, not doubt.

Again, Remus was equal parts relieved and concerned, that Sirius had not been found by the end of their search. He was still unsure how he would handle a confrontation and he feared Sirius being caught because of what awaited him. Remus wouldn’t wish the Dementor’s kiss on anybody. Still, it was scary that he was apparently able to break into Hogwarts twice without being found. It let a knot of guilt build inside Remus’ insides.

He had the theory that Sirius evasiveness of the search parties looking for him was due to his ability to transform into a big black dog. Nobody alive, except for Remus, knew about Sirius being an Animagus and Remus was fighting with himself whether or not to tell Dumbledore. By now he had kept it a secret for too long to just bring it up in conversation and he did not want it to seem like he kept it from the headmaster for any dangerous reason. He was scared what Dumbledore would think of him for lying. And he excused his behavior in front of himself that even though nobody knew that it would be Sirius, if anybody had noticed a big black dog suddenly coursing the school grounds, it would be reported and Remus would know about it. It was not a good excuse, but it was enough to help him push the topic far away into a back corner of his mind.

Security measures were strengthened again after this night. So were Severus’ attempts to find anything suspicious in Remus behavior.

Ronald Weasley had been the student who had seen Sirius in his and Harry’s bedroom and he was asked to tell his story again and again in the days after the incident. His rise in the student body’s popularity was paralleled by the dishonoring of Neville Longbottom. Neville had apparently, because he was forgetful, written down the passwords for the tower in an attempt not to be locked out as Sir Cadogan had been changing up the password way more frequently than the Fat Lady had. He had lost the note. Sir Cadogan had let Sirius in, because he had known the password. It was a worst case scenario having come true and Neville was now a pariah. The students were making fun of him; the teachers were all either disappointed or furious. Hermione and Harry were the only students who stood up for Neville but their efforts were in vain, especially after there had been a howler sent to him by his grandmother.

Remus found him hiding in a third floor hallway one day, when he was walking off the very exhausting lesson he just had with the fifth year students. (The Weasley twins were in this class and while they were a constant source of wonder and amusement, they were also prone to chaos. They reminded Remus of James and Sirius in the best way possible.) He heard someone sniffling further down the hall and sitting on one of the window sills he found Neville Longbottom. His eyes were read, cheeks wet with tears and he looked ashamed when he became aware of Remus’ presence.

“Sorry,” he said, hiccupping, trying to recompose himself. Remus could not help but feel sympathetic with the boy. He did not look as much like his parents as Harry did, but there were still similarities, little things that reminded Remus of Alice and Frank.

“There’s no need to apologize, Neville,” he told him with a smile.

“It does,” Neville said weakly, not meeting Remus’ eyes, “all I do is apologize, because I’m always doing everything wrong.”

“I am sure this is not true, Neville,” Remus responded and when there was no answer but a shrug he went on, “Everybody makes mistakes and be sure, this will blow over soon enough.”

“Everybody hates me. I disappointed everyone and that’s not even something new. My grandma always tells me that I am in no way like my father and that I shall not disappoint them but now she probably has to tell him that I am the worst son he could have gotten and…” Neville was entering a rambling stage, tears welling up in his eyes again and Remus intersected, before he could work himself into a frenzy.

“I am sure your father would not think like that, even if he had been the one to send the howler,” Remus assured the boy, “Did you know, that I went to school with your parents?” This made Neville finally look up at him. He shook his head. “They were both a bit older than me, but when I became a prefect, so did your mother and your father I knew, because we both played in the Gryffindor chess team. They sent me a picture of you the week you were born and they were so happy. I am sure they love you no matter what and this slip-up of yours does not change anything.”

“Do you…do you know about them?” Neville asked quietly. There were no more tears in his eyes, but he still looked sad.

“Yes, I know. If you want to talk about it, I am here for you.” Neville did not look appalled to the idea, but he watched his surroundings warily, suddenly very aware of where he was, “would you like to come back to my office for a cup of tea? I might also still have some Christmas cookies.” Neville nodded and smiled a little. So they went.

Remus could not stop thinking about their conversation for the next few days. Neville was a good boy, maybe a mediocre student, but academic skills were nothing to judge someone by, especially when they were so young. In fact, Neville was mostly interested in plants and Herbology was his best subject, he excelled in this area of expertise. He had been really excitedly telling Remus about a sort of cacti that has blossoms that glow in the dark. It was a whole experience, watching Neville talk with so much passion and so little inhibitions. Remus made the plan to write to Augusta Longbottom soon. Surely someone had to tell her from time to time to be proud of the boy she had raised, the boy Neville had become despite what had happened to his parents. While both of them had been Aurors, Remus was very sure they would not have wanted their son to follow in their footsteps. Those were some footsteps that were way too large to fill. They had wanted him happy and doing something he was passionate about. So, plants. It was a joy to have been able to lift Neville’s mood up, and if it had only been the cookies painting a smile on his face before he left Remus’ office it would have been quite enough.

The following weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend and Neville had promised Remus that he would eat chocolate for breakfast – well, not only but also chocolate – because the Dementors’ influence got stronger off school grounds and Neville was by condition prone to be effected by their aura. Remus spent the weekend in his office, correcting tests and drafting exam questions – he wanted the exams of his students to be mostly applied, but for the sixth years for example it was obligatory to have theoretical questions. The fifth and seventh years had to do the Ministry-approved exams that Remus had only little influence in shaping. He had been asked to send in some ideas for questions and tasks and was thinking of writing a list, when the fire in his chimney started to crackle and Severus voice summoned him.

With a sigh, Remus closed his ink bottle and stepped into his fire place, throwing a bit of floo powder in. When he stepped out into Severus’ office there was a picture to be seen. On Severus desk there was a bunch of sweets and other goods that had unquestionable similarity to what a thirteen year old sweet tooth would buy on a trip to Hogsmeade. Next to it, with a passionately angry expression on his face, eyes fixed on Severus’ stern mask of disapproval stood Harry Potter who had been unquestionably forbidden to leave the school grounds.

But, and this was way more important than the sweets and Zonko’s stuff that had been obviously laid out by Harry, the boy had apparently also been in the possession of something Remus had not seen for a very long time. Actually, he could remember in all detail that it should have been destroyed years ago by a caretaker who had probably never gotten the hang of _how_ to destroy it properly.

Severus handed Remus the map with a scowl that transported not only disapproval but also smugness. He wanted to see Remus squirm and Remus had to hold himself together tightly not to give Snape any satisfaction. He described what Harry had acquired here as if he wasn’t aware who the Marauders were and he challenged Remus to do the same, to lie like this spontaneously and directly in Harry’s face.

It was hard. Remus had been trained in keeping a straight face by the secret he had been keeping for almost all of the life he could remember, but he also felt a well inside of him open up at the sight of this map and the memory of its history. Fortunately for him he was rescued from this situation shortly after by Ron Weasley storming into Severus’ office to explain it away. His excuse was definitely made up but Remus took the chance and decided to grant him the benefit of the doubt in front of Severus. He would clearly not want to get into this fight in front of especially these two students, so Remus took the offering the world was giving him and took the boys and the map away with him, leaving a stunned and probably fuming Snape behind.

However now he was in the situation to scold Harry. He had to. The boy had risked his life for chocolate frogs and Zonko’s. He had done exactly what his father would have done and it had been reckless and irresponsible and Remus was hurt by the danger it had been to Harry, retrospectively worried and scared. It was a chaos, what he was feeling right now, and it mixed with the feelings the sight of the old parchment had summoned and it was loss and anger and disappointment and worry and fear and too much to handle without working himself up.

Remus had to keep a straight face though. He had to tell Harry off. He had to make clear the severity of the situation to him. He had to be cruel and unkind to do so and he felt all the pain he inflicted, mirrored in his own mind. It was brutal and after he had left Harry alone with his friend he went back to his room, ignored the desk and the work, instead cuddling himself into his bed, trying to get as comfortable as possible and trying to think of nothing, to soothe the pain.

It did not work, not really. He fell asleep and admittedly he had not fallen asleep in a position this comfortable for a few days but there was nothing else that was good about the nap he took. He dreamt of Sirius. It was a nightmare and it wasn’t, for all the wrong reasons.

Remus was a wolf in his dream. This happened quite frequently. When he was a kid a healer had explained to him that the wolf persona of a werewolf would try to interact with the human persona through subconscious messages, if there was too much stress inflicted on one or both of them. This mostly happened through dreams and it did not influence his consciousness in any other way than that. Wolf-Remus was running the woods and there was something, no someone, with him. A big black dog that looked grim, a real beast, but equipped with human eyes. He was dangerous, Remus could sense. He was a threat. And wolves did not take threats well. Wolves fought, if there was a threat. So he fought the dog. And all went to hell. The fight was bloody, brutal. With every bite and every wound inflicted upon his opponent Remus seemed to rip open his own flesh as well. He wanted to die. He did not want to hurt the dog. He seemed to come alive as a human again, his human mind taking over his wolf body. He wanted to surrender. He did. Then he woke up.

Remus sat up like somebody had emptied a bucket of ice water over his head. It was dark outside now. He had probably missed dinner. It was the least of his problems when the nightmare from just a few minutes ago was still so fresh in his mind. The pictures painted so realistically on the insides of his eyelids. He was not sure how much of what he had seen in his dream had been just that – a dream – and how much had been deformed memories. There had been a time when Remus had run the woods with a big black dog accompanying him. And there had been fights between them. On rare occasions when there had been human beings near the woods his wolf persona had tried to get to them. His friends had been obliged to hold him back. It had always worked, because at some point wolf-Remus had been forced to give up, overpowered by a stag and a dog.

There had, however, never been a moment that Remus’ human mind had been in control of his wolf body. His two minds and two physical forms were not interchangeable. That was just not how it worked outside of dreams. Outside of a dream, wolf Remus would have tried to kill every attacker. He probably _would have_ killed every attacker. No matter how much this person would have meant to human Remus. And so, the dream only proved what Remus known any way. The worst pain, Remus always inflicted on himself.

***

Soon enough the Easter holidays came around and while all the students were grumbling with how much homework and learning they had to do Remus was just as laden with work as they were. He was busy with corrections and preparations of past and future tests and lessons and the Easter break gave Remus the chance to do all of this in one go, so that he would be prepared for when he might be unable to work again due to the moon.

In his free time Remus got into a habit of wandering the grounds. The weather was good, it got warmer every day and the plants were starting to wake up from their winter dormancy. The giant squid showed itself frequently, apparently begging for some attention after the long winter that had hindered everyone from hanging around at the lake. Remus saw it three times in one day, which probably also meant that he himself was spending too much time at the lake. He knew he did.

When he had been a student the lake had been _the_ place to go with your significant other and it probably still would be if it had not been for the prohibition of leaving the castle without supervision. The threat of Sirius attempting to break into the school was looming over everything. It was depressing. Not only for Remus for his very own personal reasons but also for the whole student body. The students had probably been looking forward to spending the days at the lake when the weather was good and now they could not. Remus knew – from unnamed sources – that it was a Hufflepuff tradition to go skinny dipping in the lake in one’s last year of Hogwarts. This would probably not happen this year due to the level of surveillance the threat of Sirius had caused.

It was kind of ironic that Sirius of all people was the one to hinder such a fun and highly forbidden activity. He would have enjoyed students sneaking around in the dead of the night to go swimming in the lake nakedly. If he knew he would probably be shocked that this was not a Gryffindor but a Hufflepuff tradition. Remus had been and he had known some rowdy Hufflepuffs back in the day. Though, Remus was not sure exactly how long this tradition had been in place. He was thinking back to his days – well, more honestly, his nights that he had spent as a wolf and how dangerous it was to leave the school grounds in the nighttime for any one at any time. No matter if there was a mass murderer on the loose or just a werewolf no one knew about.

In hindsight it had been ridiculously dangerous of Dumbledore to ever accept Remus as a student and to arrange his stays at the Shrieking Shackle. It had been even worse what Remus, Sirius, James and Peter had done. Of course, everything had always went well – or well enough not to be found out – but still, there had apparently been more lives at risk than Remus had ever known and it was his fault. It was still his responsibility and all he could think of when his mind stumbled upon the topic was, that he still did not want to own up to it. It was just him who was left. With James and Peter dead and Sirius being a fugitive of the law it was Remus alone who would be held responsible, Remus alone would feel all of the disappointment and anger and whatever Professor Dumbledore and McGonagall would be feeling. It would smash every chance Remus might possibly have to stay at the school for longer than one year. And really, it did not hurt anyone to keep this a secret, did it? Remus already had a scattered past, he did not need to ruin his future as well.

There was a fight on his conscious and no way to get past it without making a clear decision. Would he go on with the lie – well, the secret-keeping – or would he come clean about Sirius being an Animagus? His brain was computing every aspect of this question, which also was a sign, that there was not much else to worry about which was good. It was a nice change not worrying about Harry every second.

The surveillance of the boy was getting taken care of by literally every other Gryffindor right now, so the teachers had a break to take a deep breath, before going back to their jobs. The Quidditch finale was about to happen – Gryffindor vs. Slytherin, of course – and the teams were known for their pettiness – especially the Slytherins. So, all of the Gryffindors and even some students from other houses were keeping an eye on Harry, who – as the seeker and a generally threatened boy – spent none of his time alone any more. He did not seem to mind all that much.

The game took place one week after the Easter holidays with just a few weeks left before there were the final exams. The whole school was buzzing with excitement – even the students who were not generally interested in Quidditch were not able to escape the nervousness of the day. The stadium was fuller than full, bursting with songs of the fans. It was one of these days that seemed to scream for a disaster to happen. Yet, it didn’t.

Everything went exceptionally well, at least for Gryffindor. They won the Quidditch cup for the first time in about a decade, Professor McGonagall looked like she was about to explode from pride. Severus looked more miserable than usual. He had never liked the wizard sport, but he clearly cared for the fact that his house had been beaten like this for the first time in years. It was glorious.

After the big game, exams approached fast. Faster than Remus had anticipated, even though he could remember that it had felt just like that when he had been a student. It was crazy, how fast the time had gone by, how long it had been since he had come back to Hogwarts. He felt as if he had only arrived yesterday, as if his first lesson as a teacher he had only given this morning. But he had little time to dwell in nostalgia and memories. There were exams to be held, essays to be corrected. Remus was not one to wait until labor piled up, so he sat down after every day of exams and started to grade his students. Most of the tests he had prepared were practical and the grades were pretty much self-evident and given directly. Some exams, though, required theoretical work, that had to be read and graded.

To Remus’ disadvantage the week of the exams fell together with the week of the full moon and he lost a lot of his energy to the Wolfsbane. He probably looked worse than he had in a long time, with the stress and the influence of the potion he was sometimes unable to even touch a meal, no matter how tasty it smelled or looked like. He noticed Professor McGonagall shooting him concerned looks over dinner but she was just as busy as he was and did not say anything about it. He tried to down some of the food, then, for her sake.

In this week, Remus constant delight was an essay that had been handed in by one of his second-year students, a bright Ravenclaw by the name of Luna Lovegood. She was the daughter of the editor of the Quibbler, the only newspaper in the British wizarding society that was appropriately crazy and by that quality journalism. Luna was clearly influenced by what her father wrote in his magazine, but this was not inherently bad. She was seen as an odd one out in her form, some even called her ‘Loony’ instead of Luna.

The first time Remus had heard this he had instantly felt sympathy for her. He had spent years of his life as an outsider and Hogwarts had been his chance to flee this conviction, given to him by his condition. But Luna did not even seem to mind that much. She just smiled serenely when someone called her weird and kept by her way. It was admirable.

The essay Luna had handed in for the final test was just as odd as one would expect from her. One of the questions had been, ‘What is the most dangerous creature or beast you have learned about this year? Please explain your answer.’ Luna had answered, that the most dangerous things were what people never learnt about: ‘ _The unknown is the most dangerous to all of humankind and especially, it seems, to the wizarding community. It is the fear of the unknown, fear of_ the others _that cause much of the trouble anyone has ever had. So, while the Ministry sorts danger into categories according to numbers of killings per beings what they should really do is sort their dangerousness by the lack of understanding we have for these beings._ ’

The tone of the essay made it seem as if Luna’s soul and mind were those of an old and wise person, just set into the body of a young witch. It showed so much understanding of the basic human nature. Remus awarded her wits with an Outstanding and also with a very long comment he just couldn’t keep to himself. He was intrigued by Luna. He hoped he would be able to know her and the person she would grow into being. He also vowed to himself to take the Quibbler more seriously from now on. Whoever had raised this beautiful and sharp mind could not possibly be as mad as their reputation.

Before Remus knew it the Thursday came around and with it the last day of exams, for him at least. As this day would end in the night of the full moon all of the exams Remus had to supervise had been set for the days before. His last exam was his third-years. He had worked hard beforehand to set up a parcour course for them. They had to follow a path around the room where they would run into some of the beings they had handled in their lessons. He had much fun watching them succeed – and most of them did better than they had expected themselves.

Afterwards Remus headed for lunch and he actually was able to eat something. The day had been better than most before, maybe it was the prospect of leaving the stress of the exams behind soon. While there was still a lot of tension in the student body, everyone knew that this stressful week would soon be over and make way for the summer holidays. Almost everyone was looking forward to that, but Remus wasn’t.

He could clearly remember that he had never been all too keen for the holidays when he was a boy either, especially after his fifth year at Hogwarts. Not, because there was something bad about spending the summer months with his parents. He loved his parents, he always had and he had also always known that he was loved. Still, going home for the summer had also meant that he would be alone most of the time and especially in the nights. Fifth year had been when he had stopped being a lone wolf at full moon. There had been people to keep him company, he had not dreaded these nights as much as before. But at his parents place full moon nights remained the same – he locked himself into one of the basement rooms and transitioned there. He always woke up with bruises and scratches and the knowledge that there were better alternatives.

After sixth year he had dreaded going home even more. Sirius and him had been a couple by then and he had missed him more than anyone ever before. It was cruel, what he did to himself that summer in the full moon nights. Once, Sirius had even been in the same house, up two flights of stairs from where wolf Remus was hurting himself, there had been a black dog Animagus trying to somehow radiate his company towards the cellar. It had only helped weakly. But there would have been no way for Remus to have burdened his parents with another secret – a secret Animagus at that, something that was not only a taboo but illegal. It was the biggest secret he had ever kept from his parents, it still was. And all for someone who, in hindsight, did not deserve the trouble. He had not even deserved Remus’ love but, as Remus had learnt from a very young age, love was nothing someone had to earn. It was something given freely by those who can. And Remus could. He had so much love. Unfortunately it was almost all spent on dead friends and an ex-boyfriend he sometimes wished to be dead.

***

After lunch, Remus retreated to his rooms and even though he had originally planned to continue grading his fourth years’ essays, he fell into his bed almost involuntarily. He slept for the good part of the afternoon, only waking up when it was almost time to head down for dinner. He didn’t. Instead he asked the house elves if they would prepare him something for a spare supper, he knew he would not be able to eat much, the moon phase was already taking its toll on him and he did not feel like throwing up.

An elf brought him some bread and cheese and a raisin muffin – the elves knew they were his favorite and he felt so thankful for their existence and their compassion he might have scared the elf with the level of gratitude he showed – that Remus nibbled on while sitting on his desk and ignoring the essays in favor of looking at the Marauders map.

He could remember the time they had spent creating this map. He remembered the nightly excursions and the sneaking around beneath James’ Invisibility Cloak. He remembered the many, many attempts it had taken to strengthen the parchment, so it would be able to hold all the spells the map entailed.

Remus also remembered the discussion between Peter and Sirius regarding the hex that would insult Severus, should he ever find it. It had, of course, been Sirius idea, but had gained him favor and instant support from James. Remus had been infatuated by Sirius at the time and apart from that he had simply not cared. Peter, though, had always been the most sensitive towards Severus, even though he had seldom shown it. Peter had always been the one in their group of friends who had depended most obviously on the opinion of the others. Of course, they had all in some way depended on each other, but James and Sirius had never really shown it, except they were drunk on alcohol or feelings. But Remus could remember people outside of their friend group asking about Peter, if he was only a part of their group for the pure (in)convenience of sharing the bedroom with them. It was insulting. Peter belonged to them, they belonged together and their bonds had always been strong until they had not. Now, the only connection left were memories and the fact that Remus still loved all of them.

In hindsight, Peter had not been wrong. It would have been a good idea not to make the map curse out Severus. But who could have been able to foresee what had happened in the last 15 years? Now, the fact that the map had been antagonizing Severus added to the facts that it showed their old nicknames and that Severus had found it with Harry. It all had led to another surge of hostility towards Remus. In the last few days, whenever Severus had been over to bring Remus the Wolfsbane, he had been scanning Remus’ office for it. But he had not said anything about it. So Remus had done neither.

After a while of chewing and swallowing his food more out of the duty to keep his body nourished than out of hunger or appetite, Remus put away the tray the elf had brought him. Underneath, he found he had missed a letter that must have arrived earlier. It was from Hagrid, informing him that he had lost the appeal for the life of his hippogriff.

Remus felt instantly bad. He had totally forgotten about this. The letter said, ‘ _I know you can’t come down. Don’t worry about me. Dumbledore will_ _be here. Just wanted you to know.’_ It had been a long time since Remus had cursed the moon for its sole existence with such intent. Not being able to be there for Hagrid was worse than having to transform into a wolf tonight. Remus had only about three living friends and two of them were in St. Mungus for the rest of their lives, because they had been tortured out of their minds. He wanted to be there for Hagrid, he just plain couldn’t.

He decided to head over to Hagrid as soon as he was able to, and to take the fire whisky with him that he had stashed in the cupboard for occasions that called for it (it had been his mother’s idea and he had been wondering for a while which kind of occasions she had in mind but now it was just convenient to have it). In the meantime Remus watched Hagrid’s dot on the map, he was standing in his garden, where the pumpkin patches were, probably taking care of his hippogriff. It was a shame. Hippogriffs were very intelligent creatures and they were not dangerous if taken care of in the right way. This execution process was a farce, just a power play of the Malfoy family that Hagrid and Buckbeak had unfortunately been caught in.

Remus’ gaze shifted over the map towards the castle. Dumbledore was in his office, walking up and down between his desk and the window, his dot moved in a steady pace until there were other dots added to his. Professor McGonagall seemed to be accompanying Minister Fudge to the office, as her dot left after a short while, but Fudge stayed with Dumbledore. He was probably there to talk to the headmaster about the Sirius situation, he was frequently checking on Harry and the safety measures the school and staff had taken. Dumbledore was clearly annoyed by the Minister’s attempts to take control of the situation. Apparently, every time he was there he tried to convince Dumbledore to give the Dementors more leeway around the school.

Remus was distracted from his thoughts about the Minister, when he saw dots moving across the grounds. Outside the sun had begun setting and nobody should be crossing the grounds in the darkness if it was not absolutely necessary. Remus got even more worried, when he saw _who_ was crossing the lawn towards Hagrid’s cabin: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. They had probably heard about Buckbeak’s execution and were on their way to Hagrid to show him their support and compassion and while their intention was clearly admirable and honorable, it was just plain stupid what they were doing.

Remus watched their dots nearing the cabin and then Hagrid letting them in. They were safe for now, but Remus had already decided he would go and get them back to the castle. It was reckless of them to head out in this way – they were probably using James’ Invisibility Coat, Remus knew from Dumbledore that it was in Harry’s possession since his first Christmas in Hogwarts – and he would not allow them to take this risk twice in one night. There was just the problem of the full moon. Remus would have to be quick to get them back into the castle in time to take his Wolfsbane tonight, before the moon rise. But any other option was less preferable and more complicated.

He could, of course, ask another teacher for help. Professor McGonagall would help him with only few questions asked but even these few questions could be too much. Professor Dumbledore would undoubtedly act the same. No, it had to be Remus, right? He looked at the map again, wanting to check if the children were still with Hagrid. They were, but there was also another person in the cabin and reading their name stunned Remus in momentarily stillness.

_Peter Pettigrew._

***

After a moment of paralyzing shock, Remus’ body sprung into action. He left his desk to gear up. He threw over his coat, slipped into his boots and fastened his watch around his wrist. He had to be back in the castle in time, but he also could not stay right now. He had to check this.

Peter. Peter Pettigrew. He was supposed to be dead. He was supposed to have been killed by Sirius over thirteen years ago. Remus had trouble believing his eyes, but as one of the creators of this map he knew – he was undoubtedly, a hundred percent, sure – it could not lie. And now, he had to know. He had to know how this had happened.

He stepped towards his desk again, looking for their names. The three kids had left Hagrid’s hut, Peter accompanied them – how did they know him? Why did they let him accompany him? Wasn’t he a total stranger to them? – and then there was another dot crossing lines with them. ‘Crookshanks’, it read and Remus seemed to remember that this was the name of Hermione’s cat. Upon Crookshanks’ arrival there seemed to be a struggle in the group of people then Peter’s dot darted out of the group, away from them. The cat followed suit, then Ron went after the two.

He must be in his rat form, Remus thought, if the cat chases him like that. Dozens of questions formed in Remus’ mind, but he could not even begin to think of answers, when he saw Harry and Hermione had followed the others and were now close to the Whomping Willow. Did they not know how dangerous this was? Apparently they didn’t. But there was also a way bigger problem. Remus saw another dot entering the mess he saw on the map. This one was marked as _Sirius Black_.

For a moment Remus’ mind was blank. He watched in bewilderment and disbelief as Sirius’ dot collided with Harry’s and then – leaving Harry alone – tackled Ron. Then, there were three dots moving in sync – Sirius, Ron and Peter. They were moving towards the Whomping Willow and Remus knew instantly what he had to do. Without further thought he darted out of his office, heading towards the mess he had just watched.

It took Remus not more than five minutes to leave the castle and head down to the Whomping Willow. He remembered the way as if it had been yesterday that he had last used the secret passageway. He activated the knot on the tree trunk using a stick he found lying on the grass and climbed down into the walkway. The nearer he got to the Shrieking Shackle the more his nerves began to sizzle with fear and excitement. There was so much he did not understand about what was happening right then, but in the back of his mind there was the certainty that after this night he would probably have one of his best friends back in his life. Maybe even his love.

Entering the Shackle he did not care for how much noises he made. He heard voices from upstairs – was that Hermione screaming? – and he tried to prepare himself for what he would be walking into. A quick spell revealed that the door to the bedroom was blocked by a jinx. It took Remus bare seconds to break the barrier and the door opened with so much force it startled all the people inside. Ron was sitting on the floor besides the bed – apparently his leg was hurt, maybe broken, his face was pale and looked upon the situation in front of him in horror. Hermione was closest to the door, curled together in fear, watching Harry, who was standing above Sirius, who was held down by Hermione’s cat.

Sirius, who looked nothing like he had. It was not like Remus could not have been prepared to see that. The latest pictures that existed of Sirius all showed the man he became in Azkaban. His hair was felted, longer than ever before, his beard grown wildly. He was so thin; he almost looked like a skeleton. He had been looking up at Harry, but now his eyes fixed on Remus as if he was seeing a ghost – as if he couldn’t believe that Remus was there. After what seemed like nothing more than a heartbeat, Sirius’ gaze flickered back to Harry and Remus saw why; the boy was pointing his wand at him. Remus acted without thinking, disarming Harry.

The tension in Sirius body reduced instantly, while the children were gaping at Remus. He had no explanation for them, not yet. First he had to know the truth, he had to know for sure what his brain had been constructing since the second he had seen the name _Peter Pettigrew_ on the map. “Where is he, Sirius?”

Sirius seemed unable to talk. But he did understand Remus. He raised his hand, pointing at Ron. Remus’ gaze fell on the redheaded boy, who looked baffled and opposed. But Remus saw, what Sirius meant. Ron was holding something, a small animal. The rat seemed to stare back at Remus for a short while and then Remus’ gaze snapped back to Sirius, who was looking at him as well.

The gears in Remus’ head were turning and slowly he began to understand. If Peter was still alive, but did not want anyone to know about it…this could only have one reason. Remus’ mind struggled to accept the idea for a moment – this was what he had been hoping for for more than twelve years: An explanation that exonerated Sirius. And now that it presented itself he was scared that it was another cruel lie. And if it wasn’t, he was scared what this meant. It meant Sirius had been innocently incarcerated for twelve years. It meant all the hate Remus had tried to feel towards Sirius and all the hate he had actually felts towards himself had been faulty. The last twelve years had been torturous for _no reason.  
_

Remus tried to verbalize his thoughts; he wanted to know if what his mind made of the situation was the truth. He needed the confirmation that this was true. That it had not been Sirius who had betrayed Lily and James. That it was alright to love him still. That everything would be alright in the end, because they would be fighting together again. They would be able to be together again. Remus looked at Sirius, stuttering out his thoughts and meanwhile trying to send all his questions to him via his gaze. He tried to read in Sirius eyes if there was the same hope planted in his mind. And Sirius nodded.

Remus felt a wave of hope and relief and love hit him. He could not talk anymore right then and there. He just needed to touch Sirius, he needed him close; he needed to know him safe, to know him with himself. Remus pulled Sirius up from where he had been cowering on the floor and he didn’t care for the state of Sirius’ clothing and his hygiene for the moment. He only cared for having him back. He tried to pour all of his love into the hug and he felt Sirius do it too. It was a tight hug, one that tried to overcome the distance of twelve years and lingering feelings of any sort. Remus could have stood there forever with Sirius finally in his arms again. He had almost forgotten about the children, until Hermione started to scream at him.

She was fierce and she was so mad at him. She didn’t understand and Remus could not blame her. He let Sirius go, facing her instead, trying to calm her down but she was talking herself into a rage and soon she had aggravated Harry, so he screamed at him as well and then she had let the cat out of the bag; accusing him of working with Sirius and wanting Harry dead and being a werewolf. Remus had been pretty sure, that she had known about his secret, even before this night. She was clever; she had put together the clues. But she had only understood what she had been able to study.

He was still trying to calm her down – and also calm down Harry and Ron, who were now looking at him with fear in their eyes. It hurt. Knowing they were scared of him made him feel monstrous. These boys who had looked up to him the last few months, they were now looking at him as if he was…he couldn’t think about hit. He could not let himself go there. It was a bad place, where these thoughts were heading.

So, instead Remus looked for Sirius. He was sitting at the edge of the bed now, his face hidden in his hands, his hands were both shaking. Remus knew this sight, Sirius was processing. He wished he had time to do this with him, alone with him. He wished there was a way to just pick him up and leave. But instead he was screamed at by three teenagers who were scared of him and for their lives. He just needed them to understand. He needed them to let him explain. Everything could be good. There was hope. Remus just needed to make them listen. So he handed the three back their wands he still held in his hand. His own wand he put into his belt and fastened it.

He surrendered to Harry – he didn’t know if it was a subconscious decision of his human side or if it had been his wolf side that had suggested this, really – in hope to make them listen. At least they were not shouting any more. So he began to explain.

He started with what had happened earlier in the evening. How he had watched the map. How he had spotted first Peter’s name and then Sirius’. They did not believe him. He couldn’t blame them. So, he wanted to show them. He asked for the rat – ‘Scabbers’, Ron called him. Ron refused to hand over the pet unwaveringly. He didn’t understand. Remus only wanted to make him understand.

“That is not a rat,” Sirius finally spoke up. Remus head whipped around to him at the sound. His voice was strained, as if he had not used it in a very long time. It was barely recognizable for Remus, who had heard Sirius’ voice so often. Talking smoothly, grumbling lowly, when he was muttering about something, singing stupid songs from the radio, saying his name, whispering meaningless things to Remus…now it sounded constrained. It was just adding to the misery that was Sirius’ current state.

“He is a wizard,” Remus tried to explain and then Sirius spoke up again. They were explaining together now. It made Remus heart squeeze hopefully. It was a bittersweet ache that filled his chest.

“An Animagus by the name of Peter Pettigrew.”

***

The children didn’t believe him and Sirius. It really was not that surprising, but it still stressed Remus out. He needed them to see, he needed them to listen. But they just declared him and Sirius mad. With a side-glance at Sirius he was not certain if there was not a bit of truth to their accusations, but really, who would not seem a bit mad after twelve years in Azkaban? And Sirius did seem mad, but not dangerously so. He was in the mode Remus knew from their days back in school – totally focused on one thing, not able to see how incomprehensible his actions seemed to the people surrounding him.

It had always been a weakness of Sirius to explain himself properly before springing into action. He proved this again by launching himself towards Ron and his rat. Remus could barely hold him back. One second he was trying to tell the children that neither of them was mad and the next he was on the floor, struggling with Sirius, trying to convince him to _just let Remus explain, please._ He gave him a pleading look, he tried to transfer his calmness onto the other man by holding him steadily, he argued with him. Sirius was furious but he saw reason, Remus felt the tension leave his body as he adjusted to Remus’ touch. Then Remus pleaded with him to calm down. _Harry had to understand. Harry was James’ son, this was for James and for Lily and also for Harry. Harry who was still alive and there, watching Sirius and Remus struggle with each other. Harry needed to understand._ Sirius got this, finally, relaxing under Remus’ body.

“All right, Remus,” he said and Remus almost did not hear, what he said next, because his brain was just barely managing being able to hear Sirius say his name again. He had thought he would never hear it again. It was a different kind of heart ache than he had felt ever before. But he saw that Sirius was impatient – another one of his flaws. But really, Remus did not care about the impatience if he got back everything else Sirius was as well.

He turned to the children again to explain further. They did not look like they wanted to listen to him anymore. He had his wand in his hand again before he had even properly thought about it. If he had to force them to hear him out, this was the way it had to be. He surely hoped it would not be necessary though. For a very long minute it seemed that the situation was about to escalate into something nobody wanted, but then Hermione spoke up. She saved the day and Remus felt a huge surge of gratitude towards her need for logical explanations. She tried to argue with him, why his story was unbelievable. And she opened him the opportunity for proving her wrong.

He wanted to tell them the whole story – or at least most of it – and he saw Sirius sigh. This was not compatible with his impatience but he let Remus do. No matter how headstrong Sirius was, he used to let Remus have his way if he could sense that it was important. This right then was so important even the most oblivious person would have been able to notice it.

Suddenly, the door to the bedroom opened. All of them jumped, but when Remus looked outside, there was nothing to see. With so much on his mind, he did not think much of it, just closing the door again. But, it gave him a starting point for his story, when Ron declared the Shrieking Shackle to be obviously haunted. So, Remus told them the history behind the most-haunted building in all of Britain. He told them all about how he had been brought here by Madam Pomfrey every month for the night of the full moon. He told them how his friends had found out and _not left him behind._ How they instead had learned to become Animagi.

He told his story with the urge to make them understand and also with as much restraint he could put on himself not to cry. He was basically baring his soul to them, retelling the most important and emotional times of his adolescence. He was so thankful for the friends he did have but it also reminded him of the loss of James, the supposed loss of Peter and of the torment it had been to think of Sirius as the culprit of this tragedy. Remus felt the compulsion to look at Sirius but he feared what the sight of him would do to Remus. He could not let anything hinder him in making Harry and Ron and Hermione understand. If he could convince them of the truth then he could finally let himself believe that it was true, that it was obviously true that Sirius was not who he had been made out to be in the past few years but instead the man Remus had loved years ago. The man he still loved intensely, painfully, with all of his being.

He told them about the idea of them becoming Animagi, how they had succeeded, how everything had been kept a secret from the teachers so that they could roam the grounds together, about the nicknames. Hermione did not approve of them roaming the grounds, of course. She was so right. Remus had rarely ever met someone with such a good moral compass.

“You’re right,” he admitted. And he told them about his regrets as well. That they risked lives recklessly as adolescents. That he had kept the Animagi status of his friends a secret even after all these years. He ended by admitting – and it was painful to admit this – that Severus had been right about him in a way. This peaked Sirius’ interest and Remus was reminded that Sirius probably was not aware that Severus was a teacher in Hogwarts as well.

“He’s here, Sirius,” he told him and then he explained to Harry and his friends, that they had gone to school together with Severus and he tried to also explain the animosity between their potions teacher and the Marauders and Sirius scoffed, when Remus told them about the nasty prank Sirius had played on Snape.

“It served him right, the git,” Sirius said and Remus tried to intervene – “Sirius!” – but he was shut up by a gesture of impatience and the expression on Sirius’ face, “he wanted to out you, well, us. He told me he would tell Bellatrix and Narcissa and my brother, if I wouldn’t tell him what we were hiding and-”

“You never told me that,” Remus stated, staring at Sirius like he was seeing him in a new light, he was, really. He had always thought that Sirius had just thought it amusing to send Snape his way. He had been furious with him – he had not been able to keep that up very long, though – mostly, because he didn’t understand. Sirius had been sort of a git himself in their youth, but more charming than Snape. He had pulled pranks and made decision Remus could not always understand and did not always agree with. But sending Snape to the Shrieking Shackle had been cruelly dangerous – and Sirius was not usually cruel.

“So you…you told James about it yourself?” Remus asked and Sirius nodded. He obviously did not want to talk about it further, at least not right now. This was probably a good idea. The children were now gawking at them even more intensely. Remus was not sure, if telling them about their kind of relationship would help or harm their credibility. But now, it was said and it could not be taken back.

He explained what had happened the night that had ended with Severus having to promise Professor Dumbledore not to tell anyone about Remus. Thinking about Sirius revelation this had probably also entailed that Severus could not tell anyone about their relationship as well. Remus could imagine telling Professor McGonagall about his motives. He had been in so much trouble back then – of course he had – but in hindsight Remus wished he had known, so he would have been more understanding. He would not have shunned Sirius for a week. It was a week lost to unnecessary anger.

“So that’s why Snape doesn’t like you,” Harry stated and Remus wanted to say something, when another voice spoke up. Severus himself snarled from the corner of the room,

“That’s right,” and pulled James’ Invisibility Cloak off of himself.

***

For a moment Remus felt like laughing. Severus of all people! He just had to ruin everything, had he not? Snape talked himself into a tirade, blabbering about how he had found his way here and he was attacking Sirius and shushing Harry and Remus really, really had enough of him. He tried to intervene, tried to tell him to shut up and listen. Severus was ignorant, yes, but he had to listen eventually. He just had to give Remus a chance. He didn’t. Instead he showed off his grudge like it was something he was wearing proudly and when Remus asked him to consider overcoming it, he regretted it soon enough.

Snape cast an _Incarcerous_ on him, before he could react and he felt ropes slinging around his body. By the force of the ropes he lost his balance and fell to the floor, another rope gagging him, so he could not speak. Helpless, tied up, from the floor, he could see Sirius moving towards him, but Severus held him back. With his wand in Sirius’ face he dared him to move any further. So, Sirius stood back. He made eye contact with Remus but Remus doubted that his face could tell him anything.

Hermione tried to intervene, but trying to reason with Severus was as hopeless as their current situation. Sirius and he were staring at each other with so much hatred in their eyes as both could convey. Remus knew there was truth in both of their feelings; both were entitled to their own emotions, but so was Remus and right then and there he really, really despised Severus Snape. He knew as a teen he had not always done the right thing, he had not kept his friends from bullying Severus. But James and Sirius did have reasons beyond their own arrogance and their feeling of self-importance. Severus had stood for everything Sirius had rejected as a child and he had not been subtle about how much he despised him for it. Of course, this was not a good enough reason and not one Severus could have begun to understand, neither as a child nor now, in retrospect, even though he was an adult now and should be able to discern between his feelings and those of others. No, Severus was still cruel. He treated these children, who had never done anything to him, who were just trying to make him listen, like they were less than him. It was despicable.

Remus struggled against his ties, but it did not do any good. It just steered Sirius’ attention towards him and Remus saw his eye twitching. It was his thinking face; he was trying to figure out what to do, while Hermione was demanding Severus’ attention. He obviously did not find a solution soon enough. Severus was talking to him again, telling him he would be kissed by the Dementors when he was apprehended. Sirius’ low-key arrogant attitude – the one he had always held up in front of Severus – vanished. His face paled, his whole body language changed in an instant.

He had not known. He did not have any idea what had been looming over his head these past months. Of course, how could he have known? Still, obviously he was shocked and scared. The prospect of the dementor’s kiss would scare anyone, and Sirius had been in Azkaban for over a decade, so he probably had an even deeper knowledge of what this meant. It was a scary thought for Remus and he was not even directly affected by it. Sirius, though, Sirius was begging. Remus had never seen him look so desperate before this night. First, in front of Harry, who had been threatening him, then in front of Severus of all people? Severus was showing no relent. Instead, there was a spur of triumph visible on his features next to the hatred that was seemingly embedded into his expression when facing Sirius.

Severus was growing impatient, he wanted them to move. He talked about _dragging_ Remus, he mused that maybe he would be kissed as well, but Remus blocked him out of his mind. He was solely focused on Sirius, the expression on his face, the fear and the regret and the loss. Remus was sure that Sirius felt a similar loss of hope. This evening had been giving him hope, both of them probably. There had finally been an explanation as to what had happened the night of Lily and James’ death. There had finally been a chance for Remus life to take a turn towards the good. There had been the prospect of having Sirius back in his life, the prospect of being able to tell Harry about his parents, how much they had meant to Remus, without the lingering pain of having to talk about Sirius as well. And all this hope was shattering, because of Severus. Severus’ grudge, Severus’ ignorance, Severus’ hatred.

Severus turned towards the door, taking the ropes that held Remus down in one of his hands, in the other still the wand with which he was threatening Sirius. He wanted to leave. He wanted to end this; not only this evening, but Sirius’ life, maybe Remus’, too. Remus was sure, he would. But Harry stood up for them.

Remus felt so proud of Harry in this moment. They boy was not doing this for him and Sirius, Remus was sure about that. He had looked at Remus with fear and disgust when Hermione had told him about Remus’ lycanthropy, he had felt betrayed by Remus’ loyalty to Sirius, he did not understand – yet. But still, Harry’s hostility towards Snape was stronger. Standing up for justice was more important. Defending the honor of his father was more important, too. It reminded Remus of James in the most painfully good way. His eyes flickered towards Sirius and he saw the same expression in these grey eyes that he fathomed were visible in his own amber ones as well.

Harry and Severus shouted at each other for a short minute and then – Remus saw three charms thrown at Severus. He heard all of the kids shouting “Expelliarmus!” in unison. It was as if they had trained to do it in sync for just this occasion. Severus had not expected them to attack him. He was a good wizard, a good dueler even. Under other circumstances he would have shielded himself effectively without as much as blinking an eye. But right then, he had been stunned by the force of the three charms and fallen onto the bed next to him before anyone in the room had totally apprehended what had happened.

Sirius was the first to spring into action again. He kneeled down next to Remus and began to pick apart the ropes around Remus’ body. It was a struggle. Severus’ spells were seldom less than perfectly conducted. Sirius had to pick up Remus’ wand so he could cut the ropes magically. Remus really, really despised Severus in this moment. He was sure that Sirius felt similar in the moment. He was staring at the red lines the ropes had drawn into Remus’ flesh. Remus shrugged and gave him a small, thankful nod.

Both of them stood up and oh, how much Remus wished to be alone with Sirius. He wanted to take him home with him. His parents would listen. They would keep both of them safe. They would put meat on their bones again. Remus was sure some people would think him pathetic as he was longing for his parents. But he was mostly longing for the safety they stood for. The safety he wanted for Sirius and for himself.

The kids were all in their own kind of stupor. Hermione was obviously shocked with herself. She was talking to herself. Ron seemed mostly exhausted. Performing the spell had probably taken too much energy for his already weakened body to process. Harry was staring at Sirius and Remus as if he was trying to read their minds.

“Thank you, Harry,” he said, but the boy didn’t want to hear about it.

“This still doesn’t mean that I believe you,” he answered. Harry still wanted an explanation. But the fact that he was at least giving them a chance to explain themselves – it gave Remus hope.

“It’s time we offered you some proof, then,” Sirius stated and asked Ron to hand the rat – Peter over to him. Ron refused to. He held onto his pet as if his own life depended on it. His loyalty and protectiveness were without any doubt honorable but Sirius was not patient enough to reflect on that. Remus shot him a warning glance. If he was to do anything that only seemed dangerous to the kids, they would not give him and Remus the chance to explain anything. These three were as close as the marauders had been. They would stick up for each other no doubt. Sirius had to be careful not to scare them any more than he already had. They had to be willing to listen, so they could understand.

Ron knew his defense was crumbling. The conversation was going in circles. But he wanted to be convinced of anything fishy before he handed over the rat. Remus understood him. Also, the question he asked was something Remus had been wondering as well; how did Sirius know about Peter being there? Remus supported Ron’s question. Sirius looked at him and the impatience that had been featured on his face lessened slightly. He sighed silently but then, to everybody’s surprise Sirius fumbled something out of his pocket. He held it so that every one of them could see it. It was a picture that had been ripped out of the _Daily Prophet_ as it seemed. It showed the Weasley family in front of the pyramids of Gizeh. Remus recognized the parents Weasley from back in the days and those of the children he taught at school. Then, he focused on Ron. On his shoulder there was sitting a rat; a rat which sight was fairly familiar for Remus and one that was also missing a toe. It dawned on Remus and he vocalized his thoughts. Ron was staring at him incomprehensibly, so were Hermione and Harry. Sirius was watching everybody’s reaction hopefully, but Remus was the only one able to understand.

“Did he cut it off himself?” Remus asked and Sirius affirmed his suspicion. Peter had mutilated himself, then transformed into his Animagus form and fled the sight of the explosion he had caused, by this framing Sirius for the murder of all these innocent people, of Peter himself and of the betrayal of James and Lily. It had been a plan so clever and thought-through Remus was almost impressed. Peter Pettigrew who had always had trouble keeping up with James’ and Sirius’ plans had fooled the whole wizarding society into thinking Sirius a murderer and traitor. It would have been a good plot for a novel.

The children still did not seem to understand. They had probably never heard the story of Peter’s death. Or well, anything beyond the fact that he had died. So Remus explained to them; there had been no body left after the explosion. The biggest chunk of Peter that had been found was his pinky finger. It seemed to dawn on Hermione and Harry that Sirius and Remus were not totally crazy, that they _might have a point_. Ron though, was still holding onto the idea of Scabbers, the rat. Who could have blamed him, really? He had kept this rat dear, had taken care of it for years. He resisted the idea that it had all along been a human in rat form, he had been looking after. He tried to explain away the missing toe; he tried to explain the fearful behavior the rat showed right then and there with the presence of Crookshanks, calling the cat mad.

This seemed to trigger something in Sirius. He reached out for the cat, started to pet it. Apparently the both of them had befriended each other in the past few months. Crookshanks was really intelligent, according to Sirius and had been helping him get a hold of Peter. Hermione was shocked about these revelations even though it only meant her pet matched her well. Sirius and Crookshanks had apparently communicated intensely – Remus had not even known this was possible to an extent that the cat was able to tell dog-Sirius about the rat’s presumed death. It was crazy but not unbelievably so. “Well, faking his own death had worked once…,” Sirius ended his story showing off some of his signature sarcasm.

His words made Harry snap at him. Sirius flinched with every word but he could not deny that he wanted to kill Peter, had wanted to do so back then when he had not succeeded. But Harry _did not understand._ Remus tried to intervene, tried to explain to Harry, that he was assuming wrongly. That he had been told an official, yet deeply faulted version of what had happened – but Harry was just as stubborn as James had once been. When James had been convinced of something it had taken a lot to get him to think it over again, to see it from another perspective, to be open to alternatives. Harry was so convinced that Sirius had been the one who had betrayed his parents – and this was the only version he could have heard from anyone, as it was what everyone believed. Even Remus had believed it up until this night. Harry screamed at Sirius, accusing him of killing James and Lily and Remus saw the pain and guilt he knew from himself flash in Sirius’ eyes.

“Harry,” he said, “I as good as killed them.” Sirius was blaming himself, he believed it himself, that it had been his fault Lily and James had died, even though he had not been the one who had betrayed them. He had not even been their secret keeper. It had been Peter and nobody had known about it other than James, Lily, Peter and Sirius. Why had they not told anyone else? Him? Or Dumbledore? The assumed fact, that Sirius had been the Potters’ secret keeper had been the sole reason Sirius had been convicted in the first place. There had been no doubt he must have given the Potters up as only their secret keeper could have done it. But it had not been Sirius at all. Remus mind was spinning, but he needed to focus on the situation at hand. Sirius was suffering. He was trying to explain himself in front of Harry. He was trying to proof his innocence. He needed Harry to believe him, he needed this form of absolution, Remus knew it. And the easiest way to proof this was taking the goddamn rat and getting Peter to transform back into his human form. Remus felt something snapping inside of him.

“That’s enough,” he said, stopping Sirius from talking any more. He was scared of what Sirius mind would do to itself should he continue speaking. He also, simply, could not keep listening to Sirius blaming himself for James’ and Lily’s deaths. It hurt. Mostly, because it was what Remus had – though reluctantly – believed for twelve years. “Ron, give me the rat.”

Harry quirked his eye at Remus; he had probably never heard Remus this strict before. His tone was telling the children that his command was not up for discussion. He really, really did have enough of this. He knew what he knew and he wanted to give them evidence, but they had to let him. Right then. Ron handed over the rat – reluctantly and only after Remus had assured him that he would not harm it in any way. But he handed it over and Remus had to tighten his fingers around the tiny body, so Peter would not escape his grasp.

“Ready, Sirius?”, Remus shot a glance at Sirius, who had straightened himself and had picked up Severus’ wand from where it had fallen on the bed. He had an expression of grim determination on his features.

“Together?” Sirius’ certainty was giving Remus strength, because he himself was not a hundred percent sure that this was going to work. Wasn’t this kind of too good to be true? Remus had been hoping for an explanation that would clear Sirius’ name and give him back to Remus for so long, for the last twelve years. And now this solution was served to Remus on a silver platter. It scared Remus. He wanted it to be true, but he was not sure he would get what he wanted. Remus was sure his emotions were showing on his face, if only for Sirius who knew him better than anyone. Sirius was nodding at him, he was reassuring Remus. He could see that Remus was scared and he wanted him to know that he did not have to. It was comforting. This minute movement of Sirius head gave Remus everything he needed.

“I think so. On the count of three,” He nodded as well, signaling Sirius that he was ready. They both raised their wands at the rat. “One, two, three!”

_Homorphus!_

Remus had to let go of the rat as it grew in front of their eyes into a human being. Into someone Remus recognized in an instant, even though he only looked vaguely like his old self. There he was, Peter Pettigrew, lying on the floor between Remus and the children, who were gawking at the man with widened eyes and shock on their faces.

Relief washed over Remus. It was true. Sirius was innocent. Sirius had been innocent all along. Sirius was back. Back for Remus, back at Remus’ side. He wanted to turn around, hug Sirius again. Celebrate. But he couldn’t. He had to keep his wand raised, pointed at Peter for now. Later, they could celebrate. They could celebrate for the rest of their days. They could be together again, later. Now, they had to focus on Peter. Peter, who Remus had thought to be dead. Who he now, with a surge of disappointment, anger, hatred even, _wished_ to be dead.

Still, killing Peter now was not going to help them. It would decidedly not help Sirius’ case if he hurt Peter. It would be way easier to get a confession out of a living Peter than it would be to get Sirius out of Azkaban for actually killing Peter –even if they would be able to prove that Sirius had not been responsible for what had happened twelve years back. So, Remus sprung into action to hold Sirius back from hurting Peter. He understood the impulse, but it was so unhelpful right now. They needed patience. They needed to take the effects of their behavior into consideration. This was so much more important than revenge. And Sirius knew this. He was just really bad at controlling his impulses. This had probably not gotten better in prison.

Remus held Sirius’ wrist, he had raised his wand at Peter as soon as the latter had began speaking – he was squeaking, obviously scared into incoherence. Peter had never been good under pressure. But, letting Peter talk was the way to go. Remus needed him to confess to what he had done. He would need to apply pressure at the right moment to the right spot. He knew Peter, though not as good as he had thought before, but he was positive, that he would be able to make him talk. He just had to ask the right questions. Find the holes in Peter’s excuses and slip through. For a minute or two it was easier than Remus had anticipated. Maybe it was due to the fact that Peter had probably spent years in his rat form or it was the fear, but Peter’s ineloquence was giving Remus the chance to corner him sooner than he had thought. The others were keeping quiet, letting Remus lead the conversation – well, it was more an interrogation than a conversation – until Peter directly accused Sirius of having learned from Lord Voldemort. He didn’t even use Voldemort’s name.

Sirius’ reaction was a laugh that sounded hard, almost cruel. It was only thinly veiling how hurt Sirius was that this was exactly what people thought about him. Remus felt guilty for having been one of them in the past. Sirius covered his hurt with scorn and mockery. He taunted Peter for still flinching when he heard Voldemort’s name and made him flinch all over again. Suddenly Remus had to think of something his mother had told him about over the holidays. Apparently in Muggle media there was something called the good cop/bad cop-routine. Somehow Sirius and he had begun to apply this without second thought. It was working.

When Sirius put him under pressure, Peter turned to Remus for what he thought was help, but Remus just used the in to ask why Peter – as an innocent person – would have hid _for twelve years – as a rat_. For a short moment Peter seemed to be at a loss for words, then beginning to stutter about how he had still been scared for Sirius. Remus wondered if this sounded as unconvincing in Peter’s ears as it did in his own.

It triggered a reaction from Sirius either way. He explained that Peter had been hiding, because he had been scared of the Death Eaters. He explained how it had been Peter working for Voldemort, how Peter had ended up being the Potters’ secret keeper, because Sirius had suggested it, trying to blind-side Voldemort. Sirius had been such an obvious choice for the job nobody had doubted that he had been chosen to do it. Also, no one had known about the change of plans. None of them had told Remus, for example, which could only mean one thing; they had suspected him working for Voldemort. The thought hurt. But he had thought the same thing about Sirius after all, so how could he hold this against him, really?

Remus decidedly stopped thinking about it, instead focusing on their current situation. What Sirius was explaining did make a lot of sense, it was really logical once you had come to think of it. Still, he said it with so much venom in his voice, his words carried so much hatred that Remus was scared it would veil how true his explanations rang. Just because someone is passionate about something it did not mean they were wrong. Still, it was important to convince Harry, Hermione and Ron of the truth. They were kind of an involuntary test audience. This would all have to be explained in front of Dumbledore, undoubtedly countless Aurors, maybe even the Wizengamot, soon.

“Professor Lupin?” Hermione spoke up more shyly than Remus had ever heard her before. It was strange to hear her talk like this – she was probably really scared and he could not blame her. Still, it was encouraging to him that she still used his title –even if it was kind of hilarious, too. Hermione had figured out his darkest secret, had blurted it out just half an hour before, and now she was back to calling him Professor and asking his permission to speak. It was irritatingly endearing, that she still respected him as an authority figure, even now. He couldn’t help but smile at her, when he told her to ask away. He caught Sirius glancing at him kind of amusedly under his fuming anger.

Hermione – as always – tried to reason. She tried to apply logical thinking to the situation. She wanted to understand everything. It was exactly what Remus needed. He was hit by a wave of admiration and gratitude towards the girl. She was thirteen, in a potentially life-threatening yet at least life-altering situation and tried to clear it up by conversing with at least one murderer and also a werewolf in the room. She was a true Gryffindor. She was so scared and yet she dared to speak to Sirius directly. She even called him Mr. Black. Sirius seemed shocked by the level of consideration she showed. The surprise her common decency caused in him stung Remus in the worst way. Sirius did not deserve what he had had to endure.

“If you don’t mind me asking…how _did you_ get out of Azkaban, if you didn’t use Dark Magic?” Hermione asked and it was something Remus had wanted to know as well. Peter, on the other hand, took this as support to try and start a new tirade of accusations towards Sirius. Remus shot Peter a look – well, it was better declared as a glare – that silenced him. If he was giving it more thought he and Sirius were probably not doing a good cop/bad cop-routine after all. It was more like a bad cop/slightly-better cop-routine. Actually, it was not a routine at all. It was just the two of them working together without second thought. It was kind of nice, that this could still happen. It felt so easy, somehow, even though their situation suggested otherwise.

While Remus had been thinking about this, Sirius had been collecting his mind to answer Hermione’s question. His hesitation showed that he was taking this very seriously. He wanted to explain this just right; he wanted them to believe him. When he started talking, he did so slowly. Remus had to call himself to order, so that he would not just stand there staring at Sirius. Hearing him talking about Azkaban was hard enough; he did not need the sight of Sirius sunken-in face, the pain that was obvious in his expression. It would be ebbed into his memory either way. Also, he needed to watch Peter. If nobody focused on him, he could use the chance to escape. This was improbable, though, because Peter was just as focused on Sirius as the rest of the people present.

Sirius’ story was capturing. He did not give them any details, but he explained what had happened so it made sense. He had obviously been thinking about this for a while, he had spent a long time on the run. But disguised in his dog form there had not been much to be done other than plotting how to get a hold of Peter. He had been living in the Forbidden Forest. He had been cooperating with Crookshanks. He had kept tabs on Harry. He had seen him fly at the Quidditch game.

“You fly as well as your father did, Harry,” he said, choking a bit on the emotion that were undoubtedly welling up inside Sirius. He had loved James like a brother – more than his actual brother, maybe even more than Remus ( _In another way_ , he had used to say). Remus glanced at him, trying to convey all his compassion, all his love, all his… _everything_ in this look. Sirius did not seem to notice. He was focused on Harry; Remus couldn’t blame him for it. “Believe me; I never would have betrayed James and Lily. I would have died, before I had betrayed them.”

And Remus was not sure if it was the pure heart-brokenness that swung with Sirius’ words or if it had been his explanations that had convinced Harry to – finally – believe Sirius. He seemed unable to speak, probably struck by the sadness, the regret and pain that had built up in the room while Sirius had been talking. But Harry nodded. Remus felt about ready to start crying. He was sure Sirius felt the same way. There was relief rushing through both of them, some of the tension in their bodies being released.

But it was not yet the time to relax and celebrate. There was still Peter, sitting amongst them and he reminded them of his existence in the most unpleasant way, namely, by starting to beg for their forgiveness, for their mercy; trying to appeal to them, one by one. He started with Sirius, who kicked him away ruthlessly. After eluding Sirius’ kick he turned towards Remus.

“Remus,” Remus despised the very way his name was spoken in Peter’s voice. He had never felt this much disgust hearing his own name before, “You don’t believe this…Wouldn’t have Sirius told you they’d changed the plan?”

He imagined Peter thought this was a convincing argument. But Remus felt awfully prepared for this question. He tried to sound nonchalant when he answered, and he succeeded. Everyone in the room – except Sirius maybe – seemed to believe him when he said, “Not if he thought I was the spy, Peter. I assume that’s why you didn’t tell me, Sirius?”

Sirius stared at him for a split second. There was something else now visible on his face. It was a mix of regret and compassion. It was the knowledge that you had done – or assumed – something wrong and had caused one of your beloved pain with it. “James made me promise. He…he thought I was trusting in you too blindly. Forgive me, Remus.”

Remus felt a lump in his throat for a moment. Sirius had never doubted him. Sirius had not deemed him untrustworthy even when James had done it apparently. And he had not told him, because _James had asked him to_. That was what Sirius had said but Remus had also heard – implied – that he had not wanted to have to tell Remus that Lily and James have been doubtful of his loyalty. It was something Sirius would have done – would do. Remus didn’t give himself the time to think this through, he had to react. He had to keep the momentum. “Not at all, Padfoot, _old friend_. And will you, in turn, forgive me for believing you were the spy?”

“Of course,” Sirius said and a hint of a smile flickered across his face. Remus had seen his eyes twitch at the words ‘old friend’. This had been one of their code words back in their school time, when no one except their closest friends had known about the kind of their relationship. They had referred to each other as ‘old friends’ in front of others, a hidden term of endearment that had given both of them strength when their fellows had been unbearable; when it had been unbearable to hide.

Peter knew about this, too. Remus was not sure if he had made the connection or if it was just blatantly obvious, but he started to aim his begging for mercy at the children, instead of Remus and Sirius. First, he tried for Ron, because he had been ‘such a good pet’. The boy looked rather weirded out and disgusted by the man kneeling before him; the man who had been his pet rat for years. It was definitely understandable that he was repulsed by the thought of it. Sirius intervened and got Peter to leave the boy alone only to turn towards Hermione. She reacted instantly by getting herself out of Peter’s reach, her face showed disgust and horrification. This left only one person to beg from. But as soon as Peter had gotten even a few words out to Harry, Sirius intervened again. Peter was trying to use James as a reason to show him mercy and Sirius was having none of it. He was furious.

Remus helped him pulling Peter away from Harry. Sirius confronted Peter again with the fact that he had been working for Voldemort and finally, Peter confessed. He tried to portray himself as a victim, tried to defend himself with the fact that he had never been as brave as his friends, that Voldemort had forced him, would have killed him. Remus was tired of these excuses and he was happy that Sirius was there, saying exactly what he was thinking.

“Then you should have died rather than betray your friends, as we would have done for you!” Sirius said and sometime during their conversation he and Remus had stepped up, building a wall in front of Peter, shoulders slightly touching, both having their wands raised.

“You should have realized, Peter, that you would die either way,” Remus said, but before he could say any more, Harry stepped in.

“No,” he said firmly, “You can’t kill him. You can’t.”

Both Remus and Sirius kept quiet for a second. Remus did so, because he had not had the intention to kill Peter, Sirius most probably due to surprise. _He_ had been planning to end Peter’s life tonight. He was so focused on his revenge mission, that he did not understand why it was a better idea to keep Peter alive. Harry had made up his mind, though. He wanted to take Peter up to the castle, get Dumbledore involved, prove Sirius’ innocence; have Peter taken to Azkaban to pay for his deeds. It was the right thing to do, Remus agreed. Sirius had a harder time to understand Harry’s motives, Remus did not even question it but Harry explained in _just the way_ to make Sirius understand.

“I don’t reckon my dad would’ve wanted his best friends to become killers,” he said and Sirius gaze instantly softened. He was looking at Harry with a broken-hearted fondness showing. Then, he turned his eyes on Remus. The latter gave him a small nod and an understanding smile. The both of them probably felt similar right in this moment; proud of Harry, sad for James, nostalgic thinking about him. They lowered their wands to show they had understood.

Sirius was still not happy with the decision, but Harry stood his ground. He had decided due to principle and it was something he would not sway from. Remus respected that. He asked Harry to stand aside, assuring him he would just tie Peter up, and he did. He used the same spell that Snape had used on him just half an hour or so earlier and he probably was just as mean about tightening the knots as Severus had been. Remus did not feel guilty though. He wondered, if Severus hated him as much as he hated Peter right then.

Sirius forfeited. He knew that Remus would not help him trying to convince Harry to kill Peter. He still threatened their former friend that should he try and escape by transforming back into a rat, they would kill him. He shot Harry a look and the boy nodded so that Peter could see him. Remus knew that Sirius almost hoped Peter would make an attempt to transform. He was still glad that Harry had intervened. He took a deep breath then he started to assert their situation.

Ron needed medical aid, so he turned to him first, strapping his leg up so it would not hurt as much until someone with better knowledge of healing could tend to him. The boy that had only shortly before flinched when Remus had tried to touch him now let him help. It mended some of the shards the events of the night had shattered Remus’ heart into. Ron let Remus help him stand up.

“That’s better, thanks,” he said, giving Remus an appreciative nod.

“What about Professor Snape?” Hermione asked. She was nudging Severus lightly, bent over his figure lying on the bed. Her face showed worry. She was probably equally worried about his health than she was about the consequences of having put him into this state. Remus stepped over to her, checking Severus’ vitals. He assured Hermione that Snape would be okay. Remus would have probably been able to revive him into a functioning human again right then and there, but his unconsciousness was way more convenient – and also more pleasant.

“We can take him like this,” Remus assured her and mobilized Severus’ body with a swish of his wand, so that it was floating upright. It would be a struggle to get him through the tunnel that led up to the Shackle, but Remus decidedly did not care about this. After the events of this night he felt like Severus deserved the headache bumping against the tunnel walls would cause him. Maybe he would even fall down at some point – by accident, of course. Even though he would probably not do it, the thought made Remus smile for a moment. Then he focused back on their situation. He picked up James’ Coat and put it in his robes, so that they would not forget it.

Now, there was still Peter, lying on the floor between them, keeping still for once. He was staring at Sirius with big, watery eyes. It was pathetic. Sirius suggested two of them should be chained to him, so that it was easier to control him. Remus volunteered, so did Ron. Sirius nodded, conjuring up two pairs of handcuffs and handed them over to Remus. Remus linked one of his and Ron’s arms each to one of Peter’s. Sirius took over the task to keep Severus floating. Now, Remus was sure that Severus would probably be waking up to a headache. Well, Remus still did not care.

He looked around their little group; this was really not how he had thought this night would go. The cat decided it was his job to lead the way, he left the room first and after him followed Remus and Peter and Ron, then Snape and Sirius and as the last ones Harry and Hermione. The whole way down the stairs then into and through the tunnel, Remus was intensely focused on not tripping, keeping Peter in check and helping Ron along the way. They were progressing only slowly due to Ron’s injury and being chained together and Remus was glad when they had gotten to the exit at the Whomping Willow.

A sigh of relief escaped Remus’ lips, but then he remembered. He remembered what night it was. He remembered that he had promised himself he would be back in time to take his potion. He remembered what Severus had said why he had been to Remus’ office. And he did not only remember, he was painfully reminded by the full moon suddenly shining down on them.

For a moment there was nothing but the shock. Then there was just nothing at all. Nothing human left.

_***_

_pain… just pain… excruciating pain… pain that meant becoming… becoming something else… becoming another… another form… another being… then: hunger… instinct… the hunt… wanting to hurt… wanting to kill… needing to kill… nothing besides the intent to kill… the smell of prey… and blood… bleeding prey… weakness… fear… easy prey… hunting… pain… sharp pain… an attack… teeth clashing… biting… claws… jaws locking… pain… blood… the taste of blood… open wounds… gashing blood… anger… fighting… snarling… growling… teeth snapping… howling… pulling and pushing… blood… pain… the woods… the woods… the woods… escape… running… shelter… retreat… find other prey… licking wounds… pain… blood… alone… bleeding… pain… shelter… pain… pain…_

***

When Remus woke up his whole body was aching. It was a feeling he knew all too well, a feeling he had been trying to escape – hopelessly. And in addition to the physical pain there were always the same feelings of shame, regret and anguish that came with the transition. Only this time it was even worse, so much worse. His transition had hit him in the exact wrong moment. Why did all of this have to happen in a full moon night? Why could it not have been any other night?

Remus woke up and all of this and more went through his head before he had even considered his surroundings. He was in the forest, surrounded only by the trees and the rustling of the wind. It was dawning, but only slightly, it had to be early in the morning. He wondered how deep in the woods he was located at and how much time it would take him to find his way back. Contrary to his Animagus friends Remus wolf brain was only slightly connected to his human brain, he did not know the woods like the back of his hand.

He stumbled through the forest’s trees with only a general idea of where to go. He did not come across any other beings, animals or creatures. Maybe he still scented of his werewolf form, this would have repelled and scared other beings. No matter what the reason was; Remus was glad not having to encounter anyone or anything else. He was wallowing in self-pity, he was overthinking what had happened the night before and he was worrying what had happened after he had transformed.

He was fairly sure that Sirius had been the one to keep Remus in check. Werewolves took every chance to attack humans, when they were in their wolf form – it was an instinct. So Sirius must have transformed and held Remus back. Remus had bruises and wounds that matched his theory. They were proves of a fight. A fight that had involved something similar than a wolf, something like a big black dog. But if Sirius had transformed, this also meant that there was no one left to look out for Peter. The children were not equipped to keep Peter in check. He had probably fled the scene as soon as both of them had transformed. Remus could only pray that he had not done anything to the children. Before the last night Remus would have never guessed that he’d think Peter capable of hurting innocent children but Peter had admitted to having killed a dozen innocent people before. For no better reason than framing Sirius.

Sirius. Sirius, who had been innocent all along. Who still was innocent. Who it was right to love again. This was what had made the last night positive in its outcome no matter what had happened else. Remus was able to love Sirius again – still was the more honest word to describe it – without feeling guilty or ashamed, at least in front of himself. He wondered how the night had turned out for Sirius. He wondered if he had taken up hunting down Peter, if he had gone to the castle with the children to talk to Dumbledore, if everything had turned out fine.

But there was this other part of Remus that expected the worst. Sirius had been unsuccessful in detaining Peter and had fled. Sirius had tried to enter the castle and had been detained before somebody had listened to him. Peter had not just fled but tried to kill Sirius and the children. Peter had succeeded in this and then fled. He had framed Remus for the deaths of Sirius and the children – no! His mind was running wild with ideas. By now, he thought Peter capable of anything and he had framed one of his former friends before to take a way out. But if Peter had done this and framed Remus he would have been detained. He would have not woken up in the woods but in Azkaban or not at all.

Remus was driven by these sorts of thoughts and he made his way through the woods fast until he recognized where he was. If he would follow his line of walking further he would come out near the Whomping Willow. This would be good, because he had left behind all he had carried with him there when he had transitioned. His clothes were probably destroyed in the transformation but if he was lucky no one had thought of picking up James’ Cloak and he would be able to make his way into the castle without being seen. For this, of course, he would have to cross from the forest to the spot where he was last human in his split-naked state. He watched out for anyone, before leaving behind the woods. He was, indeed, lucky. The Cloak was there and so was his wand. It had not been lying there on its own, though. With admiration and gratitude Remus found Crookshanks lying in the grass next to his shredded clothes as if he was guarding Remus’ belongings. This cat really was of its own kind.

Crookshanks followed Remus back into the castle, trotting along next to Remus under the cloak. It was strange, walking towards the castle, knowing that he would not be seen. He could remember doing this for fun, fifteen years ago. It had always been a thrill, fun but terrifying. Remus had once before been naked under the Cloak. It had been Sirius’ idea. Remus was earnestly hoping he would not come across anyone while naked and invisible.

Crossing the castle grounds Remus noticed a change in the atmosphere. It was …warmer. Not temperature-wise though. Well, the temperatures were higher as well as it was June. Remus did not even feel cold only covered by the cloak. It was something else though. He turned around when he was already at the castle’s gates and searched the remote distance for traces of the Dementors. There were none. No Dementors left at the gates or the borders of the school grounds. This could mean one of two things.

Either Sirius had been accepted in the castle and exonerated, so there was no more reason for security measures such as Dementors being placed around the school. Or – and Remus did not really want to think of that, but had to as he felt he had to be prepared for the possibility – Sirius had been detained by Ministry officials or the Dementors themselves and there was no more need to keep anyone safe from Sirius as he had been eliminated as a threat. It was killing Remus not to know what had happened.

He wanted to run up to Dumbledore’s office and ask for an explanation. The headmaster was the one who would know of what had happened. But Remus could not just head up to him while naked, bleeding and invisible. He had to head to his quarters first to put on some clothes, to heal the worst of his wounds. The door to his office was closed, but not locked. On the desk there was still the Marauder’s Map, unfolded. Next to it stood a cup filled with Wolfsbane. Seeing it standing there as if to mock Remus anger filled Remus again; anger at himself for not having had the presence of mind to head over to Severus to ask for the potion before leaving towards the Shrieking Shackle. He would have still transformed, yet not into a dangerous monster but a mostly harmless wolf. Also, this would have meant that Severus would not have found the map or Sirius. Frustrated, Remus took the cup and threw it into the fire that was still gleaming in the chimney. The fluid turned the flames into a wild rage of blue for a moment, than it was burnt. His little outburst had not given Remus any satisfaction though. He still was very angry with himself.

He had the urge to sit down and search the map for clues of what had been the outcome of the night, but he tore himself away from it. He had to get dressed. Once he was dressed he would find out where Dumbledore was. Then he would find the headmaster and let him explain what Remus had missed. This was plan A. Plan A was applicable to any scenario that played out in Remus’ mind while he was putting on trousers and an old sweater and his second best robes as well as the shoes he had found unharmed on the grounds. Plan B required a good outcome of the previous night. It was applicable if Remus would by any chance find Sirius’ name on the map. Then, he would go and find Sirius instead of Dumbledore. Sirius would be able to tell him about the events of the night as well as Dumbledore. Also, he would probably be washed and taken care of health-wise if he was still in the castle, which meant that Remus would be able to hug him. Maybe crush him in a hug. He stopped himself from thinking about this option for too long. He did not want to allow himself to be this optimistic. It would hurt even more once he found out everything had gone badly.

Once he was fully dressed Remus hovered over the map instantly. He scanned it briefly for a moment, looking for any signs that something big was happening, but most dots were to be found in their sleeping quarters, the students and also almost all of the staff. Dumbledore was not in his office and neither were Professor McGonagall and Severus. They were the three who were mostly involved in what had happened in the night, so this did not contradict any of Remus’ theories. Next, Remus checked the infirmary. There were four dots in the hospital wing: Poppy Pomfrey, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. No Sirius Black. Remus did not know what to make of this information, if he should feel relieved or worried by this, but he did not have much time to ascertain his thoughts, because there was a knock on the door. His eyes snapped to his own office on the map. The door already opened while he was reading: _Severus Snape_.

“Severus, come in,” Remus straightened himself and closed the map, tapping it with his wand to let the writing disappear. He wished he had done as much the evening before but wishful thinking had never changed anything and neither did it now.

“Lupin, you’re back,” Severus said but did not let it show if he had expected Remus to be there yet, or if it was surprising him. Snape pushed the door open completely and stepped into Remus’ office with as much discontentment on his face as there had always been. He looked displaced, clearly showing that he did not want to be there, the corners of his mouth turned downwards in a cruel expression.

“Why are you here?” Remus asked. His mind was running wild, searching for reasons why Severus would come to look after him. He was known for holding grudges and after what had happened the night before Remus could not imagine Snape voluntarily seeking him out for anything else than cruelty.

“I wanted to get back the goblet I left here yesterday,” Severus answered, coolly. He let his gaze wander around Remus’ office, searching for the container. Remus nodded, turning around towards his chimney to receive the object in question. When he turned back to Severus to hand him the goblet the other man’s eyes were twinkling in something Remus could only identify as cruel amusement.

“Well, how did it end up in your chimney?” he asked, but it was a rhetorical question anyway, “are you letting out your frustrations on inanimate objects now? Is this a side effect of lycanthropy?”

Remus felt anger rising in his chest and with the tumult of emotions he already had to veil it was harder to hold himself back than it had been in a long time. Finally he settled for, “Severus, you know that it is not,” he sounded tired, when he answered, but who could have blamed him, “you are an obsessive nature and fairly intelligent. By now you probably know as much about lycanthropy as I do – save for the first-hand experience.”

For Remus, this marked the end of their conversation, but Snape did not leave. Instead he stared down at Remus with an unreadable expression on his face. When Remus said his name, it sounded more like a sigh, “Severus, what do you want from me?”

“Nothing,” Severus answered in a tone that meant anything but what he had said, “I thought you might want to know what happened to your lover after you turned into a beast last night.”

Remus stared up at him. His first instinct was to defend himself against this accusation. But really, he knew it was a lost cause. Then he thought about asking Severus for information. He was surely best informed about what had happened last night but Remus did not trust him. Severus was cruel and vindictive. He would use his chance to tease and torture Remus. “I…I want to know, but not necessarily from you.”

“Oh, are you hoping to find _him_ somewhere to talk it out?” Severus’ tone made it clear that he meant Sirius. A smirk formed on his face, “Is that why you were hovering over your pretty little map when I came in?”

“I am not that optimistic,” Remus said. His tone probably gave away that he was still _hoping for_ but not expecting good. He looked at the map again, that was now a blank piece of parchment.

“You shouldn’t be.”

Remus could not help but look up at his colleague. “Severus, why don’t you just tell me, what you want to tell me? Or leave?” Remus knew, he sounded exhausted. He was. He dreaded sleep and calm and certainty. He had no more power left to keep his tone light or act friendly. “I would prefer the latter but it is not like you to just leave me alone when you are in your cruel mood.”

“My cruel mood? I-”

Remus interrupted him, “Yes, your cruel mood; the one that kept you from listening to us last night; the one that seems to keep you from being open for the truth and for justice. Had you just listened-”

Severus surely was furious about these accusations. “Well, I think it might have not been my place to listen at all. And I think it entirely possible that no one will ever listen to you or your lover ever again,” He leaned towards Remus, one hand placed on Remus desk and continued in a calmer tone, “You are a monster in your core and now you also helped a convicted criminal. The minister was very interested in what you were doing to help your beloved-”

Anger and fear flared up in Remus. Before last night only a few people had known that Remus and Sirius had been a couple. It had been beneficial for Remus as his lycanthropy had been stigma enough. Being the ex-boyfriend of a mass murderer had made it even harder to get a job. Did everyone know now? “What…what did you tell him, Severus?”

“Oh, only the truth. Well, mostly the truth,” he made a rhetoric pause and Remus wanted to stand up and shake it out of him, “I did not want the children to suffer. They were only confused after all, probably due to a Confundus charm.”

A Confundus charm. Remus needed a moment to process Severus’ words. He had told everyone that Sirius had used a Confundus charm on the children. Nobody would believe them. “You…you fool,” Reus said. He felt a strange wave of disappointment accompanying the anger, sadness and all the other emotions that held him captive. Had he really had reason to expect anything else from Severus, though? “Severus, you might have destroyed a lot of lives last night-”

“That’s your sight of things. The Minister sure was glad that the notorious mass murderer Sirius Black had finally been apprehended,” Snape had straightened his stance and seemed to be willing to go, turning slightly towards the still open door. Remus held him back. He couldn’t help himself.

“Severus,” he said and it was something between a whimper and a command. Severus turned back towards him wearing a mask of cruel triumph.

“Oh, now you want to hear it from me? That’s news to me,” The corners of Severus’ mouth were turned downwards, his eyebrows raised in a mocking expression. He enjoyed this, Remus’ helplessness, his desperation. It was not real merriment though, it was the retribution someone felt for the hurt the enemy had to endure. “I will tell you, what happened though.”

Severus made a theatrical break and let Remus suffer for a few moments that felt like half a lifetime before he started to talk, “I became conscious lying next to unconscious Ronald Weasley. He has apparently been hit by some kind of jinx. It probably did him some good though, as Mister Potter and Miss Granger had been attacked by the Dementors meanwhile.” What Severus told him with such a non-chalance hit Remus hard. He had thought Harry had made great progress with his Patronus. And yet, he had not had the chance to defend himself. Remus had not only failed as a friend the night before, he had also failed as a teacher.

“When I had gotten rid of them,” Severus continued, completely unaware of Remus inner struggle with himself, “I saw that it was not only the two of them but also Black who had been attacked. It is such a pity that I had not seen him before I might have let them finish the job otherwise.”

Remus grabbed the arrests of his chair tightly. He felt like his emotions were riding on a broomstick. Highs and lows were hitting him and he could not help but let his feelings show. Severus knew all of his secrets anyway, there was no use in hiding anything from him and he did not have the energy to even attempt so. He did not even have the energy to stand up out of his seat in enragement. He sent Severus a murderous glare, though. “You-”

Severus cut him off before Remus could even think of a swear word appropriate for the occasion. He wore a cruel smile on his face. “Let out all your frustrations, Lupin. Here, do you want to throw it into the fire again?” He offered Remus the cup that had held the Wolfsbane the night before in a mocking gesture. Remus did not move a muscle. “You have to remember though: it is not the cup’s fault that you forgot you turn into a monster every night of a full moon. How does one forget a fact like this? especially in a night of such importance.”

Remus tried not to let Severus’ words sting. He was not telling Remus anything new. Remus had already blamed himself with about the same words Severus used now, and his own had held even more venom than Snape could ever put into them. Remus could not think about himself right now. He needed to know about Sirius. “Severus…did…did they do it?”

“Oh, yes, you are right of course,” Severus said and Remus held his breath, “I had not finished my story yet,” Of course, Severus was not going to let Remus go this easily. He would not cut this short. He was enjoying himself too much, the power he held right now over Remus heart. Remus buried his face in his hands in frustration. He wanted to hear the story. He needed to hear it. But he did not want to hear it from Severus. He could not bring himself to move, though, could not bring himself to stop Severus from telling the story. All he could do was listening. Listen and hope that Severus cruelty had resulted out of spite. Not out of triumph over Sirius. Staying hopeful was very hard though.

“When I came back to the castle with three unconscious students and one unconscious searched murderer it attracted attention of course,” Severus continued his story, “The student body had already retired and so had most of the teachers but Madam Pomfrey called for the headmaster as soon as I had entered the hospital wing of course. Minister Fudge was still there, apparently there had been a problem with the execution of Hagrid’s beast, so he was still in conversation with Dumbledore when they heard of the news. The Minister appointed executioner Macnair to get a hold of a Dementor to proceed with the kiss,” Remus could not help but pity himself; pity Sirius for the bad timing of the events of the night prior. Why did it have to be a full moon night? Why did it have to be the night the Minister was visiting the school? Why had there have to be an _executioner_ with him? Why? Remus had never believed in fate or in a god or in any higher power that ruled what happened in the world. He had instead believed in humanity; in his own humanity. He had lost hope in both of these recently.

“While Macnair was on his way Mr. Potter and Miss Granger became conscious again and they told the Minister the strangest story. That Sirius Black was innocent and that he had tried to get a hold of Peter Pettigrew,” Severus reported further and the hostility in his tone was almost fully overshadowed by the malice and wicked amusement he showed as well, “it was really easier to believe that they had been confounded. And they seemed so aggravated that Madam Pomfrey was worried for their health, so the Minister and I had to leave them in the hospital wing.” Remus felt speechless, thoughtless. No, not thoughtless but the exact opposite. He felt unable to contain any of his thoughts and feelings into words. Words were not enough to tell Severus how much of a fool he was, how wrong he had been doing, how much misery he was bringing to the world by not lessening his own in any way.

“We headed up to Professor Flitwick’s office where Black was held captive for the time being and the Minister thanked me personally for my effort. He was sure to inform the _Daily Prophet_ as soon as it was done and-”

Remus’ head snapped up from where he had held it in his face. He looked at Severus who seemed very content with himself. Remus probably looked anything but content. He imagined a grimace of hatred and outrage on his features. He was not sure he had ever been this angry and disappointed before. He had trouble keeping his voice from a trembling and rising, “I cannot believe you. You handed over an innocent man to people who would not listen to him because of a years-old grudge and to gain personal favor?”

Severus was unperturbed by Remus’ words, “You know exactly that Black was anything but innocent, even in his adolescence and-”

And Remus could not bear to hear of this anymore. He jumped up from his chair, his hand slamming on top of his desk, “You are still so mad about this, that you let an innocent man be _kissed by the Dementors_?” Remus’ voice was so purely venomous, it surprised himself, “Are you so blinded by your hatred that you cannot see how wrong you were acting? You did the wrong thing for the wrong reasons and this makes you not just a fool but a monster!”

Now, this seemed to affront Severus. His snarl gave Remus some satisfaction, “How dare _you_ call _me_ a monster? You are simply unable to reflect your own wrongdoing from before and from last night.”

Remus was so over letting himself be called a monster by this man. His humanity was in a better state than Severus’ had been in a very long time. Remus was not inhumane; he was just not human all the time. This was what made someone or something a monster: The inability to feel for another being; the inability to see beyond the own individual, the personal gain.

“I did nothing as inherently wrong as you did,” was what Remus said after a moment of tense silence.

Severus was clearly disagreeing with him. He clearly felt affronted but he was also _still smiling_. Cruelty and malice and disgust were visible on his face. Also, triumph. He still had the upper hand in this conversation and he was painfully aware of the fact, “Yeah, well, the result is still the same. Can you really feel better about yourself when in the end it still means that your beloved Black is gone?”

Remus felt himself deflate instantly. All the tension left his body. He felt like something had drained all the energy out of him in an instant. The silence that followed Snape’s statement was ringing in his ears. He had to wait a moment to find his voice again and when he did it came out more like a whisper; hoarse and raw. It made Remus’ vulnerability audible. “Gone?”

“Gone,” Severus repeated himself. He was staring Remus down and the latter had nothing left to hold him upright again. He fell back into his chair, not caring for the way the backrest hit his spine painfully. Remus felt his insides go numb. He felt nauseous and like he wanted to cry and at the same time he felt nothing at all. He looked up to Snape again. He wanted to see any sign for Severus lying; he needed to find such a sign.

He asked again, “Gone?”

And Severus nodded. Remus wanted to die, but there was another voice cutting through the silence. The door to Remus’ office was still open but neither Snape nor Remus had seen Professor Dumbledore standing there before the man spoke up.

“What Severus means by ‘gone’ is better described as ‘fugitive’, I think.”

***

“Fugitive,” Remus repeats. He probably sounded like a parrot, just repeating what the other men said, but he had to take some time to process what Dumbledore had said. _Fugitive_. Sirius had fled. He was still alive. He had done it again. This only left the question, “how?”

“Nobody knows,” Dumbledore answered, “I think his frustration with this fact might be the reason why Severus here did not lead his retelling of the events of last night with this fact,” Dumbledore’s gaze was focused on Severus’ when he said this. It showed anger and disappointment. Apparently the headmaster had talked to Severus about this before,

“I believe we had come to the agreement that you would send Remus to me, did you encounter him before I did,” his tone was icy now but Severus facial expression was stoic.

“Oh, I must have misunderstood you, headmaster,” Severus answered and his tone was flat. Remus shot him a glare. He had lied to him. He had made him believe that Sirius had been kissed. If he was honest Remus was angrier with himself, because he had believed Severus. He had known not to trust Snape. The latter had just taken advantage of Remus vulnerability, his fear, and his worries.

“Oh well, then I have to be very clear now, so you do not misunderstand me right now; please leave us alone now, Severus,” Dumbledore said, “and close the door on your way out.” Severus left, shooting Remus a last glare. Dumbledore had spoilt his fun, apparently. He closed the door after himself with so much force that some of the plaster crumbled above the door frame.

“You seem to have damped his spirits immensely,” Remus told Dumbledore and the old man gave him a kind smile. He gestured towards the chairs around Remus’ desk and both of them sat down.

“Would you care for some tea, Remus?” Dumbledore asked. He had come prepared – as always – because when he made a gesture with his hand a tea tablet appeared on Remus’ desk that carried not only a big bellied pot of tea but also Remus’ favorite scones. He smiled thankfully and served both of them tea.

“So, Sirius escaped again?” Remus started in an attempt to get the headmaster to tell him what had happened. Dumbledore only ever shared what he felt like – which could or could not be part of a bigger plan, Remus doubted anyone but Dumbledore knew about that – and Remus hoped he felt like sharing this day.

The headmaster sipped at his tea and answered, “Yes, apparently he somehow vanished out of Professor Flitwick’s office,” as if it was totally normal for Hogwarts to have convicts escape from their grounds. Professor Flitwick’s office. Remus wondered how Sirius had done it. The office was not on ground floor –not even close to it, so he could not have fled out of the window, could he?

“This is…strange,” Remus finally said. He wanted to understand. And he felt like he needed to know. He did not have to feel bad for his interest in Sirius anymore, so he asked away shamelessly. He had the feeling that Dumbledore was enjoying this. The older man did not show any disappointment or anger for Remus, he probably knew about Sirius’ innocence.

“The strangest thing,” there was a small smile on Dumbledore’s lips, his eyes glistening with amusement. It was a challenge. He wanted Remus to ask, not giving away anything freely.

Of course, he would have something to do with it. Remus asked, “You have no idea how this might have happened?”

“Theories maybe, but nothing that could hold up to further investigation. There will be Aurors looking into it, but I do not think that they will be able to find anything.” Remus remembered this kind of code from back in the days of the Order. They did have to act under the radar of the Ministry from time to time and nobody had had every explanation.

If you had wanted to find out if someone had been part of a mission, you asked if they knew about what had happened. They would answer almost exactly the same that Dumbledore had just answered Remus. It meant, _Yes, I was part of this, but nobody will find incriminating proof_. Remus gave Dumbledore a thankful smile. He had helped him – them – yet again. He had been there as a background power, moving pieces to help them, since their school days. He had never wanted words of gratitude though.

“Well, Sirius has been the only person ever managing to break out of Azkaban. Nobody could expect a school and its staff to contain him here,” Remus answered after a short thoughtful silence.

“You’re right, Remus. But after all, we both know by what means he escaped his imprisonment, don’t we?” Dumbledore was still smiling at him serenely.  
Remus took the hint, “You were able to talk to him?”

“Yes, while he was detained in Professor Flitwick’s office we had some time to chat,” Dumbledore answered, “He told me about Peter and about your past adventures as animals.”

Remus nodded, conscience-stricken, “I have felt bad about not telling you before but in hindsight I think it was the right choice to stay quiet about this.” The eye contact between the two of them intensified for a few moments, as if the elder professor was searching for something in Remus’ gaze, but then he smiled again and Remus felt relief.

“I see,” Dumbledore said and Remus knew he understood.

Remus smiled again as well. It was not a big smile, not a grin. He was just immensely relieved that Dumbledore was there for him, that Sirius was still alive, that this might mean a second chance after all. “Would you tell me what happened last night? I am not sure how much truth Severus’ words held.”

A flash of pity and guilt crossed Dumbledore’s features. He seemed to regret having been there so late, only arriving after Severus had had his fun. But Remus did not care all that much. He was angry about Severus, clearly, but after hearing that Sirius had gotten away, his anger had lost meaning, relief taking over instead.

Dumbledore put down his now empty tea cup, then folded his hands before himself, before he started to talk, “Of course, I have not been there myself. But I can tell you what Severus, Sirius and Mr. Potter and Miss Granger have told me.”

“Please.”

Apparently, Severus had told the truth, at least partly. After Remus had transitioned, it had not taken Snape long to regain consciousness. He had found the others and transported them back to the castle. They had all been unconscious due to some kind of jinx or the Dementors. Dumbledore had been called down to the hospital wing by Poppy Pomfrey after Snape had arrived there-

“Severus said the Minister was present as well,” Remus injected at this point.

Dumbledore watched him intently, when he answered, “Yes, he had been present for the execution of Buckbeak, but after the Hippogriff had escaped its fate, he stayed with me to talk about the security measures on the grounds. We were very surprised to hear from Miss Pomfrey about the arrival of Severus and three unconscious students as well as Sirius Black.”

“And then Severus told you…” Remus let the end of this sentence hang in the air between them, not sure what he wanted – and what he expected – to hear.  
Dumbledore gave him a kind smile, “I don’t think you want to know what he told us, to be perfectly honest.”

Remus let out a sound that was equally parts scoff and sigh, “You are probably right.” Remus could imagine what Severus had told them. He could also imagine how he had framed Remus as a villain and himself as a hero.

“He told us you had been helping Sirius all along, but when I asked Sirius about this he assured me that he had not even known you were teaching here.” Remus released the breath he had been holding. He had trusted his feeling that Dumbledore was on his side, but it had still been questionable. Dumbledore was a man of many mysteries; he did not give away anything easily. But he had been questioning Severus’ words enough to ask Sirius. Their story was really too strange to be made up, wasn’t it?

“I believe the two of you,” Dumbledore said and while it was the confirmation of what Remus had already known it also seemed to hold another meaning.

So he asked, “And the Minister?”

“Well, you would not be here if he believed you to have helped Sirius,” Dumbledore said and of course, this was true. But Remus was sure the Minister had not come to this conclusion on his own or out of philanthropic reasons. Remus knew for sure that Fudge had a deep mistrust for anyone not 100% human. He was sure Dumbledore had talked to him. Dumbledore had stuck up for Remus – again. He had already faced backlash from the Ministry after members of the school board had outraged reported Dumbledore wanting to hire a werewolf as a teacher. Remus had only given him trouble.

“Thank you,” Remus said and he tried to contain all of his gratitude in the two words.

Dumbledore did not want to hear it, “Oh, not for that,” which was nothing new, but Remus could not take this today. He needed to have an outlet for at least some of the feelings that were causing turmoil in his mind.

“Not only that, everything. You gave me this job, you believe Sirius and me, and you helped us. We kept secrets from you, we-”

Dumbledore interrupted him at these words, “Of course you did. You were young and then you were having enough to care about anyway,” Remus was not sure if Dumbledore meant the impending war or Remus’ illness, or their secret relationship or maybe all at once, “I still hope, we can be honest with each other from now on.”

Remus gave him a crooked smile. He had no secrets left to share, but he was very interested in some of Dumbledore’s, “Well, in that case I would like to hear about one of your _theories_ about how Sirius escaped.”

“I would prefer to tell you more about the Minister,” Dumbledore answered, but his tone gave away, that his words had a double meaning, “He was very disappointed that there were two escapes last night that the _Daily Prophet_ will blame him for. He sees his political career ending, I think.”

“Two escapes…” Remus repeated, thinking about Buckbeak. Buckbeak, who was a Hippogriff, who could fly. But how? Well, did this really matter? Was it not enough that Sirius was free and that Buckbeak was still alive? Remus imagined Hagrid to be very happy about this. He looked at Dumbledore with a mischievous smile. This reminded him of his school days, of James and Sirius planning something, “Two escapes, that’s a weird coincidence.”

“Maybe just really bad luck,” Dumbledore smiled happily. Remus had a feeling he had enjoyed the Minister’s _bad luck_. Dumbledore changed the topic, though, before Remus had the chance to say anything about it, “I wanted to congratulate you, as well. Mr. Potter has apparently been able to show off his Patronus charm yesterday. I hear it is a stag.”  
Remus did not waste a second thinking about Severus’ lie. He was too filled with pride and an aching melancholy, “A stag. Of course,” James had been a stag, in his Animagus form and his Patronus had been a stag as well. Lily’s Patronus had been a doe. They had been made for each other, it seemed.

The thought of Harry also brought worries about him and his friends. He knew, that Harry and Hermione had been better last night already, but the events had surely left their marks on them and Remus had not heard about Ron before, so he asked, “How are Harry, Ron and Hermione?”

“I believe they have all regained consciousness and will be up again probably later today,” Dumbledore told him. He had talked to Harry and Hermione and they had seemed fit and ready to take up a fight against Severus. They knew they had not been confounded. Dumbledore had kept them from it, but he was surely amused by their attempts, “Poppy is positive that if they get enough sleep and eat a lot of chocolate, they will be as good as new by then.”

“That’s good to hear,” Remus said. They fell silent for a moment. Dumbledore filled his tea cup again and sipped on it. Remus concentrated on spreading butter on his scone. He had something on his mind and he knew that Dumbledore was waiting for him to broach it.

“Professor,” Remus spoke up after a while. He had to clear his head before bringing it up. He knew it was the right thing, but it hurt.

“Yes?” Dumbledore looked at him curiously. He was sure that Dumbledore would not be entirely surprised. The elder man had a way of guessing – knowing – things like these.

Remus took a deep breath in before he said, “I think I should not return next year.” He tried to sound sincere, but his voice wavered a bit.

“Remus,” Dumbledore began, but Remus interrupted him, before he was able to say anything else.

“After last night I am no longer sure I should be here. Also, your reason to hire me was Sirius, was it not? Now that we know of his innocence you no longer need to keep an eye on me,” Remus said, but also he did not say, _now that we know of Sirius’ innocence I no longer need the company. I no longer need someone to keep up my spirits. I have Sirius now._

“Well, you are not completely wrong,” Dumbledore said. They had never before talked about this openly, but both of them had known, “But also not entirely right,” Remus waited for him to explain this further, but he didn’t. Except he said, “But I accept your decision, if you think it is the right one.”

Remus gave him a sad smile, “It is,” he was sure of this. He had liked working here; he had loved it, honestly. But additionally to the risk he was to everyone else on the grounds, there was also the fact that the longer he stayed here, the more chance there was for people to notice the pattern of his illness, “Also, Hermione Granger might have been the first but she surely will not be the last student to figure out my secret. We should end this, before there is any public backlash.”

Dumbledore nodded, thoughtfully. It was not like back in the day, when the headmaster had made Severus promise not to tell anyone about Remus’ condition. Remus was no longer a student, no longer a child. It was not him who was in need of protection anymore; at least, not as a matter of priority. “Alright. Well, it is time for breakfast now. Or would you rather retire?”

The both of them stood up from where they had been sitting. It had been a fairly long time, they had emptied the tea together and Remus had eaten almost all of the scones by himself. He felt well nurtured and in dire need of some sleep. “I think it would be best, if I got some sleep.”

There was a furious knock on the door, interrupting their silence. It was Professor McGonagall, who opened the door impatiently, before one of them could have been able to ask her in. She looked stressed and angry, and somehow sad, when her gaze landed on Remus.

“Remus,” she greeted him with a curt nod, that was not unfriendly, but then she focused on Dumbledore immediately, “Albus. You should come down to immediately,” her tone was urgent, something had happened; something bad. Remus had a lump in his gut all of the sudden. He had a feeling what might have happened and Professor McGonagall confirmed his suspicions almost immediately. “Apparently Severus _let it slip_ in front of his students why Professor Lupin had looked ill yesterday.”

Minerva sounded as if she was barely able to contain her anger. Remus, on the other side was used to Severus proving his ill character. He had done nothing else in the last twenty-four hours. He felt a content smile slipping onto his face. After a day and night of worst-case scenarios this felt like a minor inconvenience, “Of course. What a regrettable mishap.”

Professor McGonagall looked at him as if he had gone crazy, “Remus.”

He felt like laughing suddenly. All the stress of the last day was dissolving into nothing. He gave her a smile and addressed Dumbledore, “We had agreed that I would not return anyway. The exams are done. I will just head home earlier. More time for vacation.”

“Remus,” McGonagall seemed to be still concerned for his well-being. He gave her a smile. He was alright. This ranked low on the worst things that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. She shook her head.

Dumbledore smiled as well, “I think this will be best. I will head down now, to take care of this,” with these words he left Remus and Professor McGonagall alone.

“Remus, I don’t understand,” McGonagall said, when Dumbledore had left. He had closed the door behind him, probably knowing that Minerva would want to talk to Remus as well.

Remus gave her a smile. He really was fine, she needn’t worry, “How much do you know of what happened last night?” he asked.

“The headmaster woke me up after everything had happened. He explained to me what Sirius had told him. You saw Mr. Pettigrew as well?”

Remus nodded, “I did. He…he admitted to everything. Said he had been scared. He has apparently been thinking that Voldemort would take over anyway and that he needed to secure himself a place in this new order.”

“He was a coward,” Minerva said and her tone echoed Remus’. There were disappointment and disgust present in her voice, “He framed Sirius for his own crimes and stayed a rat for over a decade so he would not have to face the consequences of his actions.” Remus stayed quiet. He could not come up with another answer than a nod.

“I cannot believe Peter Pettigrew was secretly an Animagus,” Minerva continued, “He was one of the worst students I ever taught Transfiguration.”

Remus scoffed at that, “He was an Animagus from our fifth year here.”

She shook her head, “Potter and Black, I am not surprised. By their insubordination maybe – although not really, to be honest. It sounds like something they would do,” Remus could hear a trace of pride in her voice. She had taught them Transfiguration, it had been Sirius’ favorite subject, he had excelled in it, Peter though, “Pettigrew could not even take my NEWT class after his disastrous OWLs. Still, he was an Animagus.”

“He was,” Remus said lacking in a better response.

Professor McGonagall shook her head, “I would have never expected this. I am glad to know the truth now, though. It was hard to think I had been wrong about Sirius Black.”

“Yes,” Remus said, now not lacking in words anymore, but unable to contain his feelings. Professor McGonagall had said what he had been feeling all along. He had known that they had felt similarly – even though to different extends – about Sirius, but they had never openly talked about it. There had not been a chance to do so, also because they had both felt bad about it probably. Now there was no more need to keep quiet – at least not just between the two of them. Minerva seemed to think the same. She hugged him, which was a first. But it was nice. It was short and firm and it said everything that needed to be said.

“So, you had already resigned, did I understand this right?”

“Yes,” Remus answered, “last night has only shown that I am risking lives with being here. Also Hermione Granger will not be the only one eventually figuring out what is wrong with me. I think Luna Lovegood already has the same theory, even though I am fairly sure she would not tell anyone.”

Minerva sighed. She knew, she would not be able to argue against him and really, what difference would it make, now, that everyone knew about his lycanthropy anyway. “What do you plan to do now?”

This was a question Remus did not know how to answer. He had not given this much thought yet, as he had only resigned this morning. He shrugged in answer, “I don’t know. I will visit my parents, I think, and then figure it out from there.”

Professor McGonagall nodded then she frowned as if deep in thought, “A former student of mine wrote to me a while ago. She is writing a school book on transfiguration right now and is in need of a lector. Would you mind me giving her a recommendation to contact you?”

“I,” Remus was unsure what to say, “I would be very glad for such a recommendation, but I doubt she will want to work with a werewolf. I imagine the fact will become public knowledge tomorrow. Students are probably writing their parents right now.”

Professor McGonagall seemed unimpressed by his words, “She asked for a recommendation and I do not know anyone more suitable. Well except for a certain fugitive convict,” she joked and Remus smiled at her.

“Thank you,” he said. This day turned out to be way better than he had hoped. Of course, the best case scenario had not played out – but when did it ever? Still, Sirius was still alive, more people knew – and believed – the truth, he had lost his job but had probably found another; the children were alright. He had reasons to smile. It was nice.

“It’s a pleasure to me,” Professor McGonagall assured him. She smiled as well, “I should probably head down as well. I wanted to check up on my students. Also, it is a Hogsmeade day, so Mr. Filch will be happy about some help.”

Remus nodded, “I should start packing. And send some notice to my parents that I will be home later today. Goodbye, Professor.”

“Remus, you can call me Minerva, I already told you that,” she said with her strict-but-amused smile that Remus could remember from his schooldays, from her scolding Sirius and James, “Also I hope you do not isolate yourself like before. It will be nice to hear from you from time to time.”

“Of course,” Remus said with a sheepish smile, “thank you again.”

“It’s not a problem, like I said,” McGonagall assured him and she squeezed his arm again and then she left him with a nice feeling. He looked after her for a moment then turned towards his room to start and pack.

***

Remus had most of his belongings packed together by the time noon came around. He had heard the students leaving for Hogsmeade and there would probably be only a few of them sitting at the lunch tables this day but he would not go down and risk confrontation. He thought about slipping down to the kitchen, when there was a knock on his door. It was Hagrid.

“Come in, Hagrid, please,” Remus asked him and offered him a seat. Hagrid had brought food with him.

“The elves said ter give yer their best, they’ll miss ye,” he mumbled while setting down the tablet on Remus’ almost empty desk. Remus did not know what to say. He had not expected the elves to like him that much, actually. Hagrid seemed to be able to read his thoughts, “They like ye, the little guys. Say yer the nicest teachah, visiting often and such…”

Remus smiled at him kindly, “I am sure they like you all the same or even more, Hagrid.” Remus set up the table, there was soup, bread and pie – all Remus’ favorite. He felt so cherished in this moment, it was hard to process.

“Don’t say that,” Hagrid grumbled and Remus saw the blush on the other man’s cheeks. It was so endearing, “I’m a giant, though. They’re scared of me, sometimes. Can’t blame’em, really.”

“Well, I’m a werewolf, so there’s that,” Remus answered, but his tone was friendly. He couldn’t stand Hagrid belittling himself like that. Still, he knew that if Hagrid was in this special mood, there was not much that could get him out of it. So, Remus changed the topic, “I heard that Buckbeak got away last night. Are you in a bad mood, because you celebrated with too much fire whiskey?”

Hagrid snorted at that, “I’m inna bad mood, ‘cause the Ministry’s stupid. Firing you is just one more thing, ye know? I’m happy ‘bout Beaky, though. Didn’t deserve what they were gonna do to’im. Deserves his freedom.”

“Yes, he did. I am happy he got away,” Remus said, unsure of how much Hagrid knew of the events of the night prior, “and I was not fired. I had already resigned, so this is not too much of an inconvenience. I will just leave earlier.” Remus smiled at Hagrid to show him he was okay, but Hagrid was too busy with being surprised, it seemed.

“Ye quit? Why? Ain’t ya happy here? Thought ye liked being here, the teaching and stuff,” Hagrid asked, frantically.

“I did,” Remus affirmed, “but I am also a risk to the students. And it was only a matter of time, before someone would find out. Hermione already had, but she didn’t say anything.”

“Course she did, clever girl, ain’t she?” Hagrid responded and Remus hoped this had been it, but Hagrid continued to question him, “But yer no risk to the children, yer the nicest guy and jus’ ‘cause you turn into a wolf once a month. I mean, ye didn’t eat nothin’ las’ night’ did ya?”

“No but I turned into a wolf last night, while on the grounds. With students near me. And I cannot guarantee that it will not happen again,” Remus said with more force now. Hagrid looked at him with widened eyes, “I could have hurt one of them. Killed them or turned them. So I resigned this morning.”

It was quiet for a moment, Remus dipped bread in his soup just to have something else to do than look at Hagrid, who was silently staring at him.

“So, Black was here yesterday? ‘scaped again?” Hagrid asked after a moment.

Remus nodded, “How much do you know about that?”

“Not much. Haven’t talked to Dumbledore yet. He’s gonna tell me, I guess.”

“Yeah, well,” Remus thought for a moment. He wanted to tell Hagrid, at least some of what had happened last night. He was sure that Dumbledore would do the same and really, who was he to keep this from Hagrid. He was Remus’ friend. He had been James’ and Lily’s and Sirius’ friend, “Sirius is innocent, Hagrid.”

“What?” Hagrid stared at him, dumbfounded, for a second. Then he frowned. He was waiting for Remus to explain, so Remus told him what had happened the night before, without much detail, though. He did not mention Sirius probably escaping with Buckbeak. Hagrid had to believe in Sirius’ innocence before he would be able to accept, that his Hippogriff was now with him.

“So, Peter Pettigrew’s still alive,” Hagrid summarized, when Remus had ended. Remus nodded, “and the lotta ye saw him last night. And he was the one to betray Lily an’ James.”

“Yes,” Remus answered.

“Well, I’ll have ter get used ter this. But good for ye,” Hagrid said. Remus looked at him surprised. Hagrid smiled, “well, yer didn’ think I didn’ kno yer still in love with’im like in yer school days, did ya?”

“I,” Remus was at a loss of words for a moment, before he regained some of his posture, “I wasn’t sure you knew in the first place,” he said finally. Hagrid laughed loudly now.

“The two of ye weren’t as subtle as ye thought ye were,” he said. Remus smiled sheepishly, “Also,” Hagrid continued, “both of ye told me ‘bout yer feelings for another while drunk. I guessed ye’d figure it out sometime along the way.”

“I,” Remus was not sure what to say – again. He could not remember such a conversation and he had never talked about it with Sirius, “when was that?”

“Some time in yer fourth year, I think, with Sirius. You were later. Sixth year? I dunno. Not sure,” Hagrid answered, bemused. Remus knew he was blushing. It had been a long time since this had happened.

“We were already together in sixth year,” he admitted and Hagrid laughed again.

“Yeah, ye told me ye were _so in love with ‘im_ ,” Hagrid mimicked Remus tone and did a half-decent job. Remus could feel the blush spreading, “It was cute, ye know? ‘Twas a shame it didn’ end well. Maybe ye got some new chance now.”

Remus sighed, “We’ll see. He’s still on the run. He’ll have to hide. The Ministry will not exonerate him on behalf of me and some students that are believed to have been confounded by him. Snape made sure that no one will believe our story without finding Peter and to find him now…”

“He,” Hagrid said, dissatisfied with the hopelessness showing in Remus’ voice, “don’t ye give up. We’ll find a way, ye’ll see. Dumbledore’s on yer side, right? ‘Twill be alright.”  
Remus gave him half a smile, the most he could muster up at this point.

“Good,” Hagrid said then he pushed his own bowl of soup towards Remus, “now, eat. Ye need some flesh on yer bones or yer mother will think we let you hunger.”

Remus snorted, but he took the soup. He forgot regularly that Hagrid knew his mother. They had been in the same grade at Hogwarts all those years ago. Remus knew, though, that Hope still wrote him Christmas and birthday cards. Hagrid had showed him once; he had all of them in a stack, bound together with some wire.

“She’ll find me too thin and scrawny, no matter how much I eat,” Remus said and Hagrid smiled, “that’s how she is. She says the same about my dad and he gained ten pounds last year.”

“She’s always worrying ‘bout everyone, nothin’ new, right?” Hagrid answered, smiling as well, “Did ya know, she wrote me ‘cause of Beaky? Ye told her, right?”  
Remus looked at him. He was not all that surprised to hear of this, even though he had not known, “I told her about it when I visited for Christmas. I didn’t know she would write, though it makes sense.”

“Yeah,” Hagrid gave him a smile, “wrote that she’s hoping for the best and sent some Brandy. _Ter celebrate or ter get black-out drunk. Whatever I needed._ ”

Remus laughed. His mother did not usually support consuming alcohol, but for festivities and funerals she always had a stack of Brandy and fire whiskey ready. “This sounds like her,” he said then he asked, “Is this what you drank yesterday?”

Hagrid bellowed out a laugh as well, “Yeah. Some good Brandy, yer mum sent.”

“I have to give some credit to my father for this. Mum doesn’t care for alcohol enough to think about what tastes good. That’s my father’s doing,” Remus explained. Hagrid smiled at him.

“Good ol’ Lyall. How’s he doin’?” Hagrid asked and their conversation went on from there. It was pleasant, nice to spend some time with Hagrid, before Remus had to go. They finished their lunch together and were just saying good-bye – Hagrid asking him to keep in contact in the same friendly accusing tone that Professor McGonagall had used – when Professor McGonagall herself knocked on Remus’ door as well.

“Hello Hagrid,” she said and smiled at him, when she saw that Remus had a visitor, “nice to see you here. Remus, the headmaster says he will have a carriage pick you up later in the afternoon. Also, I wanted to inform you that Mr. Potter and his friends were released from the hospital wing just before lunch. They are all well and happy.”

“Thank you,” Remus said and Hagrid seemed to be happy to hear these news as well.

“No problem,” Minerva said, then she said goodbye again and left, seemingly not wanting to linger. Remus was thankful for that. He did not like goodbyes very much. He planned to leave before any more people could corner him into fare-wells. Hagrid, though, did not care for how awful goodbyes felt. He sniffed a bit and enclosed Remus in a tight hug that left Remus breathless for a moment.

“Don’ be a stranger,” he said and Remus nodded, “show yer face sometimes. Yer always welcome here, ye know? And tell Sirius I’m sorry if ya giv'n the chance.”

Remus did not know how to respond to that, so he just nodded and mumbled a good-bye. Hagrid seemed to understand. He picked up the tray from Remus’ desk and left, leaving Remus with the rest of his packing.

He had almost finished when there was another visitor. This time it was Harry, who knocked on Remus’ office’s door that was still open. Remus looked over to him and gave him a sign to come in. He had seen Harry coming, because he was again leaning over the Marauder’s map. Had Harry not come to him, Remus would have tried to find him to give him back the Cloak – and also the map. James and Sirius would want Harry to have it and now that Remus was no longer a teacher at Hogwarts he did not feel all too bad about handing it back.

Harry was outraged that Remus was packing, not understanding why, “The Ministry of Magic don’t think you were working with Sirius, do they?”

Remus shot Harry a look, heading over to the door and closing it. This was a conversation they should not have with the door open.

“No,” he said then and explained that Dumbledore had convinced Fudge that Remus had not been aiding and abetting Sirius. He had to tell Harry, though, that it had been Severus’ indiscretion that had given Remus’ lycanthropy away. He did not want to pit Harry against Snape, though. The animosity between the both of them was bad enough already, Remus did not want to make it worse. He borrowed the phrase from Professor McGonagall and said that Snape had _let it slip_. Harry was still furious, refusing to see this as a good enough reason for Remus to resign.

Remus sighed, “Believe me; no parent will want a werewolf teaching their kids. I cannot blame them, especially after last night. To be perfectly honest, I had already decided not to come back next year, even before the news had been delivered that Severus had told on me.”

Now, this, Harry could not understand at all. Also, he exclaimed, Remus was the best Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts that Harry had ever had. Remus knew that his rivals for this title were not equals and still, this compliment made Remus throat tighten. He had to swallow hard to get it down, unable to speak for a moment. He searched his mind for a topic he could change their conversation to and finally he came up with something. So, he had Harry tell him about his Patronus. He already knew most of this from Professor Dumbledore but it was nice to give Harry the chance to tell him himself. He had recognized the stag as such and had theorized that this was why James had been called Prongs. Remus confirmed his theory.

During their conversation Remus had finally finished packing. All he had to do now was close his case and wait for his carriage to arrive. Oh and – he turned to Harry and gave him back his belongings, the cloak and the map. Harry took both with a smile and a ‘thanks’. Then he asked Remus about something he had told the boy weeks ago.

“You told me Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would’ve wanted to lure me out of school…you said they would’ve thought it was funny,” Harry seemed unsure how to ask his question, but Remus understood either. The boy really only wanted to hear about James and his friends. He had only yesterday learned how close Remus had been to his father and now Remus was already leaving. Remus felt bad for him and for himself. He wanted to tell him everything. But their time was short.

Remus pondered how to answer for a moment then he decided to just tell him the simplest version of the truth. For everything else, they had later; an undefined later sometime in the future; hopefully with Sirius present.

Before Harry could’ve asked any more questions there was another knock on the door. It was Professor Dumbledore, telling Remus that his carriage was waiting for him at the gates. Remus took all his belongings – his case and the tank he had put the creatures for his lessons in – and gave both Harry and the headmaster a short good-bye. He really did not like saying farewell. He hoped to hear from both of them soon, though. With a last look back he took the staircase to his left, leaving his office behind, knowing Harry to be in good care.

***

His mother was waiting for Remus when he stepped out of the chimney at his parents’ place, seemingly ready to embrace him in her love. He did not feel half as bad as she had apparently been expecting. He was tired though, it was the side effects of both his transition and the Wolfsbane therapy he had not done completely. He stayed awake long enough to assure his mum that he was inherently fine – everything else he would explain tomorrow. She let him go to sleep and he fell into a dreamless sleep the moment his head hit the pillow.

The next day Remus parents both stayed home. When he came down around eight in the morning to get some breakfast – and also to face them – he had slept for twelve hours and evaded their questions for long enough. Hope and Lyall Lupin were sitting at the set breakfast table, waiting for their son to join them.

“Tea?” his mother asked and filled a cup for Remus, leaving just enough room so he could add a minimal amount of milk to the Earl Grey.

“Thank you,” he said and sat down opposite of her, his father to his left.

“How are you, Remus?” his father asked cautiously. Remus gave him an honest smile, because he could and also because it was the only way to disperse his worries.

“I am fine. A bit tired, but not more so than usually,” he said, taking a sip of his tea. Hope started to cut slices of bread from the loaf and passing them to her husband and son. Remus nibbled on the crust before spreading some butter and strawberry jam on his bread.

“Did anything happen, then? You are back early,” his mother asked. Remus nodded, trying to decide how to bring up everything – anything – that had happened in the last few days. He was aided by the _Daily Prophet_ arriving via owl. As per usual the bird landed on the window sill and waited for Lyall to stick a coin into the socket it carried around its ankle. Then, it let the newspaper fall into Remus’ father’s hand.

“A lot of things happened,” Remus answered his mother but looking at his father, who was staring at the front-page splash, “I’m sure some of them you will find in the _Daily Prophet_ today.”

Hope’s head turned towards her husband as well, asking him silently to read out. He did, “‘ _MASS MURDER SIRIUS BLACK ESCAPED MINISTRY’S GRASP AGAIN: After having been apprehended and detained by Ministry officials on the Hogwarts school grounds late on Thursday evening, Black has managed to flee again. He had been first detained by a Professor of the school after attacking Harry Potter and two other students as well as one person of the staff._ ’” Lyall stopped reading out loud and looked up at his son.

Hope was apparently trying to decide whether to look at Remus or Lyall. She was shocked either way asking, “Remus, what in Merlin’s name has been going on?”

He sighed, setting his bread down on his plate, “This is a long story,” he warned his parents, but both were impatient to hear it. Not impatient enough not to interrupt him though.

“Please tell me it wasn’t you who apprehended him. Or the one who was attacked. You are not hurt, are you?”

“No, mum. I am not hurt. Sirius did not attack me. He also did not attack Harry and his friends it’s-” Remus now interrupted himself, because his parents were staring at him incredulously. He sighed again. He had to start differently, “Sirius is innocent. Don’t ask how this is possible, you will understand it once I am finished, alright?”

They listened to him. He talked for more than half an hour, starting with how he had seen Peter’s name on the Marauder’s Map – leaving out where the map came from, it would have derailed his story too much – and how he had followed the children to the Shrieking Shackle. He explained why Sirius was innocent and how they had tried and succeeded in convincing Harry, Hermione and Ron of this fact. Remus also explained that it was probably Severus Snape who was the teacher who had detained Sirius according to the newspaper. He explained that he had forgotten to take his last dose of Wolfsbane and that by the time he had woken up from his transition Sirius had already been fugitive again.

“Dumbledore believed Sirius, when he told him the truth. The Minister did not believe anything else than what is now the official story, I estimate. Dumbledore has been able to convince him that I have not been working with Sirius, though,” he ended his accounts of Thursday night.

“Did he have to let you go because of this?” Hope asked after Remus’ parents had stayed silent for a few moments, processing what he had told them. Remus frowned at her, mostly out of surprise. She saw his face and explained, “I guessed you were let go, because you returned so early.”

Remus gave her a smile. It would have not been the first time he had been unexpectedly left go. “No, I resigned. I could not risk to stay close to so many people after it has gone so horribly wrong.”

“Remus,” Lyall spoke up, but Remus interrupted him immediately.

“It is alright, dad. Don’t you two worry; I could not have stayed anyway. It has not made the front page, because so much else happened at the same time but it is also now common knowledge at the school that I am a werewolf.”

“What? How did people find out?” Hope asked, genuinely shocked.

Remus sighed, but he still smiled. All in all the last week had not been bad, it had just entailed a lot of bad things, “Severus was apparently so busy with his spite, that he forgot not to tell anyone,” he explained with more amusement than he actually felt, “but there were already a few students I was sure who had found out. They just did have the decency not to ask and not to tell. It doesn’t matter all that much, really,” his parents did not seem convinced so he told them – even though he was a bit scared of jinxing it – that “Professor McGonagall is going to recommend me to a former student of her for a lecturing job. We’ll see how this turns out.”

“So you are alright?” Lyall asked. Remus nodded.

“I am, for the first time in years, I feel pretty good,” he said. His parents both smiled at him. He smiled, too. Then he changed the topic, “Now that we surprisingly all have a day off, what are we doing?”

His parents took the hint without resistance. He did not want to talk about Sirius or anything job-related for the time being. They left it alone for a while, instead planning an impromptu trip to the shore near Aberystwyth. It wasn’t too far from where they were living and it held some meaning for Remus’ parents because they had danced together for the first time on a birthday party of a shared friend on the pier there. The weather was perfect for an outing, they took food with them to do a picnic there and it was just _nice_. Remus felt like he was being rewarded for getting through the last few days. He told himself he deserved it after the long period of suffering he had endured. His parents seemed to think the same. The three of them spent the day planning their summer holiday in the Lake District and discussing book choices. Remus felt unburdened for the day and his parents seemed to enjoy seeing him so happy. He was, too.

His mother asked Remus about Sirius again the day after. Remus had stayed home the whole day while his parents were at work. He had read a book that had been waiting for him for months then he had cooked his parents’ favorite stew. It was another good day.

Around noon he had taken the time to read what the _Daily Prophet_ had written. There was not much about him in the article about Sirius, he was not even named, which was good. His name had been given in an article on page seven titled _Hogwarts Professor Let Go after Parents Voice Misgivings_. He was surprised they had not titled with his lycanthropy but he really, did not want to complain. They had written in cold print that ‘Remus Lupin, 33, former Hogwarts Professor, had been let go because parents were concerned for the safety of their children, given that he was a werewolf’. Now, everyone was able to read this up, if they were searching for information on Remus.

At least it had not been front page news. At least it had not titled with his condition – there were still those people who only ever read the headlines. Being let go was not a shame, it happened. What felt bad was that Remus would never be able to know whether someone he met would already know about him or not. Potentially everyone was in the know now, but probably only a few people. When his mother came home – as expected about an hour before her husband – Remus had already digested what he had read. It was okay, it would be. He always found a way and he would continue to do so.

Hope Lupin began her after-work routine with a cup of her favorite tea and some reading or – if someone was around – a pleasant talk. Her idea of such a conversation differed from Remus’ inherently. Mostly though, this was because she did not talk about herself at all but only asked about Remus. This day, though, he had been prepared for this. He had known that this was coming all day. It was nice, somehow. Nicer than usual.

“You seem content,” she started and Remus knew it was meant as a question. She wanted him to tell her as much as he liked, but preferably everything. It was one of the mantras Remus knew from his childhood and adolescence.

“I am,” he answered. He did have all day to prepare for this conversation and yet he had not been able to decide what and how much to tell his mother. So he wanted her to ask, it would be easier to decide from question to question than it would be to monologue about his heart’s state all on his own, “Ask away, mum, please.”

“To what extend did you have the chance to talk to Sirius?” she asked. Remus nodded, understanding why she wanted to start there. He knew that his parents had believed him, everything he had told them about Sirius being innocent. Still, they had questions left, of course. He could not blame them. They readily believed him; he imagined they were as happy about this development as he was. Maybe not quite as much, but this was circumstantial. Nobody was as happy about Sirius turning out to be innocent as him.

“We only saw each other in the presence of Harry and his friends, so we did not talk much. But I think the most important things were said. I hope he will be in touch, I don’t expect this to be soon, though,” Remus answered honestly.

“What does this mean for you?” Hope asked further.

Remus sighed, “It means that I will be waiting to hear from him.”

“Do you think he will come here? He knows we trust you. We would take him in,” Remus’ mother offered and he knew this offer was genuine, but he shook his head vehemently.

“He wouldn’t do that. Enough people know about our connection and I just earned a lot of mistrust by being publicly outed as a werewolf. He would not want to risk it, but I am sure he’d appreciate the sentiment, mum,” Remus explained. Hope nodded understandingly.

“Do you have any idea where he is?”

Remus shook his head again, “I guess he will show himself somewhere far away soon, so that the Ministry will stop looking for him here. They still do not know about his Animagus form, so that is good.”

“Do you think he will try to find Peter again?” Hope asked after letting Remus’ words sink in for a moment. Remus frowned. He had not really thought about this before. Finding Peter was the only way to undoubtedly prove Sirius’ innocence but Peter was evasive. Sirius had only been able to find him once, because he had already known where Peter was. It would be a miracle if they found him again.

“No, I don’t think so,” Remus answered and he knew his tone was sad, “which means that he will stay a fugitive for the foreseeable future. What that will entail I do not know. We will figure it out should there be something to figure out together.”

“It’s easier to miss him, now that you know he is innocent, is it not?” His mother smiled at Remus. He smiled back, “It is.”

***

The first days of Remus’ unemployment felt like a vacation. He stayed with his parents, did the household chores while they were working, getting ahead on his reading list and just hanging around. He cooked often tried out recipes he had always wanted to try. Those days were nice but they were not infinite. After a few of them he started to feel restless – and useless.

He needed to find a new job, who could know that Professor McGonagall’s efforts would not be in vain? He dreaded looking for a job though. Every possible new employer would probably know his name from the _Daily Prophet_. And if they did, they also knew about his lycanthropy. His mum tried to promote the idea of searching for a job in the Muggles’ world – again. She had tried to get him to find an occupation outside of the wizarding community for years. What held Remus back from following through with this idea was that he couldn’t imagine Muggle jobs to be any more flexible. Remus needed a job that would allow him to stay at home for at least the three days surrounding the night of the full moon. Also the job should not involve too much human contact, because Remus did not know much about the Muggles’ world. Also, his scars had scared off potential employers before. He had a hard time imagining that Muggles took his scars more lightly than wizards.

Maybe he was being stupid. Maybe the Muggles’ world was just waiting for him as a potential employee. But he did not want to try. He felt like this would mean giving up on the chance to live in the Wizarding world. He did not want to leave it behind, even though there were many people who did not welcome him there. It was his home after all, his heritage. He did not want to give it up.

So, instead of searching for mundane jobs, Remus studied the _Daily Prophet_ every day, not only for news – mostly of Sirius – but also for job offerings. He saw an ad for the open position as teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. It gave him a bitter feeling. He had loved this job.

He had not found anything suitable for him in the job ads when he got a letter on a Thursday morning from a person whose name he did not recognize. He opened it curiously. Whatever he had expected it to be, he got surprised by its words.

_Dear Mr. Lupin,_

_my name is Azelma Garrisson and I am writing to you after reading about your condition in the_ Daily Prophet. _Please, don’t feel offended by my directness but I find it hard to sweet talk what in my situation.  
I am very happy to have read of you, because my wife and I have been searching for a tutor for our daughter Elise for more than a year now. Elise, as well as my wife, shares your condition which makes her unable to attend Hogwarts. Unfortunately neither me nor my wife are well-equipped enough to educate her beyond the basics. Now, as you have been a teacher at Hogwarts I am sure you are a good teacher – I trust in Professor Dumbledore’s abilities to find adequate teachers. You can certainly imagine that our search is complicated by Elise’s condition. Not many people are unafraid to encounter my daughter, even though she is the sweetest girl. She is twelve years old and incredibly curious. She wants to learn about everything, momentarily being forced to learn auto-didactically, which is only partly successful._

_If you are interested in our offer, please contact us.  
We will be happy to hear from you._

_Kindest regards, Azelma Garrisson_

Remus could hardly believe it. So long did he have trouble finding any job, because of his condition and now, that it had become public knowledge, there was a job offer coming to him _prompted_ by the fact he was a werewolf. He stared at the letter for a minute then read it again. He was obviously interested. But he was unsure how to proceed. After all, Professor McGonagall had recommended him as well – and someone who asked her for a recommendation had to know, that she would not give these easily. Also, someone she deemed worthy to recommend someone to had to be at least decent enough not to exclude Remus from consideration just because of his lycanthropy.

He didn’t want to let family Garrisson wait, though. Having a lycanthropic kid was hard enough for parents, especially if they could not find schooling for their child. Remus had been very lucky and both his parents and the staff at Hogwarts at the time had been very brave.

It was uncommon for children like he had been one to visit school. Most wizard-werewolf kids stayed loners, recluses; because they carried a stigma; because people deemed them dangerous. Because the society they grew up in was discriminatory of something, they had not been able to influence. People did not _want_ to become werewolves. Especially children were either _born_ into lycanthropy, which at least meant that they had a support system in their werewolf family. Or they were attacked and traumatized enough to then have to experience lifelong discrimination. It was a shame.

The Garrisson family had apparently not been as brave or maybe just not as lucky. Even though people did not know it was possible - because they did not care and they did not ask – Remus actually had less problems with his transitions than other werewolves had. Of course it was painful, awful, in-humane. Still, he had only a few days of nausea and physical discomfort accompanying the full moon. Other lycanthropes had it worse. Sometimes the condition also came with an immune insufficiency. Maybe this was the reason Elise did not go to school. Maybe taking Wolfsbane was not an option for her. Remus was sure that Dumbledore would have taken her in if he could as he had done with Remus.

Looking back, Remus was very happy this had worked out as well as it had. His parents had been able to send him somewhere save, where people took care of him through the bad times, where he met people his age, socialized, learned. Remus had become a recluse after all, but this had been mostly caused by the fact that all of his friends had been killed, incarcerated or incomprehensible. But Remus had become a hermit by circumstance; he still knew how to talk to people. He was not shy; he was not scared; he was just alone. He wasn’t anymore. He didn’t need to be. Circumstances had changed. Remus was looking into a better future, a future filled with more people and new occupancies. The future was full of possibilities; tutoring a werewolf kid, lecturing a book. He didn’t know what sounded more appealing.

Also, he still did not know what to answer or if he should answer at all, at least for now. Eventually he did decide: As long as he was not even sure if it was the right idea to answer and as long as he did not know what to answer, he should not write his response. The Garrissons needed a clear answer, because anything else would be cruel. They needed clarity and security. This was what his family had needed.

He put the letter away – physically – but his mind stayed with it, so he told his parents about it at dinner that night. They were thrilled, his mother more so than his father, because that was how it was. Hope was, well, hopeful. Remus’ father sometimes called her naïve, but she did not change. It was nice. She was so positive. She was looking forward to Remus being a tutor, “I think you would really like it. Think about it. You are great at explaining things and you can focus on just one person who needs and wants to learn.” She had said almost the exact same thing when he had gotten the offer to work at Hogwarts. Remus’ father simply said that he understood his hesitancy. He was positive that the family would understand that he could not decide this in a whiff. Still, Remus noticed that he smiled to himself a lot that night. He was surely happy that there were perspectives open for Remus; that doors kept opening, not only closing. Secretly, Lyall Lupin was wishing he could be as positive as his wife.

Days passed and Remus still had not heard from Professor McGonagall’s contact – she had never given Remus a name, so he did not even know what to expect. He felt increasingly bad not answering the Garrisson family’s letter. Except for this, his days were good, though. He escaped the confinements of his parents’ house now fairly often to spend time in the garden. His father had always enjoyed gardening and he had told Remus about everything he knew. Now, summer was really beginning and Remus spent his days enjoying the sun and the plants and everything was so alive. It felt beautiful again, and the beauty was no longer mocking him. Looking back on the past few years Remus only now realized how depressed he had been during that time. He was happy this had come to an end.

So did his parents. Remus noticed changes in their behavior as well. They seemed less worried; they seemed more relaxed around him. They asked all kinds of questions now, apparently no longer scared that they would trigger something in him. His mother, for example, asked about the Animagus thing – “Isn’t it poetic that Sirius is a dog. You are of similar kin, as humans and in your other forms,” she mused – and scolded Remus partially playful, partially serious, for never telling them. She also made Remus tell her how he had come into possession of a map that showed everyone present on the school grounds. It was a kind of surreal experience, admitting to the misconducts of his youth fifteen years later. Remus’ mother was shocked to hear of the Marauders’ adventures.

“Well, I understand why you did not tell me back then,” she commented, when he had ended his explanations of the Marauders’ Map, “how did you become a prefect, son, with all of this going on?”

“We were never found out,” Remus answered without thinking. His mother gasped and then she laughed out loud. Remus laughed with her, sheepishly, “Well, of course that’s not true for every occasion. But Sirius and James used to take the fall for me.”

“That’s very honorable,” his mum said with a certain smile on her face. It was the same smile Remus’ had been used to see on her face when Sirius was around; when they were being couple-y. His mum had loved that “for the simple reason that I like to see you happy. And that’s what he makes you, isn’t it?” Back then Remus had blushed furiously. This was not happening anymore, it had luckily been part of adolescence and also caused by the freshness of his feelings. Now, his feelings were old. They had survived years; hard years. He still loved Sirius and he knew that Sirius could still make him happy. He just hoped that there would be the possibility for them to try this out.

Remus kept getting surprises sent to him by post.

Two weeks after he had arrived at his parents' place he got a letter from Luna Lovegood. She had apparently received the reviewed copy of her exam essay. She said thank you and she told him she would miss him as a teacher. Her letter showed the same intensity of character that a personal conversation with her held as well and this was especially lovely to Remus.

_I imagine that you get much unfriendly letters after the Daily Prophet wrote such things about you. I hope that you don't spend them too much mind. What does the reporting of this newspaper mean to people who know what is really happening in the world? Aren't those who matter the ones who knew the truth all along? I think you should have stayed here at the school but I can see that most people would not agree with me. I hope you are well._

_With the kindest regards,_

_Luna Lovegood_

_P.S. You will probably hear from my father soon. He wants to publish an issue of the Quibbler soon that deals with were-people._

Even though her post-scriptum left Remus quite clueless, he was very happy about Luna's letter. Her words made him smile and her positive attitude, expressing her hope for his future, it was so endearing.

She was right; Remus had gotten a lot of unkind letters in the past two weeks. Not as much as he had feared that there would be but enough to help him fire up the chimney every other day. Remus was fairly lucky that except for Sirius the Black family had died out, at least name-wise. Sirius' three cousins were still alive.

Bellatrix had married Rodolphus Lestrange, a passionate follower of Voldemort. Both of them were incarcerated in Azkaban, because they had killed and tortured people during the first Wizarding War. She was the person responsible for Alice and Frank Longbottom's state.

Narcissa had married a pureblood-man as well and was now mother to Draco Malfoy, wife to Lucius. She had done well, staying 'neutral' during the war which actually meant: there had been no proof that she or her husband had supported Voldemort, but it was common knowledge that they shared much of the same values.

Andromeda had married a muggle-born. It had been a scandal back in their youth - Andromeda was a few years older than Sirius and Remus - when her family had declared her dead to them. Ted Tonks, Andromeda's husband was the nicest and most decent of the three sisters' husbands by any standards but those of the Black family. Andromeda's and Ted's daughter - Nymphadora - was one of the Aurors looking into Sirius' most recent escape. The colleague working with her was Kingsley Shacklebolt, Professor Dumbledore had informed Remus. This meant Remus was sure, that they had been informed by Dumbledore about the forlornness of their efforts and the story of Sirius' innocence.

Kingsley had been a member of the Order that had worked against Voldemort and the Death Eaters during the first Wizarding war. Nymphadora had been too young back then and because of that fact Andromeda had only been associated with them and not a full member. Remus had met her once, though, when she had offered her house to the order as a safe house. Remus had only been there for a few hours, waiting for Sirius to return from a mission but apparently Andromeda remembered him well. 

She had sent Remus a letter as well, cautiously expressing her thoughts. Remus had hesitated to open it, because it had been secured with a spell when it arrived on his window sill. People only sealed their letters if they held secrets or jinxes. He only decided to open it, because she had signed her name on the envelope. He still felt insecure when he started reading though. 

_Remus,_

_I have read the article in the Daily Prophet and I want to say I am sorry for what you have to go through. I know from Minerva that you have been an exceptional teacher to the students at Hogwarts this year and I hope that you will find a way to compensate for the loss of this job._

_Please don't read any further if you feel I am invading. I don't want to do that and I do not want to cause you any harm or hurt. I don't want to insinuate anything but I know from Albus Dumbledore that you met Sirius the night of his most recent escape. From what I know about you, you are not light of heart and I cannot imagine you stopped loving him despite what he had allegedly done._

_I have always felt too insecure to tell you that I did never believe him to be a traitor. He was the only other member of my family who was actually a decent human being and he held James, Lily and you so dear, I could not imagine him even risking your lives, least playing a role in ending it. I have not written to you, though, because - as you can possibly imagine - I did not want to appear as a accomplice, our blood relation had made it not improbable and with the involvement of my sisters in the war I did not want to take risks that could have destroyed my family life. Also I thought you innocent and did not want to put you into the position to seem accomplice. Prejudices would have made it impossible for you to rehabilitate from that._

_So, it took me over a decade to contact you, but now I want to tell you: I am here, should you need a place to go or someone to listen. I hope I will be able to send my cousin the same message and I hope he will accept my offer. I am positive we will find a way to bring him back._

_I hope to hear from you soon._

_Until then I am sending my kindest regards._

_Andromeda Tonks_

The tone of her letter was sincere and her words fit the image Remus still carried in his mind of her. He had only met her once, but he knew Sirius had been keeping in contact with her in the years after her 'exile' from the family. One reason was that he had wanted to piss off his parents; the other was that she was an idol to him. She had shown him that it was possible to end the toxic relationships that were common in his family. She up and left for love and because she did not share the beliefs of the Black family. Years later Sirius did the same. Love was not as strong a motive or not as prominently, because Remus' and his relationship had been secret from beginning to end. After their graduation, after cutting all ties towards the toxic people they did have to keep the secret from, when they had joined the order, they had not tried as hard to hide it, though.

Remus was not surprised that Andromeda had known, even though he could not remember if Sirius had ever told her. They had not been especially subtle back then, when they had stayed at her place this once. Remus could remember this night very well.

_*_

_They had both had a mission, but not together. Sirius was with James - it was shortly before Harry's birth, the prophecy had not yet doomed them - surveilling. Remus had been on his way as a messenger, informing members of the order of a future meeting. He had been to the Longbottoms' house last and did have trouble to keep Alice from having him stay for dinner. On his way to the safe house - none of their jobs had been planned as risky but it was a rule at the order to end missions in a safe house, giving report, staying there for a bit then using an undetectable way of transportation to go home._

_Remus had been worrying for Sirius all day; they had not seen each other the day before their missions. Surveilling death eaters was not especially risky as long as one kept a good cover - being a dog was a good cover and Sirius form had been confused for a Grimm before - but it was still dangerous. Death eaters were inherently dangerous and most of them were related to Sirius' family by blood or by state of mind._

_Remus had been close to a panic attack when Sirius arrived not at the appointed time but one and a half hours late. Andromeda had curiously watched him run back and forth in front of her chimney for this time. If he was nervous, he was not able to stay still. Remus had been there for an hour before Sirius was even scheduled to arrive. They had planned to leave together though, so Remus waited. Andromeda and he had spent this first hour with pleasant small talk. Then, when Sirius had not arrived on time they had exchanged theories what had held him back for about fifteen minutes. Then both of them had started to worry._

_In the end Sirius had been 90 minutes late, because a Muggle police man had evicted his motorcycle. Everything had gone well; there had been no immediate danger to Sirius. Remus and Andromeda had still really worried, Sirius needed some time to calm them down._

_He had made it up to Remus later that night, though. After reporting to the order - which meant reporting to Dumbledore essentially - they stayed for another cup of tea, so Sirius could explain what had happened and so Andromeda would stop harassing them about eating something else than breakfast - at some point before Remus had told her that he was unable to cook anything else than breakfast. Sirius was not a better cook but they also had no further culinary needs and if they did they could always get food from some place or another. Andromeda did not accept any excuses. She fed them then sent them on their way._

_They took Sirius' motorbike. The ride back to London had taken them a few hours but the traffic had not been too bad and Remus had enjoyed sitting behind Sirius on the bike, holding onto him. It was calming and after this day's attacks on his nerves it was nice. Soothing._

_So was later when they were lying in bed, Sirius' hand tangled in Remus' hair. They were talking about anything but the order, anything but the impeding war._

_"How about we get a dog," Sirius had said and Remus had looked up at him._

_"A dog?"_

_"Yes," Sirius had said, resuming to pet Remus' head. He knew exactly what Remus needed at the end of this day; comfort, intimacy, calmness._

_"What for?" Remus had asked. It was not that he did not like dogs, they were fine. He had never thought about getting any pet though, he did not deem himself able to take care of living beings that would not tell him what they needed. Sirius seemed to think otherwise, or at least he thought he would be able to keep a pet alive._

_Remus was no longer watching Sirius, instead nuzzling back into the embrace, closing his eyes and taking him in with his other senses. He heard a slight, suppressed frown in Sirius' voice though. He was sure, should he look up he would find exactly this expression on Sirius' face, "As a companion. When I'm not here during full moon. It could stay with you; maybe keep you preoccupied so you don't hurt yourself."_

_Remus thought about this for a split second but he decided that any thought through answer would lead to a conversation much less pleasant. He wanted the night to end pleasantly; he wanted to cuddle and fall asleep and not think about anything really important. So he said, "And if it's not full moon it is your companion and you spend all your time as a dog having it favorite you."_

_Sirius tone told Remus that he was smiling, "Of course not, I had not even thought about that."_

_"Yeah, of course you had not."_

_"That's an opprobrious insinuation. I am severely hurt."_

_Remus had smiled at him and pressed a kiss in the crook of Sirius neck. Sirius hummed in contentment._

_He had still spoken up again shortly after, "I am serious, though."_

_"I know you are," Remus had murmured. He could not let the chance to make a pun. Sirius himself did this way too often for Remus not to use it against him from time to time._

_"Oh, shut up, Moony," Sirius had grumbled. Well, he knew he had deserved this answer. His tone changed again, "Think about it, please?"_

_"I will," Remus promised. Soon afterwards they had fallen asleep exchanging opinions on different kind of dogs._

*

This had been a soothing night and the memory was soothing as well, even now.

Remus had to shake free from these memories to get up and answer Andromeda's letter. He thanked her for her words and for thinking of him. He did not know what to write any further though. He wanted to tell her many things but none that could have been conveyed in a letter. In the end, he decided to ask her if he could visit her soon. The owl that had brought the letter was still around; it had been feeding in the owl house in the Lupins' garden. Remus wondered if it had been asked to stay with him until it got an answer. Andromeda would be this incessant, maybe. He was not sure. He sent his answer either way, hoping to hear from her soon. 

***

The letter Remus had actually been waiting for almost fell through. His mother had developed a system to sort the letters that arrived at their house; did they know the name of the person who sent it? Was there an official seal or something akin to be found on the envelope? What did the envelope tell them otherwise? Some letters were discarded by the system at once, when there were slurs scribbled on the envelopes, for example. The others, Remus opened. Most times hate mail – Remus couldn’t believe people deemed him important enough to invest time into sending him hateful messages – started with anything but his name. These days most of the letters that arrived landed in the chimney.

The letter of Constantina Plyth had almost fallen through the system, because Remus had been really tired of sorting letters after spending more than ten minutes on it. He was tired of humanity, really. His mum prevented him from throwing the whole bunch of letters into the fire at once. She took them from him – she had developed a kind of creepy curiosity and interested in who was writing to Remus. He suspected Hope would want to answer them, or at least jot down their names so she could be mean if she ever encountered these people.

“Are you sure you want to throw this out?” she asked after scanning over the words. Remus only made a grumbling noise in response. He was lying on the couch, face down, letting out his frustration by making a list of swear words he would like to call these people. It was a coping mechanism James had developed back in school when he had started to try and be more civil towards Severus. He would lie on his bed at night, writing down what he would have liked to call Snape throughout the day, but didn’t. Sometimes it helped.

“I think you should read this,” Hope Lupin said after a few moments and her tone made Remus look up to her. She sounded light-hearted. With a swish of her wand she had sent the letter towards him, so he sat up and read.

_Dear Remus Lupin,_

_I am writing to you after I received a warm recommendation from Minerva McGonagall endorsing you as a lecturer. I trust her advice and want to assure you that what was written about you in the paper will not influence our cooperation in any way. I am not unsettled by lycanthropy and hope that I will not give you the feeling that I mind._

_I am currently working on a school book on the matter of Transfiguration, concerning higher grade-students. I studied Transfiguration around the world in different international wizarding societies and noticed that the way we were taught in Hogwarts was lacking in certain parts. I would like to provide the professors of the future material to improve their teaching and include such things as the Animagus-Transfiguration, etc. Professor McGonagall ensured me that you would be keen to work on such a book and I hope it meets your academic interests._

_To speak about how I would like to continue the work on this project, I would prefer to meet and talk it through personally. I would suggest some locality in Diagon Alley but I am also willing to travel to another destination if you are unable or unwilling to come to London._

_I am looking forward to hearing from you._

_Sincerely,_

_Constantina Plyth_

“Thanks, mum,” Remus said when he had finished reading, “I would have really regretted throwing this out.”

“It’s the job offer you have been waiting for, isn’t it?” Hope asked curiously, “The thing Professor McGonagall set up for you? Lecturing, is it?”

Remus nodded absent-mindedly, rereading the letter, “Constantina Plyth, never heard of her before. Do you know someone called Plyth?”

Remus looked up at his mother whose face showed wrinkles, her thinking face, “I think I remember reading about a family with this name quite a lot a few years back. They had a shop in Nocturne Alley that had been closed down by the Ministry for some reason, I think.”

“Mmh,” Remus made, “I don’t think I recall. Well, it’s not that important I think.”

“Will you meet up with her?”

“Yes, I think I will answer her tonight and bring it to the post office tomorrow. Do you have anything that needs to be sent off?” Remus answered, standing up to get his parchment and quill then he sat down opposite of his mother on the table in the dining area of the Lupins’ living room.

_Dear Miss Plyth,_

_I am glad to have heard from you. I am looking forward to hear more about your approach to the subject of Transfiguration and how you plan our potential cooperation to work._

_As you might have guessed, I am not too thrilled about going to London right now. I suggest meeting up where I am currently staying with my parents. Please suggest a time you are free. I think it is fairly obvious which days next week will be inconvenient for me._

_I am looking forward to hearing back from you._

_Sincerely,_

_Remus Lupin_

Remus waited for the ink to dry before folding the parchment together and sealing it with the wax his mother kept in the drawer of the dining table.

“What did you answer her?” Hope asked, curious as always.

“I asked her to suggest a day and time for a meeting and asked, if she would be alright with coming here. I don’t think I could bring myself to go to London right now,” Remus answered. His mother nodded understandingly. She seemed calm, but serenely happy, Remus noticed. His father was the same when Remus told him about the letter.

“That is great, son,” Lyall said.

Remus thought so, too. Still, he had to think of the other job offer he had received. He should probably answer the Garrisson family soon. He should not put it off longer. He would tell them that he had another job offer and that he needed to check if the two jobs were compatible with each other. Maybe he could work both of them half-time. He did not want to let the family down. It was hard finding a teacher for a lycanthropic child. He was probably one of the few people they had been courageous enough to even ask. The inhibition threshold was high enough. Remus could vividly remember the stress it had caused his parents when he had gotten his Hogwarts letter.

Every eleven year-old wizard or witch received a Hogwarts letter, so Remus had found himself addressed with the words ‘ _Dear Mr. Remus Lupin, we are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._ ’ This was, of course, something Remus had longed for but also dreaded as a boy. His parents had told him stories about their time at Hogwarts but it had often come with the fear that he would never be able to experience this himself. He was a werewolf, there was no changing this – Merlin knew they had tried – and this meant he would be a danger to the other children, to the teachers, to everyone around him. There was little chance that he would ever go to Hogwarts.

Hope and Lyall were not fine with this. They wanted their son to be like every other young wizard and they wanted to make that possible to the point where there was nothing else to do. So, they had made an appointment with the headmaster, Professor Dumbledore. They both knew him from their time as students when he had been teacher for Transfiguration. They had been growing more and more nervous as the set date had approached. Remus remembered his grandmother staying with him, while they were off to Hogwarts to talk to Dumbledore. He remembered being just as nervous. He knew that this day could change his life for the better. And it did.

When his parents had arrived back at their house they had brought the news that he would be able to attend the school. They had made another appointment with the headmaster to talk about the logistics of Remus attendance at Hogwarts and when they came back from this second appointment they were even happier, even more optimistic. They had met up with Dumbledore frequently over the summer before Remus’ first year at Hogwarts. He had met the headmaster and most of the teachers before his first day there. He had been made familiar with Madam Pomfrey, the hospital wing and the Shrieking Shackle. It had taken so much time and effort and Remus was still eternally thankful for all the people who had helped with this. He had been so lucky.

Not everyone had the same chance, the same support Remus had had. He only knew of one student after him who had carried the same disease. The girl had been born with lycanthropy, which was the worst luck. She had been getting born in the time when Wolfsbane had been developed though. So, while she did spend her nights in the Shrieking Shackle, like Remus had done, but she had been sleeping there in her wolf form, under Madam Pomfrey’s care for keeping the side effects of the potion in check. It was what Remus wished for any werewolf child. No, what he wished for them – and for him – was a cure. But this was naïve. It was too hopelessly optimistic to believe there would be a cure. It would only give any of them more hope than they could afford to invest in their future.

This did not mean that werewolf children should not have hope, should not invest in their future. Remus wanted all the children that were like he had been to be hopeful and optimistic and finding the life they wanted to lead. It was still painful to think about it, though. His life had turned out nothing like he had been hoping as a child; he did have to search for something new to hope for more frequently than anyone should have to. Maybe it would all turn out for the better in the end. He could not find the bravery to really believe this, though.

Right now, he tried to be satisfied with what he got. Two job offers for two things he would really like to do; possible employers and coworkers who knew about his condition and who still wanted to hire him; the knowledge of Sirius’ innocence; the knowledge that there still was something between them, even though they were not able right now to really reconnect; his parents being there for him; old friends trying to reconnect; Harry and his friends being friendly, believing (in) him. Wasn’t this enough? Remus was in a good place right now. It was nice. He had not been in such a good mental and emotional state for years.

He answered Azelma Garrisson this night as well, sending both letters of the next day. Remus did not know at this point which job – maybe both? – he would take in the end. He wanted to see what would come of it, he wanted to stay in his current place for a little while – in this pit of potential; potential good. He felt optimistic and strangely light-hearted. Little things like strangers writing mean things in their letters could not get him down right now. He felt like he was on cloud nine for a few days.

***

What got him back down to earth in the end was another letter. It was addressed to Remus John Lupin, which caught Hope’s attention. Not many people knew Remus’ middle name and while it was not the most uncommon one – people could have easily guessed it, maybe – why should someone go to these lengths. Other than that the letter caught attention, because there was no envelope, it was just a piece of parchment folded together in a complicated figure. Remus recognized it from his time at Hogwarts, when people had used it to evade having to use sealing wax to seal off notes. The way it was folded the receiver of the message could see if it had been opened before. Remus could only imagine one person using this technique to send him a sealed message. Anyone else would have just used a sealing spell, had they not? Remus heart seemed to be unsure if it wanted to beat rapidly or stop beating at all.

_Moony,_

_I hope this letter finds you in a good state. I find it hard to find words to tell you anything at all, really. But I needed to let you know that I am well enough. The kids got a letter as well, so that they know. I hope to find a way to get in touch with you personally. I long to see you. I miss you. And I want you to know that I love you still and always will._

Instead of a signature there was a paw print beneath the words. For a moment Remus felt like he could not breathe. He reread and reread the words again and again. It was a letter of the sort ‘short but sweet’ – no, these words were not even beginning to cover what the letter meant. What it meant to Remus. He folded the letter together again neatly and put it in his pocket. After a few minutes, he got it out again, reading it again. This was what he had from Sirius, the only thing he had right now. He had Sirius saying ‘I love you’, he had him hoping to meet soon. Remus felt like he was going to explode.

He had been hoping for Sirius to get in touch with him but he had pushed it to the back of his mind, so that he could focus on other things. Now, the letter had brought it all to the forefront of his mind. All the beginnings of letters Remus had started writing in his head; all the memories coming together with his hopes and dreams. The things he thought about between sleep and awakening; the thoughts that contained all his love for Sirius, all the longing and missing.

Remus stood up to get a quill and parchment and he started writing. He knew, that the chances he would be able to send this to Sirius were slim. He had to think about encryption, he had to think about sealing, he had to think everything over three times or four or maybe five. But right in this moment he needed to get all of this just out of his system. He could think about if – and if yes, what – to send to Sirius. But he needed to use his words now.

_Sirius,_

_I love you, I love you, I love you.  
This is what is most important for you to know and to always remember. I love you. I never stopped and I have hated myself for it for a long time because I had thought all my hopes that you would turn out to be innocent were in vain. They were not and this is my source of happiness right now.  
I am longing to see you, I want to be with you, be there for you or just be around you. I have missed you for so long that the time we need to figure out a way to accomplish this seems equally cruelly long and comparably short. We will find a way, I am sure. And then, when I can hold you in my arms again we will find a way to stay like this forever.  
There are people who might help us but it is on you to decide who to trust with this. I will be there. I will be waiting to hear from you, waiting to find me entangled in one of these plans again. I missed this. I miss you.  
I love you, I love you, I love you.  
I cannot wait to say this to you again. I will, soon._

Remus found himself short for words. There was no way to contain what was happening in his chest, his head. He himself was unable to grasp the sheer intensity and amount of feelings that were making the wheels in his mind turn with so much force he felt his head beginning to hurt. Remus was hurting from happiness. He did not know if he had ever been this relieved and content and willing to laugh before in his life. What would happen once they were really reunited? Remus would probably die of happiness; filled with love. _At least_ , he thought, _the last thing I would see would be Sirius._

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! You did it, you made it through! Congrats and thank you for reading!
> 
> Participating in this fest was actually a multi-facetted novum for me as I am pretty new to the ship and to AO3 in general. Also, I wrote this fic in my very first NaNoWriMo! In late October I thought I would have this finished by November 15 at a wordcount of 25k. This didn't work out as planned. I really loved writing this though, so this turn-out was a best-case scenario. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Jay :)
> 
> Edit: I found [this beautiful comic](https://flaggermousseart.tumblr.com/post/190360805851/harry-felt-as-though-the-bottom-had-dropped-out-of) on tumblr about the moment Sirius and Remus hug in the Shrieking Shackle and wanted to share it with you
> 
> Edit #2: I was made aware in the comments that in the original version I had written that Harry was the chaser of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. He is, of course, the seeker, I mixed up the terms. Also I added a tag to say it is mostly canon compliant and not entirely so, because I only used the original books as canon and not all of JKR's writing.


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